"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it."-Toni Morrison

I feel like I am all alone. I know I am not. I know there must be other people out there going thru the same crap I am. But God do I feel alone, almost always.

I spent more time then needed talking to a woman at Gilda's Club yesterday afternoon then I really should have. I was looking for a support program for Logan. She was asking me about Lo and I started giving her background info. Then I started talking about myself, and how there is nothing out there, how I feel so lost and alone. She didn't really say anything on the other end, and I was grateful for that. She just let me vent. I needed that. When I got off the phone, i cried. Thank God I was alone in my empty classroom.

Things are really starting to hit me now. I am losing strength, losing momentum. The first year I ran on autopilot. I was in fight mode. There was never a dull moment. Not only was I fighting for and with E, but I was also trying to cope with him hating me.

It has taken a long time to finally admit this to anyone. I haven't really told a real person, but here I am writing it on the internet. My husband hated me. All the websites I consulted told me this was normal. That cancer patients often take it out on those they love the most. Its almost like a natural instinct to push away those that love you, so, in the patients mind, you won't be hurt if something tragic happens. I called bullshit on that often. I mean really, I have heard tragic diagnosis bringing people closer, but rarely pushing them apart. But how the hell would I really know, because I couldn't find anyone else like me out there, a 30 year old cancer spouse and caregiver.

There are lots of books and support groups, and online resources for parents of children with cancer. There are lots of things for breast cancer spouses, and people whose older parents have cancer. But nothing for people like me. Hell even E's cancer isn't common in young adults, although it is becoming increasingly so. It seems the only people close to my age are husbands whose wives are battling breast cancer. And they are lucky because they are given so many support. I am not bitter, I just wish there was something for me.

When we sit in the waiting room at the oncologists office, we look so out of place. I talk to my old lady friends who are fighting colon cancer, and their spouses. But shit its not the same. They have been blessed with the gift of time. I have been married for 40 months. E has been fighting cancer for 16 months. That's 40% of the time I have spent married. 40 effin percent!

Since I am all alone in this, I have turned to writing. Some of the stuff I wrote never made it to the blog. It was just too personal. Those months when E hated me were really really hard. I am thankful that it really was the treatment, as I had suspected, and not a true hatred for me. He finally realized just what he was doing and saying. Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. But then again I don't think any marriage is perfect. If its perfect, then in fact its fucked up. Because someone in that relationship is hiding their feelings, or they are putting on a show for everyone else. I have seen plenty of that, especially being a cop's wife. FAKE ASS FUCKED UP PEOPLE/MARRIAGES.

I am thinking about writing a memoir. More for myself then anyone else. It would be to help people who feel completely alone. It would be raw, it would be from the heart, it will show my hurt and my sorrow, and my happiness. It will show what it is really like to be a raging bitch inside, but have to play nice. It will show what it is like to fight tooth and nail for the love of your life. It will show what it is like to have your heart break into a million pieces. It will show what it is like to be all alone. It will contain foul language, and lots of ellipses...because I like them. it might even lack the proper use of capital letters because i am kind of a lazy typist. yea...this might just be a decent idea.

Thankful....

So far Eric has had 2 chemo treatments with minimal side effects. I have managed to play Dr. Dial pretty well and de-accessed his port successfully. He is still able to go to work most days, but E is pretty tired. CEA levels are still up and down, up this time around. However his liver functions are almost back to normal. Dec 5th we go to Sloan for treatment and meet the chief of Staff for Interventional radiology to discuss surgical options to destroy the tumor.

Today I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for family and friends, and the amazing Doctors and nurses at Sloan Kettering. I am blessed to be spending another Thanksgiving with my husband. A year ago I wasn't sure if this was going to be a reality.

Thank you all for your continued support, especially for Eric, his son Mark, and my son Logan. It means a lot.

Here's Eric and his new pal Gunney. Gunney helps calm Eric.

Thank you...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I guess it comes with the territory sometimes. I wrote this email to a mentor I had when I was a teenager. This man singlehandedly made me fall in love with music. While I could sing before, he turned me into a vocalist. I have so many amazing memories of this man, Mr. Tim Harrell.

Today I decided to write him an email. We haven't truly spoken, or had a close friendship in nearly 10 years. I think I briefly saw him about 7 years ago, right before I met Eric when I tried to attend services again at Trinity Solebury. I just couldn't make it work, the church was too far away. When I sang with Tim I felt so amazing...I like to remember those times.

Anyway, just like my letter to Tim, I want to reach out to so many of the people that have influenced my life these last...hmmm...30 years. In one way or another, you have all touched my heart and made me a better person.

THANK YOU!

Below I will share some parts of the email I sent to Tim and his response...It's nothing grand, but his response back really touched me.

Hello Tim:
Well some downtime in work, and a little soul searching led me to the Trinity page, and of course, you. I hope this email finds you in good health and spirits. I often see on ******** ******** facebook page tidbits about the goings on at Trinity. I imagine you are incredibly busy this lenten season.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well thinking, reminiscing, fondly remembering the blissful times when life was easy, and all it look was a beautiful Anthem to put a smile on my face.

