When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Chemo resumes today. Xeloda at a lower dosage then before to see if Eric gets toxicity again. He doesn't want to be on IV chemo, so we are hoping a lower dosage works. CEA level has increased from 9.8 a month ago to 10.2, despite the tumors in the lungs being removed. So clearly there is still cancer in his body. Pretty bummed.
We got into a fight the other day. He was yelling and screaming that he doesn't care anymore. So I gave it right back to him. I told him to give up then, stop fighting, stop letting so many people waste their time and energy supporting a person who doesn't care anymore. I got so mad and told him in frustration to stop all the treatments then, stop going to NY, stop taking up space and time someone who wants to live would be happy to get. I asked him why would he continue to have surgery after surgery and chemo and all the other nonsense if he didn't care anymore? his response-Because he felt like it. Then I called him out on it. I told him that when you really don't care you stop saying anything at all. I forced him to hear me say that I know that he does care, and that he is scared to die. I told him anything you love is worth fighting for, and no matter how mad I made him (and boy did I make him mad), I was still going to fight for him, even if he wasn't going to fight for himself. I know he cares. But I know he is frustrated. The confirmation today of resuming chemo was just another blow.
I'll keep pushing him. I swear to this. No matter how much he may hate me, I will push him. I WILL NOT let him give up. He has too much to fight for. He is tired and broken. But no matter what Eric, I promise, I will try to fix you...
As many of you may already know, our family was blessed to be the recipients of a respite vacation to Florida, thanks to the For Pete's Sake Cancer Respite Foundation. For a few days we got to be a regular family. This quickly became a vacation that will always be closest to my heart. Word's cannot even describe what FPS has done to raise our family up. We are so lucky, and hope to pay it forward by participating in the For Pete's Sake, Walk fun walk at Citizen's Bank Park in April.Click here to directly join or donate to our team, "Phightin' for Officer Dial.
Eric and the boys were shocked the day we left for our respite to open the front door to several area news outlets, a limo, Marci the founder of FPS, and several of his fellows Officers in the Philadelphia Police Department there to send us off. One of the longer pieces was done by CBS Philadelphia...click for the report. Logan was a hoot when they interviewed him, I think I looked like a dork.
One of the things they ask you to do as part of the respite is to write an entry in the journal at the FPS home in Davenport, FL (yea they bought it for cancer patients and their families...soooo cool). The first day we arrived I read through the journal and read the other entries from Sailors and there families. It was really touching. FPS have touched the lives of so many people. FPS paid for our flight, lodged us in the organizations home (a beautiful 3 bedroom with a heated pool right outside Disney) tickets to Disney/Universal/Sea World, a rental car, and a stipend for food and other expenses. WOW. Anyone who can donate to this group, we would be so thankful. They are good people. I blogged about FPS before here. Please take a moment to read that post, as it will explain FPS even more.
I'm still trying to figure out how to share with you the magic of this experience. I think the best way is to share with you what I wrote in the journal at the home, and to share with you a picture I took right before we watched the sunset into the Gulf of Mexico....
Happy New Year! May this year bring us all good health, amazing memories, and much LOVE. Thanks to FPS, our memories have already become beyond amazing. Since Eric's diagnosis in Oct of 2010 (Stage IV Colon mets to liver), our entire family transformed from "normal dysfunctional" (lol) to "battle mode". The Dial's declared WAR ON CANCER!
Every step of this process was an easy one. Peg and Mariann went out of their way to make this the most amazing respite possible. And Marci even showed up at our house the day we left with a limo and 3 news stations! Imagine my husbands surprise when he opened the door to see over 20 of his fellow Philly Police Officers, along with Marci and the limo driver (as well as the cameras all around). Our boys were in just as much shock as well! Until we boarded the plane, the youngest had no idea where we were headed.
15 months afo my husband was told he had 8 months to live. Yet this week he laughed and smiled as if those words had never been said to him. He was once again the man I fell in love with. Even though he felt sick in the beginning of our trip, he pushed on, determined to enjoy every minute of his break from cancer.
One of the magical parts of this trip was watching Eric reconnect with his 16 year old son. This was something they truly needed. Cancer had really reeked some havoc on relationships. Now I have captured special moments, and they will have memories stored up that will help them get through the tough times ahead. See in November, after 6 months of being in remission after his liver resection, and sending 21 days in the ICU from post surgical infection , Eric was told his cancer was back. Tumors were found in the remaining "healthy" part of his liver. That sad news made this trip mean that much more.
Tomorrow we leave and go back to reality; the kids go to school, I go back to my job as a teacher, and Eric back to being a Philly police officer. And the day after that we go back to cancer, and another CT scan at Sloan-Kettering in NYC. But for 1 glorious trip, cancer did not define us, we DEFIED it!
Hello all! I will be sending out an update soon about our amazing respite. But in the mean time, I wanted you to all mark your calendars for 2 upcoming events that are very important to us, and that we will be participating in, the "Get Your Rear in Gear" and "For Pete's Sake, Walk". We have created teams for both, and below I will give you more information.
Philadelphia Get Your Rear in Gear- 5K and 10K Run, 2 Mile Walk and Kids Fun Run Sunday March 18, 2012
This is our 2nd year participating in this event, which benefits the colon cancer coalition. The event is held at the Art Museum. Non runners can easily participate. Last year we had a nice turnout for our team and raised over $1000.
you can register for this event here: http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2012/philadelphia-pa-2012/
click on "JOIN A TEAM" we are DIAL'S POOPER TROOPERS
THIS IS AN AWESOME FAMILY EVENT!!!!! AND THE KIDS WILL LOVE BEING ABLE TO GET ACCESS TO THE PLAYING FIELD AT CBP (AND ADULTS TOO)
Enjoy VIP access to Citizens Bank Park - without the lines! For Pete's Sake, Walk! is a 3 mile fun walk. Following the 3 mile route, walkers will be allowed to round the bases and take a photo in the dugout!
You can walk as an individual, register your family, join an existing team of walkers or form a team of your own!
You can register the entire family here: http://takeabreakfromcancer.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=997534&lis=1&kntae997534=BA5CB0666D674FB0BBA9F3B7643E3756
and please join our team: Phightin' for Officer Dial
FPS has a very special place in our hearts and we would really love for all of our friends and family to join us for this very special event. FPS sent us on our amazing respite to Florida last week. We would love to help other families be able to enjoy this amazing experience.
Now For the very first time Don't you pay no mind? Set me free again You keep alive a moment at a time But still inside a whisper to a liar To sacrifice but knowing to survive The first decline another state of mind I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign Forever, whenever I never wanna die I never wanna die I never wanna die I'm on my knees I never wanna die I'm dancing on my grave I'm running through the fire Forever, whatever I never wanna die I never wanna leave I'll never say goodbye Forever, whatever Forever, whatever
Foo Fighter's "Walk" came on the radio when Eric and I were driving back from my grandmother's birthday party a week ago. He had never heard it. I had heard for the first time right about the time he had had his last surgery in April of 2011. Then I heard it over and over when he was hospitalized. It sort of became my private tribute to him, and my personal fight song. Anyway, that night was the first time he had ever heard it.
The irony does not allude me that, although this song has been out for months, he hears it for the first time about a week after being told his cancer is back. I think it was fitting though. Especially the part where Dave Grohl screams I never want to die over and over again. That's Eric. He has told me this time around he is not sad or bitter or questioning why, he has accepted and is ready to fight. But I watched his eyes as he listened to this song. It touched him. He never wants to die, who would? And I know he won't give up, no matter how hard it gets.
What i feel is he anger and passion of the song. I will do everything in my power to keep Eric happy, healthy, and ALIVE. I want to grow old with him. Sure I am pissed right now. Parts of me are angry because I don't understand why he has to fight so damn hard. But that fight and that anger is what keeps him alive. I realize that now.
I have decided to start updating this more. It let's me vent and keeps me sane. It also helps keep people up to date I presume. I don't know how many people even check this. I still keep the carepage (click HERE if you want to sign up, you get email updates when something new is posted) for more medical updates. This blog I am going to use for more of the raw emotional part I assume. I have no idea who checks and reads it so it makes it easier I guess. I don't have to worry about my mom yelling at me for posting info and complaining, or falling apart, or just being 30.
I just want to be happy. That's all, happy. I am so tired...And I miss the man I married...
That's basically the only words I have right now. Since the proper family members have been informed, I now felt it was ok to tell everyone else that Eric's cancer is back. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. He celebrated this milestone by getting a tattoo (if you know Eric you would understand why). He explains the symbolism of the tat as, "The worst day of my life, and the people who saved me."
