I Never Wanna Die

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a liar
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I'll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever

Foo Fighter's "Walk" came on the radio when Eric and I were driving back from my grandmother's birthday party a week ago. He had never heard it. I had heard for the first time right about the time he had had his last surgery in April of 2011. Then I heard it over and over when he was hospitalized. It sort of became my private tribute to him, and my personal fight song. Anyway, that night was the first time he had ever heard it.

The irony does not allude me that, although this song has been out for months, he hears it for the first time about a week after being told his cancer is back. I think it was fitting though. Especially the part where Dave Grohl screams I never want to die over and over again. That's Eric. He has told me this time around he is not sad or bitter or questioning why, he has accepted and is ready to fight. But I watched his eyes as he listened to this song. It touched him. He never wants to die, who would? And I know he won't give up, no matter how hard it gets.

What i feel is he anger and passion of the song. I will do everything in my power to keep Eric happy, healthy, and ALIVE. I want to grow old with him. Sure I am pissed right now. Parts of me are angry because I don't understand why he has to fight so damn hard. But that fight and that anger is what keeps him alive. I realize that now.

I have decided to start updating this more. It let's me vent and keeps me sane. It also helps keep people up to date I presume. I don't know how many people even check this. I still keep the carepage (click HERE if you want to sign up, you get email updates when something new is posted) for more medical updates. This blog I am going to use for more of the raw emotional part I assume. I have no idea who checks and reads it so it makes it easier I guess. I don't have to worry about my mom yelling at me for posting info and complaining, or falling apart, or just being 30.

I just want to be happy. That's all, happy. I am so tired...And I miss the man I married...

Thankful....

So far Eric has had 2 chemo treatments with minimal side effects. I have managed to play Dr. Dial pretty well and de-accessed his port successfully. He is still able to go to work most days, but E is pretty tired. CEA levels are still up and down, up this time around. However his liver functions are almost back to normal. Dec 5th we go to Sloan for treatment and meet the chief of Staff for Interventional radiology to discuss surgical options to destroy the tumor.

Today I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for family and friends, and the amazing Doctors and nurses at Sloan Kettering. I am blessed to be spending another Thanksgiving with my husband. A year ago I wasn't sure if this was going to be a reality.

Thank you all for your continued support, especially for Eric, his son Mark, and my son Logan. It means a lot.

Here's Eric and his new pal Gunney. Gunney helps calm Eric.

Once a month I get like this....

...and i hate it! I get this whole, woe is me attitude and I want to give up everything. It only lasts a few days, but I have to be so careful of the things I say. I want to say mean things. I want to say hurtful things. I want payback for all the times I was made to feel like shit. I want to participate in the "Airing of Grievances". But I can't. I have to bite my tongue and curb my feelings. I have to hide my hurt and sadness and disappointment. It's these 2 days that I think sometimes I truly realize how little I am loved and respected. How little I matter. It's just chalked up to being "crazy". Well I am told of being told I am crazy because I have feeling. I am tired of feeling like I am the one who is wrong. I know I am not. I am sorry you have no idea what love is. I am sorry you have no concept of caring for someone more then yourself. I am sorry that I am only your backup. But, no matter what...

For Pete's Sake, Take a Break from Cancer

Through an amazing organization called For Pete's Sake (FPS) our family is being given the opportunity for a respite. This grassroots local non-profit is pretty amazing. I highly suggest you visit the page to learn more. Basically this young woman Marci lost her husband to cancer when he was just 30 years old. After his death she dedicated her life to helping others going thru the same thing. It's truly inspirational. Anyway, I had called to ask a few follow up questions and ended up talking to this girl Amber. This was all before we found out Eric's cancer was back. I was so giddy and happy that Amber asked me to write about my experiences. We ended up being the feature family for the month of November. I was really touched. I started to write Amber then got sidetracked. I finally finished that letter today and wanted to share it. I am very touched by this organization, and hope that you support them in any way. They really make such a difference in the lives of others.

Amber,
When I spoken with you a few weeks ago, after chewing your ear off forever, you had asked me to write down my experiences and email them to you. I sat down to begin writing this, and then got sidetracked with the million things going on with life. But I knew I would get back to it. FPS has blessed us with the opportunity to go on a respite, and the least I could do was share my personal joy with this experience, and how touched I was by the kindness of others. I was feeling such happiness and joy as I talked to you. And I couldn't wait to share my experiences. And then my world was altered, and I was left in a state of disillusion.

On Monday November 7th we were told my husband's cancer was back. After all the surgeries, and treatment, and almost losing him to infection over the summer, he was feeling great and technically 6 months "cancer free". After telling us those horrible words, the next thing they said, was "You will still be able to go on your respite. We will schedule treatments around it." And with a few words, this respite became so much more then just a break after months and months of fighting, it became a break in his next battle we now face. And you cannot even imagine how much more this opportunity means to us then before (Not that it wasn't already AMAZING). In some ways I am still in a state of shock. I knew there was a chance this could come back, I kept watching the lab reports and the CEA levels slowly rising, but I just hoped and prayed he wouldn't have to go through this again. But here we are, ready to fight. A little battered, somewhat broken, very tired, but not yet ready to give up.