As I am sure you have heard from ******, as she asked me if it was ok, life has thrown me yet another curveball. Sadly this experience really had me questioning my faith and understanding of God's graces. While I was able to quickly realize that it is God's will, it has still left me broken. I find myself once again a sheep lost from its flock. I am so disgusted (at times), yet know that it is my strong belief in our Lord that is helping me to get through this most difficult time.

I guess I am rambling on about nothing really. I haven't talked to you in ages, and for that I am sad. Basically I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for playing such an important role for 6 years of my life. I think of you often, especially now that I no longer sing. Please know that you made such an incredible impact in my life. During my darkest hours I now think of the happiest times in my life. Many of those memories have you playing a big part.

Fondly,
Jeaneane


Hi Jeaneane,

What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Isn't is ironic that you and
Jenn have connected through facebook. Yes, she shared with me what is
going on in your life and I'm so sad to hear how things are going.

Yes, things are busy during the Lenten season as you well know. Your
words are so kind about me and they brought tears as well. Yes, we all
look for those blissful times and as we look back on our lives we
realize how many things were easier in the past but don't forget that
when we were living those times, it didn't seem easy. I do think the
older we get the more challenges we meet.

We all struggle at times with our faith but I
want to challenge you or at least disagree with one thing you've said
and I hope you will take it with the love that it is given. I don't
believe it is God's will for people to suffer. If I believed otherwise,
I couldn't do any of this. I truly believe God suffers right along with
us during the down times just as God rejoices with us during the good
times. That expression "that it is God's will" brings back all those
loooooonnnnnngggggg (long) prayers at AJIC
rehearsals. (Now that should bring a laugh or at least a chuckle)

I wish you were closer not only to be singing here again but I think you
would find the adult study we've been doing since the fall a real eye
opener and a source of some comfort and understanding about God and our
faith. It has been amazing to watch the DVD and then hear the
reflections by parishioners who come from different backgrounds in their
faith journey. It isn't pious but quite progressive in it's content.

I got your email just moments after you wrote and dialed the number at
the end of it but they weren't able to locate you and were going to page
you. I told them it wasn't that important and I would try another time.
I just didn't want to put it off.

I will share this with Emory and we will both put you in our prayers.
Come see us sometime. You are ALWAYS WELCOME here.

Love,
Tim

Numbers...

I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .

life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!

Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.


Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike



Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs


Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers


I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....


But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The Doctor's Wife

There is an awesome series in the New York Times following the journey of Dr. Bach, a physician at Memorial, whose wife was diagnosed with cancer. I found the blog from a post made on the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Facebook Page.

Much like myself, Dr Bach is blogging about his journey. His series, The Doctor's Wife is very real. In the first 2 submissions I have found myself nodding, tearing up, laughing (the form comment) and just FEELING everything Dr. Bach is going through.

Ok so I am not a Doctor, so maybe I do not know the clinical end, but I am a highly educated young woman who is so deeply in love with her husband that she will do anything to keep in him alive. I have taken on the role of caretaker, and have completely educated myself with regards to colon cancer, especially with regards to Eric's current diagnosis.

I highly suggest everyone take the time to read this frank account of Dr. Bach's journey.


If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour, if we could find a way
To get inside each other's mind
If you could see you through my eyes
Instead your own ego I believe you'd be
I believe you'd be surprised to see
That you've been blind

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

An old high school friend sent me a message. I had been seeing some of her statuses on facebook and it seemed she had been pretty down lately and had a lot of bullshit thrown her way. I was really surprised when she sent me a message. It had a lot of weight to it, and between the lines I could almost feel the pain she must be going through.
No matter the cause of someones pain or frustration or hurt, bottom line is that it still sucks. If you are hurting you are hurting, and the density of what is causing that hurt really doesn't matter. I hope she is not mad, but I decided to post her message and my response. I am editing it a bit, both for her privacy, and reasons she will understand, but the message is still the same.

What I want everyone to get out of this is that hurting blows! And hopefully people will realize that plenty of people are in pain, its yet another reason to be nice to people, and smile. Because sometimes that smile can really make someone's day.


^^That's me in High School. Senior Portrait....seems like a million years ago! ^^
Figured I would put a high school pic up since Shirley Temple is a high school friend.

The message from Shirley Temple

So i didnt want to post this on your wall in case you didnt want to do it or if it was too personal but I would love to hear about how you are able to not focus on the bad or the people who for whatever reason or another are not the people you thought they were and how you are able to not dwell on it.

You wouldnt be human if it didnt get to you once in a blue moon but it sounds like you do such an amazing job not only not letting those people get to you but how you also protect eric from it and your kids.

I know you have always been a spritual person...does your faith play a role? For some reason lately I have been thinking about god and faith and feeling almost jealous of people who have a strong faith.

Ok now I am just rambling and I really dont mean to unload on you...

ok now I sorta forget the reason for this message...lol


TTYL

My response:

Wow hun. I am guessing from this message you are really going through a rough patch!

This experience has been a crazy one. It has taught me how to love more, not take stuff for granted, fight harder (if you can imagine that lol), and realize what truly matters.

I wish I could say I do not dwell on things, but I do. A lot of times it eats me up inside. Especially when it comes to people who are hurting us.

Bottom line is that I was abandoned by my friends, and some people trying to ruin us. Individuals are crazy upset, convinced I am an evil bitch, and are already picking out Eric's grave. