The day Xeloda finally failed....

Well we got really crappy news last Monday. Lung tumors doubled in size since the last scan 2 months ago. . So after 2 years 3 months of just xeloda, Eric will will be adding biweekly oxali infusions.

This is a major blow. His cancer is no longer controlled and managed.
Instead of folfox, he is sticking with xeloda and adding the oxali. Mostly because he hates being accessed for 3 days. But it's essentially the same thing. The KRas mutation obviously complicates things now. It really limits the amount of treatments he can get before his options run out. They were going to put him on the CPT11 and oxali combo but she has decided to hold that in reserve for when she really needs it. She also said lung surgery will happen soon, she is just waiting for a particular doc that is coming back to mskcc.

Eric is having a really really hard time with this treatment. I think being on xeloda, with all ts manageable side effects, spoiled him a little. Sure he got sick, but he clearly forgot just how ad the oxali is. He is sick. Very sick. barely eating, always sleeping when he gets the chance. E says it feels like he has been hit by a MAC Truck. Just a horrible constant nausea and weakness. And this was only the first round...it doesn't get any better. This is his off week, so hopefully he rebounds before treatment next monday. Pretty much this entire weekend was spent in bed with a bucket next to him. And the other horrible side effects of the oxali are the neuropathy in the hands and feet, and the inability to touch/tolerate cold. Even the slightest chill in a beverage feels like glass shards going down his throat. ITs going to make summer so much fun...insert sarcasm here.

We found a local oncologist out of Doylestown Hospital that we will be using for some of the infusion visits. Since they are biweekly now, going up to NYC every other Monday would just be ridiculous. We are moving to North Wales next month, and Doylestown will be super close. I have a family member that goes to this oncologist, Dr. Lorraine Dougherty, and I have heard very good things about her. Hopefully she is a good match.

I guess that's it. Nothing much more to say. The whole thing just stinks! Below is a pic from infusion last Monday, at least he is staying positive despite the tremendous disappointment.

glad christmas is over

This one was a tough one. Ever since we got the scan results before Thanksgiving I tried to have holiday cheer, mainly for the sake of my son, and partially for the sake of my own sanity. Even though previous Christmases have been cancer filled, this one just got to me more.

Eric really hadn't been out of bed much in over 2 weeks. All weekends were spent in bed...evenings from late afternoon on were spent in bed. The whole holiday was spent in bed. It was so sad. And he felt so horrible and worn.

I ended up delivering the presents to his son. Eric had wanted to do it but he was too worn. I called my mother in law to wish her a Merry Christmas. It was heartbreaking. Eric didn't even have the stamina to speak with her Christmas morning. He was able to open some gifts in bed Christmas morning. I made sure I snapped a shot of it, even though he got mad. I wanted a picture. I wanted something from this holiday.

Logan and I went to church together. It was so depressing looking around and seeing all the happy and HEALTHY families around us. Ok, maybe not everyone is healthy or happy, but they were well enough to make it to Christmas Mass with smiles on their faces rather then laying in bed in pain and exhausted. After communion, the whole church began singing "Silent Night". That's when I lost it. I started weeping silently in my pew and couldn't stop. People around me were staring and probably thinking I was insane. Luckily Logan didn't seem to notice. In a church full of people singing about the birth of our Lord, I had never felt more sad and alone. I prayed to God to help me, to give me strength. I prayed for strength for Eric. I didn't pray for him to be healthy. I know God already has his plan. Good or bad, I don't know, but he has already decided.  I just prayed for the strength to understand and accept his plan. I prayed for strength for Eric to continue to fight. Whether he is fighting for his cure, or fighting to stay with us as long as possible, I want him to continue to be whole. 

He never made it to Christmas Dinner. Thanks to some generous souls at The Breathing Room Foundation, I had a nice frozen meal I got ready for him. Logan and I went to my parents first for some gift giving then Aunt and Uncle's for dinner to spend time with the Conklins. I felt guilty for leaving him, but knew I needed to keep some sense of normalcy for my 12 year old. But overall, this Christmas was just rotten.

