For Pete's Sake, We took a break from Cancer...

As many of you may already know, our family was blessed to be the recipients of a respite vacation to Florida, thanks to the For Pete's Sake Cancer Respite Foundation. For a few days we got to be a regular family. This quickly became a vacation that will always be closest to my heart. Word's cannot even describe what FPS has done to raise our family up. We are so lucky, and hope to pay it forward by participating in the For Pete's Sake, Walk fun walk at Citizen's Bank Park in April.Click here to directly join or donate to our team, "Phightin' for Officer Dial.

Eric and the boys were shocked the day we left for our respite to open the front door to several area news outlets, a limo, Marci the founder of FPS, and several of his fellows Officers in the Philadelphia Police Department there to send us off. One of the longer pieces was done by CBS Philadelphia...click for the report. Logan was a hoot when they interviewed him, I think I looked like a dork.

One of the things they ask you to do as part of the respite is to write an entry in the journal at the FPS home in Davenport, FL (yea they bought it for cancer patients and their families...soooo cool). The first day we arrived I read through the journal and read the other entries from Sailors and there families. It was really touching. FPS have touched the lives of so many people. FPS paid for our flight, lodged us in the organizations home (a beautiful 3 bedroom with a heated pool right outside Disney) tickets to Disney/Universal/Sea World, a rental car, and a stipend for food and other expenses. WOW. Anyone who can donate to this group, we would be so thankful. They are good people. I blogged about FPS before here. Please take a moment to read that post, as it will explain FPS even more.

I'm still trying to figure out how to share with you the magic of this experience. I think the best way is to share with you what I wrote in the journal at the home, and to share with you a picture I took right before we watched the sunset into the Gulf of Mexico....

Happy New Year! May this year bring us all good health, amazing memories, and much LOVE. Thanks to FPS, our memories have already become beyond amazing. Since Eric's diagnosis in Oct of 2010 (Stage IV Colon mets to liver), our entire family transformed from "normal dysfunctional" (lol) to "battle mode". The Dial's declared WAR ON CANCER!

Every step of this process was an easy one. Peg and Mariann went out of their way to make this the most amazing respite possible. And Marci even showed up at our house the day we left with a limo and 3 news stations! Imagine my husbands surprise when he opened the door to see over 20 of his fellow Philly Police Officers, along with Marci and the limo driver (as well as the cameras all around). Our boys were in just as much shock as well! Until we boarded the plane, the youngest had no idea where we were headed.

15 months afo my husband was told he had 8 months to live. Yet this week he laughed and smiled as if those words had never been said to him. He was once again the man I fell in love with. Even though he felt sick in the beginning of our trip, he pushed on, determined to enjoy every minute of his break from cancer.

One of the magical parts of this trip was watching Eric reconnect with his 16 year old son. This was something they truly needed. Cancer had really reeked some havoc on relationships. Now I have captured special moments, and they will have memories stored up that will help them get through the tough times ahead. See in November, after 6 months of being in remission after his liver resection, and sending 21 days in the ICU from post surgical infection , Eric was told his cancer was back. Tumors were found in the remaining "healthy" part of his liver. That sad news made this trip mean that much more.

Tomorrow we leave and go back to reality; the kids go to school, I go back to my job as a teacher, and Eric back to being a Philly police officer. And the day after that we go back to cancer, and another CT scan at Sloan-Kettering in NYC. But for 1 glorious trip, cancer did not define us, we DEFIED it!

Much Love,
Eric, Jeaneane, Mark & Logan

For Pete's Sake, Take a Break from Cancer

Through an amazing organization called For Pete's Sake (FPS) our family is being given the opportunity for a respite. This grassroots local non-profit is pretty amazing. I highly suggest you visit the page to learn more. Basically this young woman Marci lost her husband to cancer when he was just 30 years old. After his death she dedicated her life to helping others going thru the same thing. It's truly inspirational. Anyway, I had called to ask a few follow up questions and ended up talking to this girl Amber. This was all before we found out Eric's cancer was back. I was so giddy and happy that Amber asked me to write about my experiences. We ended up being the feature family for the month of November. I was really touched. I started to write Amber then got sidetracked. I finally finished that letter today and wanted to share it. I am very touched by this organization, and hope that you support them in any way. They really make such a difference in the lives of others.