Well now, a month later, and 7 months cancer free, they found tumor growth in his liver. Again I say, WTF?! This guy can't catch a break. He finally felt like his life was beginning to become normal again, and he gets rocked with this. But I am so proud of how well he is handling it, and how he continues to fight on. But I still think he and I are both warranted a little "WTF".
So the fight continues. It feels like deja vu in a way. The beginning of the school year, new school, new job, new friends in our lives. And then cancer comes and invades our world.
There are only a few requests I have right now, and they are sincere. 1.) Please continue to pray for Eric's health and strength. (And if you wouldn't mind a few extra prayers for the rest of his family that would be great too).
2.) We need our friends and family, and we need our lives to have the least amount of drama as possible. That means, I need to make amends. I am asking for forgiveness from some, and it would make Eric and mine, and our children's lives much easier if we can forgive and move on. Anger is a poison that does NOTHING to help fight.
3.) I need help. I can't do this alone again. Pride aside, I will take people up on offers to help. If your off on a Monday, and can take Eric to NY for an appointment, I need you. If you have kids that Logan could play with and wouldn't mind another kid hanging out, I need you. There are so many other things I could put, but the bottom line is that I need my family and friends to fight help Eric in his fight. Last year, mostly by choice, I did it all by myself. I nearly cracked. i wouldn't let anyone help me, it was a huge mistake. This year I will not do it. If you can help, let me know.
Eric is continuing to go to work. He even went in to teach the recruits with his fanny pack on. In that fanny pack was the chemo pumping into his port to keep him alive. Sure he felt like shit. Hell the day before he was told his cancer was back. But he went because he wanted to. Because he wants to still be Eric.
I am going to try to continue to work as much as possible. I want to save the time in case I really need it. Eric will be having upcoming surgery soon (or so it seems) to remove the tumor growth. I would need to take off for that, so any appointments, I am trying to see if people wouldn't mind taking him up to NYC. (I will provide the car/gas/tolls I just need peoples time). These appointments are Mondays. Eric says he can take himself if I can't go, but I would rather someone go with him, in case he has a negative reaction from the chemo.
Well I will summarize what's going on medically: 09/16/11- 6 months cancer free 10/4/11- 1 year anniversary of Stage IV diagnosis 10/31/11- 7 month CT Scan 11/7/11- Results of Scan 11/7/11- Hear the dreaded words, "We found cancer." CEA LEVEL: 7.1 11/7/11- Treatment begins at 6:30pm. Eric is given a different type of chemo, 5FU.
A little about 5FU: It's the oldest chemo there is for fighting colon cancer. Not that its any less effective. It runs for a period of 48 hours, hence the fanny pack. It's used to treats lots of other cancers too. It's a good drug, and has many less side effects then the drug combo Eric was on before. Eric was previously taking "the big guns". They dont want to use that combo again unless they need to. That was a 3 chemo cocktail of FUDR, oxaliplatin, and irinotican. A nasty strong combo. But the doc's feel they can give his the 5FU and shrink the tumor growth. If more tumors were to be found in different areas, then the big guns would come out.
Starting Chemo Again.... Rocking his killer fanny pack...
I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .
life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!
Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.
Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike
Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs
Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers
I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....
But the good news Is there's angels everywhere out on the street Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet The one's that you've been dragging for so long You're on your knees You might as well be praying Guess what I'm saying
If your going through hell Keep on going, don't slow down If you're scared don't show it You might get out Before the devil even knows you're there
Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There is an awesome series in the New York Times following the journey of Dr. Bach, a physician at Memorial, whose wife was diagnosed with cancer. I found the blog from a post made on the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Facebook Page.
Much like myself, Dr Bach is blogging about his journey. His series, The Doctor's Wife is very real. In the first 2 submissions I have found myself nodding, tearing up, laughing (the form comment) and just FEELING everything Dr. Bach is going through.
Ok so I am not a Doctor, so maybe I do not know the clinical end, but I am a highly educated young woman who is so deeply in love with her husband that she will do anything to keep in him alive. I have taken on the role of caretaker, and have completely educated myself with regards to colon cancer, especially with regards to Eric's current diagnosis.
I highly suggest everyone take the time to read this frank account of Dr. Bach's journey.