Well here is to a better 2013. Because 2012 was rotten too, and so was 2011, and the last part of 2010. 2 years and 3 months straight is a really long time to be fighting this horrible disease without any sort of break. That's a really long time to be sick every day. Hopefully 2013 gives Eric a break, and us a chance to reboot.

PET Scan and CT Scan first week in Jan. We find out the results Jan 14th. If cancer growth is reduced or stabilized we are happy. If cancer has grown or spread, then we reach our first official chemo fail, and 5FU and Xeloda will no longer be a treatment option. Remember there are only about 4 different drug options for Metastatic Colon Cancer, so a drug fail super sucks.

Thanks for all the prayers. We really need them.

I got lazy...

Here are some back dated posts from Eric's carepage. I put them in chronological order. Then I will do an update today. I suck.

A chance to breathe...

Posted Sep 14, 2012 2:54pm

We finally got some good news this week. We got the results back from Eric's PET Scans, and they were clear, showing no disease present. This is incredible news, and I guess in some way a shock.
Eric is to continue on chemo for an indefinite amount of time. This is an offensive measure. From the beginning we were told that even when all tumors were removed, Eric would have approx 6 months of chemo to be sure they killed off all the disease.

The CEA level dropped from 10.2 to 8 in a month. We are hoping it continues to drop. The CEA marks the presence of disease. Once we start seeing numbers below 4 we know this is going well.
So I guess we begin the road to remission. Don't know if I would clinically say Eric is there yet, but it sure is a weight lifted off of his shoulders knowing that they do not see any disease.
However, since he will be continuing on chemo, he will still have the fatigue and million other side effects it causes. Fingers crossed this journey is almost over, even if just for a little while.
Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. As always, BELIEVE.

nervous as hell

Posted Nov 13, 2012 8:34pm

Tomorrow Eric goes for another round of PET and CT scans. I'm a wreck, so is he. The September ones were clear, so these results could be life changing. These results may be able to tell us whether or not Eric is finally ahead of this disease after 25.5 months of chasing it. If these scans are clear then he may be able to stop chemo. If he stops and his scans in 3 months stay clear then he begins remission.

But there is always a chance the scans wont be clear. Since he is on chemo and the last scans showed no presence of cancer, if these next ones do, then the chemo is considered a failure and we have to try something new. There are only about 5 types of chemo Eric can use successfully, we can't afford a failure, and quite frankly, he deserves a break.

So tonight I am saying my prayers and hoping the scans are good. We will not get the results until Monday, so its going to be a long 5 days and Eric is going to be a freaking basketcase. So any kind words you can send his way would be great. Help get his mind off things. And if the news isn't good in Monday, well we will fight on like we have since the beginning.

And as for me, ill keep it together and put on my brave face like I always do. Some day ill have my meltdown ...just can't have it yet ;-)

Silver Linings Playbook

Posted Dec 2, 2012 2:29pm

I feel like we are forever looking for the silver linings. Don' get me wrong, I am not complaining, but the ups and downs really start to take their toll.

As we are well immersed in our 3rd holiday season since Eric's diagnosis, all around me I can find things to be grateful for. Loving family, true friends, wonderful jobs and coworkers, and Eric being here to spend another holiday with us. We are lucky, many people don't get to live to see another Christmas, let alone 3, after a diagnosis like his. But the length of this battle is taking its toll physically, emotionally, spiritually, and any other "ly" you can think of.

I wasn't going to share this information, as I wasn't sure how much Eric wanted people to know. But we told our families, and Eric said it on facebook, so I figured I would let the other people who have supported him since day 1 know. The PET scan results we received right before Thanksgiving were not good. They weren't horrible, but they weren't good.

If you recall Eric's scans in September showed no disease, but to be offensive they kept him on chemo. It seemed that the last of the cancer that the docs had been chasing for 2 years was finally gone. Sadly, this November scan showed disease in the liver. New disease. Disease that grew while he was on chemo. Its a small amount, but it is there, and it is very disheartening. The liver had been cancer free for a year. This is a bad blow. Also CEA tumor marker went from 6.8 to 9 in a month, indicating cancer growth.