Amber,
When I spoken with you a few weeks ago, after chewing your ear off forever, you had asked me to write down my experiences and email them to you. I sat down to begin writing this, and then got sidetracked with the million things going on with life. But I knew I would get back to it. FPS has blessed us with the opportunity to go on a respite, and the least I could do was share my personal joy with this experience, and how touched I was by the kindness of others. I was feeling such happiness and joy as I talked to you. And I couldn't wait to share my experiences. And then my world was altered, and I was left in a state of disillusion.

On Monday November 7th we were told my husband's cancer was back. After all the surgeries, and treatment, and almost losing him to infection over the summer, he was feeling great and technically 6 months "cancer free". After telling us those horrible words, the next thing they said, was "You will still be able to go on your respite. We will schedule treatments around it." And with a few words, this respite became so much more then just a break after months and months of fighting, it became a break in his next battle we now face. And you cannot even imagine how much more this opportunity means to us then before (Not that it wasn't already AMAZING). In some ways I am still in a state of shock. I knew there was a chance this could come back, I kept watching the lab reports and the CEA levels slowly rising, but I just hoped and prayed he wouldn't have to go through this again. But here we are, ready to fight. A little battered, somewhat broken, very tired, but not yet ready to give up.

I had mentioned to you on the phone that a little while after we had started the nomination process, I actually read Marci's story. I can't really tell you why I hadn't before, but I just hadn't. I researched and read every other page of the site, but her story was the one thing I just couldn't yet read. Eventually I got a box of tissues ready, went in my classroom all alone, and read it. I am glad I was alone and had the tissues ready. I felt like I was reading my own story. I was newly married to the love of my life. I was just turning 30 years old. I was trying to move upward in my career in the field of education. I had become a cancer spouse. And Cancer has invaded and threatened all that I loved so much, and worked so hard for. My husband, my big strong 35 year old Philly cop, was fighting the toughest criminal he ever had encountered. A horrible thing that wanted to kill him, colon cancer. Colon cancer that had been traveling and growing inside his body for years, with no indication it was there. Colon cancer that was Stage 4 when they finally found it. I just recently found out that when I wasn't in the room with him a doc had told him he had about 8 months to live. Who were they to put a time stamp on life? I didn't realize my husband had an expiration date.

But he fought so hard. From Oct 2010, they day of diagnosis to this next round in the ring. But all the time, Eric has just wanted to be "normal" he is sick of being the guy with cancer. He is tired of us being the cancer family. We just want to finally have happy memories. And that is what you are giving us the chance to make. you are enabling us to take a break from cancer, and be a family. Your enabling us to have an opportunity for our sons to have memories that don't involve hospital rooms and oxygen, and sickness that chemo causes. you are helping us to live.

Thank you so much for all that you do. Thank you for making this hell just a little bit easier. Thank you for helping me, feel like a mother and wife, and not a caregiver. And thank you to Marci, for taking the worst experience of her life, and turning it into such a beautiful thing for others. Through her strength and dedication, Pete lives on.


Sincerely yours,

Jeaneane

Thank you...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I guess it comes with the territory sometimes. I wrote this email to a mentor I had when I was a teenager. This man singlehandedly made me fall in love with music. While I could sing before, he turned me into a vocalist. I have so many amazing memories of this man, Mr. Tim Harrell.

Today I decided to write him an email. We haven't truly spoken, or had a close friendship in nearly 10 years. I think I briefly saw him about 7 years ago, right before I met Eric when I tried to attend services again at Trinity Solebury. I just couldn't make it work, the church was too far away. When I sang with Tim I felt so amazing...I like to remember those times.