I had mentioned to you on the phone that a little while after we had started the nomination process, I actually read Marci's story. I can't really tell you why I hadn't before, but I just hadn't. I researched and read every other page of the site, but her story was the one thing I just couldn't yet read. Eventually I got a box of tissues ready, went in my classroom all alone, and read it. I am glad I was alone and had the tissues ready. I felt like I was reading my own story. I was newly married to the love of my life. I was just turning 30 years old. I was trying to move upward in my career in the field of education. I had become a cancer spouse. And Cancer has invaded and threatened all that I loved so much, and worked so hard for. My husband, my big strong 35 year old Philly cop, was fighting the toughest criminal he ever had encountered. A horrible thing that wanted to kill him, colon cancer. Colon cancer that had been traveling and growing inside his body for years, with no indication it was there. Colon cancer that was Stage 4 when they finally found it. I just recently found out that when I wasn't in the room with him a doc had told him he had about 8 months to live. Who were they to put a time stamp on life? I didn't realize my husband had an expiration date.

But he fought so hard. From Oct 2010, they day of diagnosis to this next round in the ring. But all the time, Eric has just wanted to be "normal" he is sick of being the guy with cancer. He is tired of us being the cancer family. We just want to finally have happy memories. And that is what you are giving us the chance to make. you are enabling us to take a break from cancer, and be a family. Your enabling us to have an opportunity for our sons to have memories that don't involve hospital rooms and oxygen, and sickness that chemo causes. you are helping us to live.

Thank you so much for all that you do. Thank you for making this hell just a little bit easier. Thank you for helping me, feel like a mother and wife, and not a caregiver. And thank you to Marci, for taking the worst experience of her life, and turning it into such a beautiful thing for others. Through her strength and dedication, Pete lives on.


Sincerely yours,

Jeaneane

WTF??!!

That's basically the only words I have right now. Since the proper family members have been informed, I now felt it was ok to tell everyone else that Eric's cancer is back. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. He celebrated this milestone by getting a tattoo (if you know Eric you would understand why). He explains the symbolism of the tat as, "The worst day of my life, and the people who saved me."

Well now, a month later, and 7 months cancer free, they found tumor growth in his liver. Again I say, WTF?! This guy can't catch a break. He finally felt like his life was beginning to become normal again, and he gets rocked with this. But I am so proud of how well he is handling it, and how he continues to fight on. But I still think he and I are both warranted a little "WTF".

So the fight continues. It feels like deja vu in a way. The beginning of the school year, new school, new job, new friends in our lives. And then cancer comes and invades our world.

There are only a few requests I have right now, and they are sincere. 1.) Please continue to pray for Eric's health and strength. (And if you wouldn't mind a few extra prayers for the rest of his family that would be great too).

2.) We need our friends and family, and we need our lives to have the least amount of drama as possible. That means, I need to make amends. I am asking for forgiveness from some, and it would make Eric and mine, and our children's lives much easier if we can forgive and move on. Anger is a poison that does NOTHING to help fight.

3.) I need help. I can't do this alone again. Pride aside, I will take people up on offers to help. If your off on a Monday, and can take Eric to NY for an appointment, I need you. If you have kids that Logan could play with and wouldn't mind another kid hanging out, I need you. There are so many other things I could put, but the bottom line is that I need my family and friends to fight help Eric in his fight. Last year, mostly by choice, I did it all by myself. I nearly cracked. i wouldn't let anyone help me, it was a huge mistake. This year I will not do it. If you can help, let me know.



Eric is continuing to go to work. He even went in to teach the recruits with his fanny pack on. In that fanny pack was the chemo pumping into his port to keep him alive. Sure he felt like shit. Hell the day before he was told his cancer was back. But he went because he wanted to. Because he wants to still be Eric.

I am going to try to continue to work as much as possible. I want to save the time in case I really need it. Eric will be having upcoming surgery soon (or so it seems) to remove the tumor growth. I would need to take off for that, so any appointments, I am trying to see if people wouldn't mind taking him up to NYC. (I will provide the car/gas/tolls I just need peoples time). These appointments are Mondays. Eric says he can take himself if I can't go, but I would rather someone go with him, in case he has a negative reaction from the chemo.

Well I will summarize what's going on medically:
09/16/11- 6 months cancer free
10/4/11- 1 year anniversary of Stage IV diagnosis
10/31/11- 7 month CT Scan
11/7/11- Results of Scan
11/7/11- Hear the dreaded words, "We found cancer." CEA LEVEL: 7.1
11/7/11- Treatment begins at 6:30pm. Eric is given a different type of chemo, 5FU.


A little about 5FU: It's the oldest chemo there is for fighting colon cancer. Not that its any less effective. It runs for a period of 48 hours, hence the fanny pack. It's used to treats lots of other cancers too. It's a good drug, and has many less side effects then the drug combo Eric was on before. Eric was previously taking "the big guns". They dont want to use that combo again unless they need to. That was a 3 chemo cocktail of FUDR, oxaliplatin, and irinotican. A nasty strong combo. But the doc's feel they can give his the 5FU and shrink the tumor growth. If more tumors were to be found in different areas, then the big guns would come out.

Starting Chemo Again....
Rocking his killer fanny pack...