This stinks, and Eric was pretty upset (as I was), but he is taking it with stride now. They decided to keep him on the same dosage of the same chemo until the next PET scan in Jan. I think they are trying to get him through the holidays comfortably. This regimen has been , by far, the easiest for him in terms of side effects and mental toll. Kemeney already has a game plan I am sure. If there is more growth in the next scan he will prob be put back on the big guns, and life will really suck. The big stuff is terrible. It turns Eric into a real "sick person".

So this holiday season, please remember whats important. I know I am. Laugh a little more, smile a little wider, hug a little tighter, and say I love you to those who you do...you just never know what tomorrow will hold.
Peace & Love,
Jeaneane

Eric's Cancer Fight Countdown: 790 days of fighting and living since being told he was going to die.

How the hell did this happen?

When Eric was first diagnosed, I didn't wonder how or why he got cancer. I just went into battle mode. I think I have said that a million times before. But over the past few months his cancer development has haunted me. I mean for christsake, how can one have NO SYMPTOMS for years...how can it be stage IV....when the hell did this start??


Eric has no family members that have had colon cancer, or any precancerous afflictions. No Crohns, no polyps, no issues. He never had blood in his stool, or irregular bowls really. I mean he poo'd when he needed to poo, didn't suffer from constipation, lose weight, or have difficulty with his intestines, yet when they finally discovered he had cancer, he was like 90% blocked in his colon. Forealzies, he could have died of sepsis before they ever found this.

No joke Eric had no symptoms until 12 hours before he went to the ER. Yes you heard that right 12 HOURS!!! He had been suffering from a sinus infection, so he took off Monday and went to the doctors. He was given meds and decided to take off Tues as well. Wednesday morning he woke up in the morning with me with, I believe ran some errands or something, then fell asleep because he just felt tired (not uncommon for a police officer who works shifts). He set is alarm clock so he would be awake for Logan when he came off the bus. Around 2:30-3 he started texting me telling me he was in a ton of pain. I called him. Convinced him to just go get himself to the doctors, and I would have someone get Logan. I had just started my job as an SBIS and as at school. It was the end of September. He went to the doc's office and they immediately saw he was in distress. They can a few tests and told him to get himself to the hospital. They weren't sure if it was a PE, his appendix, Pneumonia or what. De describe his pain like someone was stabbing him in the side and twisting the knife. I met him at Abington's ER.

He got so many tests that night. First the xray, then the CT- Scan, Then the MRI...they knew something was in the liver. They saw a thickening in the colon. But they didn't tell us a damn thing, they just admitted him and had him scheduled for a liver biopsy the following day, Thursday. The whole time I know they knew. They never gave us any information, made us sweat it out the whole weekend. Scheduled him for a colonoscopy that Monday. it was torture. Then of all people, a fucking 1st year med student told us Eric had cancer. She thought we had already been told and asked us if we wanted more info about his cancer. It was a nightmare. My poor Eric. He just cried and cried silently, and I just held him. I didn't cry, nor did I utter many words. But man did I pray. I screamed inside. I prayed so hard to God while I was holding him. I prayed for Eric to be well, I prayed for it all to be a big mistake even though I knew it wasn't. I prayed to grandfather Jim. I prayed with all of my being for him to give me strength. But I never, not once, asked "Why?".

By the grace of God my Aunt Eileen and my Mom Mom were there. Eileen knew the doctor, so she was able to remember the things I couldn't. I truly think my Pop Pop sent them. He wouldn't have wanted me to be alone. He made sure others were there so that I didn't fall apart. That was Monday. By Wednesday they were removing a part of his colon. Saturday he was discharged, and less then 2 weeks later we were meeting with Dr. D'Angelica up at Sloan. We raged on.

But this fall, after 16 surgeries/procedures, and months of chemo, 2 bouts of MRSA (one where I almost lost him), 6 months of being "cancer free", and the heartbreaking news that the cancer was back, I started to question. And I mean like really question. how the hell did this happen to him? Was it something he was born with, was he genetically flawed, did something else cause this?? How long had he had cancer? Could we have prevented this? Was there something we missed?
I had always been worried about colon cancer for myself. My paternal grandmother died of it. I knew the signs, he hadn't shown anything! And Eric was relatively HEALTHY! He was a strong, and active Police Officer. his only health issues were asthma, allergies, and skin problems. He wasn't sickly. So what the fuck made this happen?

It was then, I started to piece things together. After researching online, and looking at the normal progression of poylps to full cancer, i estimated that Eric was around mid to late 20's when his cancer began to develop. During that time he was in his best shape and most active. It was during that time that he was a narcotics officer. It was during that time, that he was headquartered at the former Frankford Arsenal, which ironically was located right next to Rohm and Haas Plant, and the Sunoco Chemical plant. I started to remember stories he told me about being told they could not drink the water, and that certain buildings/areas were considered hazards. I recalled one story he told me about the cops going out to there cars after a shift and there were million of dead bugs everywhere, like a light dusting of snow on the cars and the ground. He had also told me stories of warnings that had come from the plants when something had happened. I never recalled the specifics to those stories though. But the one thing I finally remembered, because he had mentioned it on several occasions, was the asbestos in the buildings. There were times when things broke (tiles, walls and such, whee they were wet down and covered before it could be moved. But contractors did what they want, and the buildings were so old they were forever falling apart. He was working so many hours that he practically lived there. And day after day he was being exposed to god knows what.

See the asbestos thing didn't jump out at me at first. I thought that led to mesothelioma and lung cancer. But I was CONVINCED that working at the arsenal had something to do with Eric developing cancer. I started researching environmental factors related to colon cancer. And there I found it, studies showing links between asbestos exposure and colon cancer. What.the.fuck.

We go up to NYC tomorrow for treatment, but we won't be seeing Dr. Kemeny again until March. But this is eating at me, and has been for quite some time. I finally shared my thoughts with Eric this weekend. I didn't want to scare him or overwhelm him, and I didnt want him to dwell on the negative, but it was irking the shit out of me. People still work there, hell my stepson goes to high school in the arsenal. i want to try and talk to someone about this. In my amateur research I saw that the arsenal was cited by the EPA in 2010 for not following protocol when disposing of Asbestos. I am sure that was going on for years, they just finally got caught. I also found that the arsenal is on a "hot list" of workplaces with extremely high likelihood of asbestos exposure. As crazy as it sounds, it all sort of makes sense. I need to talk to his doctors and find out if these is plausible. No one should have to go through this hell. I would feel terrible if I might have found a reason and didn't help prevent others from it.

short but sweet

All visible tumors now gone. Doesn't guarantee cancer is gone, but nothing can be seen by the naked eye. Tumor growth burned, as was cells surrounding tumor growth area in liver. Continue receiving 5FU chemotherapy. Meet with oncologist next Monday to discuss if any changes will be made to treatment. Will also review the results of PET scan that was performed.

E did well with the procedure and was able to go home that night.

texting away after waking up.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Just as an FYI- I am not really using facebook much anymore. At least not for posting updates. I limited what people can see as well. So I will continue to use this, as well as the blog for updates. I also went to on a deleting frenzy. Please do not take it personally if you were deleted. Because of some privacy concerns I basically limited my account to close friends and family. Sorry if I offended anyone, although I am sure facebook doesn't really bother many of you.

WTF??!!

That's basically the only words I have right now. Since the proper family members have been informed, I now felt it was ok to tell everyone else that Eric's cancer is back. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. He celebrated this milestone by getting a tattoo (if you know Eric you would understand why). He explains the symbolism of the tat as, "The worst day of my life, and the people who saved me."

Well now, a month later, and 7 months cancer free, they found tumor growth in his liver. Again I say, WTF?! This guy can't catch a break. He finally felt like his life was beginning to become normal again, and he gets rocked with this. But I am so proud of how well he is handling it, and how he continues to fight on. But I still think he and I are both warranted a little "WTF".

So the fight continues. It feels like deja vu in a way. The beginning of the school year, new school, new job, new friends in our lives. And then cancer comes and invades our world.

There are only a few requests I have right now, and they are sincere. 1.) Please continue to pray for Eric's health and strength. (And if you wouldn't mind a few extra prayers for the rest of his family that would be great too).

2.) We need our friends and family, and we need our lives to have the least amount of drama as possible. That means, I need to make amends. I am asking for forgiveness from some, and it would make Eric and mine, and our children's lives much easier if we can forgive and move on. Anger is a poison that does NOTHING to help fight.

3.) I need help. I can't do this alone again. Pride aside, I will take people up on offers to help. If your off on a Monday, and can take Eric to NY for an appointment, I need you. If you have kids that Logan could play with and wouldn't mind another kid hanging out, I need you. There are so many other things I could put, but the bottom line is that I need my family and friends to fight help Eric in his fight. Last year, mostly by choice, I did it all by myself. I nearly cracked. i wouldn't let anyone help me, it was a huge mistake. This year I will not do it. If you can help, let me know.



Eric is continuing to go to work. He even went in to teach the recruits with his fanny pack on. In that fanny pack was the chemo pumping into his port to keep him alive. Sure he felt like shit. Hell the day before he was told his cancer was back. But he went because he wanted to. Because he wants to still be Eric.

I am going to try to continue to work as much as possible. I want to save the time in case I really need it. Eric will be having upcoming surgery soon (or so it seems) to remove the tumor growth. I would need to take off for that, so any appointments, I am trying to see if people wouldn't mind taking him up to NYC. (I will provide the car/gas/tolls I just need peoples time). These appointments are Mondays. Eric says he can take himself if I can't go, but I would rather someone go with him, in case he has a negative reaction from the chemo.

Well I will summarize what's going on medically:
09/16/11- 6 months cancer free
10/4/11- 1 year anniversary of Stage IV diagnosis
10/31/11- 7 month CT Scan
11/7/11- Results of Scan
11/7/11- Hear the dreaded words, "We found cancer." CEA LEVEL: 7.1
11/7/11- Treatment begins at 6:30pm. Eric is given a different type of chemo, 5FU.


A little about 5FU: It's the oldest chemo there is for fighting colon cancer. Not that its any less effective. It runs for a period of 48 hours, hence the fanny pack. It's used to treats lots of other cancers too. It's a good drug, and has many less side effects then the drug combo Eric was on before. Eric was previously taking "the big guns". They dont want to use that combo again unless they need to. That was a 3 chemo cocktail of FUDR, oxaliplatin, and irinotican. A nasty strong combo. But the doc's feel they can give his the 5FU and shrink the tumor growth. If more tumors were to be found in different areas, then the big guns would come out.

Starting Chemo Again....
Rocking his killer fanny pack...

Numbers...

I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .

life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!

Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.


Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike



Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs


Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers


I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....


But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Some good and some meh

Good: 21st will be eric's last chemo for 7 weeks. Kemeny wants to stop 3 weeks before surgery, and he won't have chemo for 4 weeks after.

Good: she also said he won't have much chemo after surgery. It would just be a precaution. Maybe 2 rounds in may-june.

Good: she was smiling and happy with how well Eric is doing. If you know Kemmeny, you know this is a big deal.


Meh: eric's bloodwork wasn't ideal today, so he isn't getting chemo. He has to get bloodwork done next monday in Philly to make sure he's good for the 21st. She's not too concerned because she thinks bloodlevels are whacked beccause of PVE last monday.

MEh: the 21st in now going to be a NY day, and its during PSSA's. That is going to go over real well at worlk. About as well as a fart in church.

Meh: I have never seen Eric so tired before in my life. It really sucks.

Now I'm feeling so Fly, Like a G6

Woohoo! Spoke with Dr. D'Angelica's staff yesterday. Liver resection rescheduled for April 19th!

Chemo to continue and Eric is working hard to prepare for surgery.

He is also preparing for the "Get Your Rear in Gear" Colon Cancer 5k on March 21st.

Eric was featured on the Gear your Rear in Gear website....you can see his story here

If you would like to help Eric and our Team you can do so 2 different ways, you can either sign up to run with our team, Dial's Dooker Troopers, or donate to our fundraising goal of $1000. We are not even halfway there!