Anyway, just like my letter to Tim, I want to reach out to so many of the people that have influenced my life these last...hmmm...30 years. In one way or another, you have all touched my heart and made me a better person.

THANK YOU!

Below I will share some parts of the email I sent to Tim and his response...It's nothing grand, but his response back really touched me.

Hello Tim:
Well some downtime in work, and a little soul searching led me to the Trinity page, and of course, you. I hope this email finds you in good health and spirits. I often see on ******** ******** facebook page tidbits about the goings on at Trinity. I imagine you are incredibly busy this lenten season.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well thinking, reminiscing, fondly remembering the blissful times when life was easy, and all it look was a beautiful Anthem to put a smile on my face.

As I am sure you have heard from ******, as she asked me if it was ok, life has thrown me yet another curveball. Sadly this experience really had me questioning my faith and understanding of God's graces. While I was able to quickly realize that it is God's will, it has still left me broken. I find myself once again a sheep lost from its flock. I am so disgusted (at times), yet know that it is my strong belief in our Lord that is helping me to get through this most difficult time.

I guess I am rambling on about nothing really. I haven't talked to you in ages, and for that I am sad. Basically I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for playing such an important role for 6 years of my life. I think of you often, especially now that I no longer sing. Please know that you made such an incredible impact in my life. During my darkest hours I now think of the happiest times in my life. Many of those memories have you playing a big part.

Fondly,
Jeaneane


Hi Jeaneane,

What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Isn't is ironic that you and
Jenn have connected through facebook. Yes, she shared with me what is
going on in your life and I'm so sad to hear how things are going.

Yes, things are busy during the Lenten season as you well know. Your
words are so kind about me and they brought tears as well. Yes, we all
look for those blissful times and as we look back on our lives we
realize how many things were easier in the past but don't forget that
when we were living those times, it didn't seem easy. I do think the
older we get the more challenges we meet.

We all struggle at times with our faith but I
want to challenge you or at least disagree with one thing you've said
and I hope you will take it with the love that it is given. I don't
believe it is God's will for people to suffer. If I believed otherwise,
I couldn't do any of this. I truly believe God suffers right along with
us during the down times just as God rejoices with us during the good
times. That expression "that it is God's will" brings back all those
loooooonnnnnngggggg (long) prayers at AJIC
rehearsals. (Now that should bring a laugh or at least a chuckle)

I wish you were closer not only to be singing here again but I think you
would find the adult study we've been doing since the fall a real eye
opener and a source of some comfort and understanding about God and our
faith. It has been amazing to watch the DVD and then hear the
reflections by parishioners who come from different backgrounds in their
faith journey. It isn't pious but quite progressive in it's content.

I got your email just moments after you wrote and dialed the number at
the end of it but they weren't able to locate you and were going to page
you. I told them it wasn't that important and I would try another time.
I just didn't want to put it off.

I will share this with Emory and we will both put you in our prayers.
Come see us sometime. You are ALWAYS WELCOME here.

Love,
Tim

Numbers...

I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .

life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!

Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.


Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike



Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs


Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers


I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....


But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.

About living and dying...

When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:

engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf]
vb (tr)
1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up
2. (often passive) to overwhelm

Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.

One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.

Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.

A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".

I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.

This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.

Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.

I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...

"Thank you for loving me. For being my eyes, When I couldn't see..."

For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I
Thank you for loving me

I pondered what to write in the blog today. Originally I was going to post yesterday, but the Turkey Coma I was in prevented and real thoughts from coming to my head. Plus I was trying to find a good song to leave you all with on this icky day.