If I could be you, if you could be me For just one hour, if we could find a way To get inside each other's mind If you could see you through my eyes Instead your own ego I believe you'd be I believe you'd be surprised to see That you've been blind
Walk a mile in my shoes just walk a mile in my shoes Before you abuse, criticize and accuse Then walk a mile in my shoes
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down She won't turn around The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
An old high school friend sent me a message. I had been seeing some of her statuses on facebook and it seemed she had been pretty down lately and had a lot of bullshit thrown her way. I was really surprised when she sent me a message. It had a lot of weight to it, and between the lines I could almost feel the pain she must be going through. No matter the cause of someones pain or frustration or hurt, bottom line is that it still sucks. If you are hurting you are hurting, and the density of what is causing that hurt really doesn't matter. I hope she is not mad, but I decided to post her message and my response. I am editing it a bit, both for her privacy, and reasons she will understand, but the message is still the same.
What I want everyone to get out of this is that hurting blows! And hopefully people will realize that plenty of people are in pain, its yet another reason to be nice to people, and smile. Because sometimes that smile can really make someone's day.
^^That's me in High School. Senior Portrait....seems like a million years ago! ^^ Figured I would put a high school pic up since Shirley Temple is a high school friend.
The message from Shirley Temple
So i didnt want to post this on your wall in case you didnt want to do it or if it was too personal but I would love to hear about how you are able to not focus on the bad or the people who for whatever reason or another are not the people you thought they were and how you are able to not dwell on it.
You wouldnt be human if it didnt get to you once in a blue moon but it sounds like you do such an amazing job not only not letting those people get to you but how you also protect eric from it and your kids.
I know you have always been a spritual person...does your faith play a role? For some reason lately I have been thinking about god and faith and feeling almost jealous of people who have a strong faith.
Ok now I am just rambling and I really dont mean to unload on you...
ok now I sorta forget the reason for this message...lol
TTYL
My response:
Wow hun. I am guessing from this message you are really going through a rough patch!
This experience has been a crazy one. It has taught me how to love more, not take stuff for granted, fight harder (if you can imagine that lol), and realize what truly matters.
I wish I could say I do not dwell on things, but I do. A lot of times it eats me up inside. Especially when it comes to people who are hurting us.
Bottom line is that I was abandoned by my friends, and some people trying to ruin us. Individuals are crazy upset, convinced I am an evil bitch, and are already picking out Eric's grave. Throughout this I have encountered some of the most negative people I know, who are loving (how fucked up does that sound?) the attention.
To protect them I take the brunt of everything. I keep the horrible things from Eric and the kids and I sacrifice my own wellbeing to do so. Sadly there are many nights I stiffle my crying in a hot shower, or bawl my eyes out in my car when no one is around. But I keep telling myself that I must be the one to handle it, because everyone else is too vulnerable.
It is really really hard. And one of the worst parts is the complete devastation that occurs when you realize people who you cared about are not who you thought they were. It is absolutely horrible. Maybe some of the worst pain and loneliness I have ever felt. But I try not to show it. I try to stay strong for Eric and the kids.
My way of venting is via my blog. Sometimes I rant and ramble and it makes no sense, but other times I am able to put into words just how I feel. It is soothing. I am not really that strong, I just am so in love and scared to death of losing my husband. I will fight with all that I have not to. I have always been a good fighter. And I have realized that the best in my comes out when things are at their worst and people need me.
Faith is helping me through this as well. Putting my faith in something higher and realizing that there is a purpose for all this. Whether it be to humble us, or make our faith stronger, it is there. I keep telling myself a few simple things: 1.) Whether I am able to have 2 years or 60 years married to my soulmate, I am grateful for it. No one will ever fill my heart or make me whole like he does 2.) Maybe I needed to grow up. Maybe this was God's way of saying I had steered off my path a little and I needed to be grounded 3.) If anything,Eric's cancer has made us aware that his son needs to be tested and monitored. Eric's cancer probably started when he was about 25. Mark is 15. He had his first colonoscopy. He will be spared and not have to go through this.
I guess I am rambling on a little too. I hope I answered your questions, but I fear I may have confused you more. By the way, never think that your problems aren't bad, or any less stressful then people dealing with "serious" issues. If a problem affects your life and makes you sad, then it is just as bad as anything I, or people like me, are dealing with. It doesn't matter the cause, if you are hurting you are hurting.
i leave you with one of my favorite quotes: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”- Eleanor Roosevelt
When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:
engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf] vb (tr) 1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up 2. (often passive) to overwhelm
Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.
One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.
Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.
A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".
I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.
This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.
Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.
I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...
Every step I'm taking Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it But these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most, yeah Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong Just keep pushing on
I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...