You can donate on the Team Dial Fundraiser PAge. Every little bit helps...from $5 to $500. Please help us reach our goal! Thank you those who have already donated!

You can also participate in our team. You can do so by registering with active.com and signing up for the event. The direct link is here . Make sure you sign up as "Team Member" and look for "Dial's Dooker Troopers" as the team.


Thanks again for everyones support!

A personal glimpse into the life of a cancer patient.

Ok so may it is not quite a glimpse, but today I feel the closest I probably ever will to feeling 1/3 of what Eric feels like on a daily basis. I have been stricken with the dreaded stomach virus that is making its rounds with all my friends and family. Logan had it for a day, only puked 4 times and felt better by 4pm the same day. Just to be on the safe side I had quarantined him at my parents house so Eric wouldn't get sick. That was a few weeks ago. But alas, it seems that I finally got hit with this monster. I looked like this poor little girl all day today. Not nearly as cute, and basically laying on the bathroom room floor. I feel even worse now, but moved to the couch and just run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. This sucks. And I only see it getting worse as the day progresses.

Now I know how Eric feels. He probably feels even worse then this. For almost 2 weeks he feels like shit. Feels nausea and stomach pains that leave him miserable and so worn out. When asked how his day is, he usually responds "tastes like shit". Now I know what that means.

Previously, the best way I could have described the chemo effects is a long lasting hangover. You know the ones were all you want to do is stick your finger down your throat to make it go away?? Yea those kind. But now after less then 24 hours of being tormented with the stomach bug, I can empathize at a totally new level. Now I understand why he doesn't want to go out and just wants to go to sleep. I feel it too right now, and I knew mine will pass in a few days, where Eric has until June to fell like shit, with every treatment feeling worse.

Needless to say I am staying away from Eric. I am staying away from everyone. If what my friends have told me is true, this horrible thing lasts several days to clear from your system. UGH!!!!!! I CANT BE SICK!! I need to take care of my family. GRRRRRR!!!!

Eric's mother Kathy, and her friends and family, are holding a benefit this weekend for Eric. The Beef & Beer for Officer Eric Dial~Our Cancer Warrior is being held this Saturday at Turner's in Roxborough from 7-11. There will be excellent food, baskets, and dancing with music being provided by PJ the DJ. It is really kind of them to do this for Eric. A lot of hard work was put into the event, and we thank everyone who attends.

Eric will be heading up to NY this weekend to prepare for Monday's Portal Vein Embolization. To prepare for this he has gone into an isolation. No going out, no crowds, pretty much staying in the house. It's a tough thing to do when you are used to being active, but the doctor ordered it. According to the oncologist, "If you want to continue to be my patient, then you will follow my rules." I guess it hasn't been so hard this week because he is so sick from chemo, but now, as he prepares for this major procedure Monday, and his upcoming liver resection, he needs to follow her rules.

Monday's procedure is an interesting one. The are basically going to shutdown the right side of the liver by cutting blood flow in the artery. If you guys remember from previous posts, the right side of his liver still has all the tumors. With the first part of his liver resection in November, Dr. D'Angelica was able to remove all the cancer from the left side. Anyway, when the cut off blood flow this will cause the right side to start to shrink, essentially "killing off" some of the tumors in the process. While this is happening, the left side of the liver will be forced to regenerate (grow back) at a faster rate. This will give Eric the largest liver section possible when liver resection surgery occurs. Hopefully the resection will be in 6-8 weeks, maybe around Easter time. When we met with Dr. Lee on Monday for chemo he was ecstatic over the latest CT results. He has been so supportive of us, and carries out Dr. Kemeny's medical plan perfectly. It's also nice because we get a little more one on one attention from Dr. Lee because he has the time Dr. Kemeny does not have.

So all in all, we are still fighting the good fight. We keep our faith and sense of humor. Eric keeps pushing the bar because he knows he will beat this. Only a few more months and all of this will just be another obstacle that we overcame. Here's to laughter, love, faith, and courage!

About living and dying...

When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:

engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf]
vb (tr)
1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up
2. (often passive) to overwhelm

Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.

One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.

Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.

A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".

I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.

This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.

Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.

I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...