Thanksgiving used to be my least favorite holiday. I hate the food, I really can't stand watching hours of football, I am usually tired from a particularly difficult school week (fellow teachers will understand), Logan is at his Dad's house (not that I care about that but I don't have my lil guy around), and somehow, someway, our family gets into stupid arguments over nothing,

But this year was different. This year I actually understood the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Ok not that I didn't understand it before, but I didn't appreciate the meaning before. I looked at Turkey Day as a great day to hang out with my family and drink with my cousins. This year I realized how grateful I am for everything that have.

The day was a great day for Eric as well. A day of laughter, love, and memories...with a heavy emphasis on the laughter. We started off at my Mom and Dad's house. My brother Sean had been out playing football with his friends and walked in covered in mud. My Mom started freaking out because he was so dirty, and she and my Dad told Sean not to get the shower dirty with all the mud. We could not stop laughing....How was he supposed to get clean, hose off outside?? lol Eric was laughing so much it literally hurt. While Sean was warming up by the fire my Mom started to clean his legs with Windex...I felt like I was an extra on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Angela you would appreciate it. Eric posted the pic on facebook and wrote this underneath "Love going to the in laws. Nothing like seeing ur mother in law use glass cleaner to clean mud off my brother in law after he just came in from playing football. Love the holidays."

Then we moved from window cleaning to fighting over the TV. Andrew, the youngest, was screaming at my Dad and Mom, because instead of watching football, they were watching HGTV. It was hysterical. Eric was hurting so bad from trying to stifle his laughter. My mom was yelling at me for laughing, so he didn't want to get caught. It got worse when my Dad realized "Miracle of 34th Street" was on (click Here for more about Dad's love of the movie). Andrew stole the remote and kept putting the game on during the commercials, but he did it in such a way that like every 15 seconds he kept changing, it was driving my dad nuts and he started yelling at him, "If I miss one second of "Miracle"..." OMG we couldn't stop laughing!

Eventually we ended up at my aunt Eileen's, and ate a fabulous dinner. During dinner we played a nice round of "Olney Trivia" (you have to be there to understand) led by my uncle Joey. And once again, Eric could not stop laughing. That say laughter is the best medicine, and if that is true, Eric got some great treatment last night. I predict 12% of his cancer masses were destroyed yesterday.

Now on to the list of things I am thankful for:
*Another holiday season to spend with those I love
*A real live superhero as a spouse
*A super awesome Son who gives me reasons to smile every day
*A great Stepson and his super supportive Mom who have been so fantastic throughout all of this
*Supportive parents, who have done so much for Eric and I
*My incredible family (The Kozlowski's, Conklin's, and extended Conway Families) who have prayed and supported us in some many ways since Eric was first diagnosed Thank you for making him a part of our family. "I am so happy to know what it feels like to be part of such a great family" -Eric (November 14, 2010)
*True Friends both old AND new. Those of you who have been there for us these past 2 months without fail. Both near and far offering your prayers, love, and support
*Strength we draw from other "Cancer Warriors" and their families. People like Angela K, Donna B., Patty B., Danielle K., Meaghan E., The Spirit Jumpers Family, and the strangers who shared their stories with me the week Eric was at MSKCC.
*God granting me another day to appreciate his beauty and graces
*My new found sense of faith. I have always believed in God, Jesus, and works of faith...but now it is something more, something hard to explain, but something beautiful
*The laughter of children. No one can feel bad after hearing a child life
*Co-workers of both Eric and I, who have gone beyond the call of duty. In particular: Theresa E., Capt McCarrick, Lt. McCartney, Sgt. McLain, Sgt. Barclay, and the Officers of the 2nd District. You guys have been beyond amazing
*The strength to purge my life of negative things and negative people. Very hard to do, but very necessary.
*and Finally, the strength and perseverance to fight for the man I love....no matter what obstacles we encounter.

And I leave you with a little Bon Jovi....Happy Black Friday!

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." — Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

In October of 2007 I happened to be watching Oprah, something I never do. But for some reason I turned it on and saw one of the most beautiful talks I had ever seen. Professor Randy Pausch was reprising his "Last Lecture" for millions. It was a condensed version of the 76 minute lecture he had given the month before at Carnegie Mellon University. I have provided a link to this clip, and I urge you to watch it before you move on, it will help you better understand where I am going with this.



Hope you had your Kleenex ready. But I guess I should have warned you about that. Now in 2007 cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. I had just gotten engaged that August, and was eagerly planning my wedding to the man of my dreams the following October. But Randy's lecture touched me in ways I couldn't imagine. It renewed my dedication to teaching, as I had sadly reached a bit of a rut that year. I had decided that "Never Giving Up On Your Childhood Dreams" was something my 7th and 8th grade special education students really needed to hear. I waited until the end of the year, after state testing, but I showed them that video clip. And we discussed how, as poor inner-city youth, they too could fulfill their dreams. Especially poignant, was the talk about people riding you that care, and about brick walls being there for a reason. You see, in urban education, often times 8th grade is the last year to try and "save" the kids that are teetering on the edge. And with that week long life lesson I know I at least made 1 student choose the right path. The following year the book came out, and I actually had my 8th graders read the book as well as watch the lecture in full, again I know that Randy helped me change the lives of some of those students.

Fast-forward to November 23, 2010. While tidying up some stuff in my room I found the copy of "The Last Lecture" that I gave to Eric for our first wedding Anniversary last year. You see 2008, before we got married, was a very difficult year for reasons that are too long and complicated to get into. But we faced devastation all around, that continued in that first year of marriage. It was hard to stay happy when things sort of sucked. And Eric took some things and the loss of personal relationships with those he considered friends very hard. When the book first came out, Eric, a non-reader, was engrossed in it and finished it in a few hours. So I figured for that first anniversary, and to tip my hat at the tradition of giving paper, I would give him his own copy.

Yesterday I opened up that copy of the book, and read the little note I wrote on the cover only a year ago:

Dearest Eric,
I got you your own copy! If anything, this book demonstrates that
one can never give up. There will always be obstacles in life,
but any obstacle can be overcome. In the midst of every dark
shadow is even the smallest ray of light.
Do your best to find that ray...
Happy Anniversary!

All My Love,
Your Wife

These words could not be truer only a year later. There is a reason I found this book. I needed to remember the wise words of Randy Pausch. I needed to be reminded that, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." I needed to remember how much every little memory in life should be cherished. I also needed to remember the strength that I know I posses, even when I don't think I do.

So Eric here we are with a big shadow enveloping us....or so it seems. But somewhere, somewhere in all this darkness, is our ray of light. Our love will help that ray to shine even brighter...so keep fighting baby and I'll keep loving with all that I am.

"I saw the Sign and it opened up my Eyes, I saw the Sign..."

Those of you that really know me know that music has always played a big role in my life. This fight is no exception. Plus it helps explain the reason why you will see a lot of lyrics on my pages. Music tells the story of our lives...and this is just another chapter.

But yesterday I did see a sign. I actually saw a lot of signs. But they all filled my with joy and helped me to realize things are going to be ok. We are faced with some temporary pain and sadness so that we may have a lifetime of love and laughter.

Yesterday was a great day for both Eric and myself. On Wednesday night our friends Dianne and Kelly came up with Dianne's son Jack. Jack leaves Eric the cutest messages, and I knew seeing the lil guy would really lift his spirits. So Wednesday night I left the hospital around 8 and met the crew at the hotel. The adults had several libations (which I paid for the next day...) and stayed up laughing. I needed a laugh, it had been a really tough week.

My mom decided on Wednesday night that she was going to venture up to NY with Logan so he could see Eric and I. It was perfect! This way I knew we could see Eric and then take the boys (and girls) on the town. So my Mom drove to Hamilton station in NJ, took a train and 2 buses with Logan to see us! If any of you now my Mom that is huge! She met, Dianne, Kelly, and I at the hospital. Eric got to see Logan and laugh at Jack, as well as spend some time with Dianne (another Officer in the 2nd) and Kelly.

But it keeps getting better! Around 1pm who shows up but Eric's Sergeant Jay, Lieutenant Tom, and "handler" Stan! Eric's Supervisors in the 2nd Dist are true class! How nice of them to take a day to come visit him so far away. As soon as he saw them his face lit up. And them coming gave me the opportunity to spend the day with Logan. The guys stayed until about 4, and Eric was so happy to see them! Thank you so much guys!

So off we went, My mom, Logan, Kelly, Dianne, Jack and I venturing through NYC. We walked from E67th and York to W34th and 7th...almost 3 miles. But we took in the sights of 5th Ave and and the Xmas Decorations, Rockefeller Square Times Square, Toy r Us (where Dianne was awesome and bought Logan a birthday present because he could not make up his mind between 2 items), and finally ended up at a Miracle on 34th Street...Macy's.


Anyone who knows my Father knows that Miracle of 34th Street is his favorite movie of all time. We watch it every Christmas for as long as I can remember. My dad loves Christmas, you can see the Twinkle in his eyes the closer it gets. And to him Miracle on 34th Street IS Christmas.He was the one who actually told me that's where Macy's was located. For those not familiar here is a trailer:

Miracle is so many things, but above all its about the power of the human spirit, and ones ability to Believe, despite all obstacles.

I had seen on the news that Macy's had revealed there Christmas Windows. I wasn't sure what it was but I really wanted to see them. When I turned the corner at Herald's Square, much to my delight I saw that Miracle on 34th Street was this years theme! The window glare made it hard to take pictures, but it was amazing...



We continued along 34th Street looking at the windows when I looked up to see the Christmas Lights. My eyes filled with tears and a smile slowly came across my face...it was a sign. On the 34th St side of Macy's, in huge writing, was the word "Believe". And it was at that point that I truly realized that things are going to be ok. It's not going to be easy, and there are going to be many obstacle along the way, and of course there are going to be those low moments when we are going to want to give up...That's life. And to think that those things won't happen, or that there will be days of self-pity and depression is insane. But when I looked up at that stately building on Herald Square and saw those beautiful words, I knew that eventually every thing will be ok. Like little Susan, even when I have warranted doubts, I just has to let go...and Believe...

Believe...

Now she's getting a tattoo, yeah, she's getting ink done...

She asked for a 13 but they drew a 31!

Much to the disappointment of my Mother, if she ever finds out, I did get another tattoo yesterday. Like the other 3 tattoos I have, this one has meaning. This one, by far, is the most meaningful to me. (Short tat history: First tat was a Sun representing endless summer,2nd tat was done at Miami Ink on my honeymoon-I got a celtic Love knot, 3rd tattoo was a phrase in Gaelic- "Aon grá amháin, fíor is síor" that means "One Love, True and Eternal").

When Eric was diagnosed a few short weeks ago, I immediately thought of Phillies legend Tug McGraw...that man never gave up. "Ya Gotta Believe" was he trademark saying both on the field and when he was battling cancer...I draw on him for inspiration...BELIEVE...




But this one is my symbol of strength and represents my dedication to Eric. I had the Colon Cancer Awareness Symbol tattooed on my upper back/shoulder area. I had asked Eric to write the word "Believe" in his script on a piece of paper. Underneath the colon cancer symbol, Believe was tattooed. The love of my life will be a part of me forever.

Jim Sloane at Pop's Place made the experience extra meaningful. He made sure both Eric and I were part of the design, and had Eric place the stencil on me. He even took the time to take pictures for us. What an Ace! When Eric beats cancer, Jim said he can't wait to tat on him, "Told you I'd beat this!" I can't wait for that day.


Jim, thank you so much for creating an incredible memory for Eric and I. And thank you for the beautiful tattoo. But more then anything, thank you for your prayers and support.

Blogger wont let me add a picture right now...I will when I can...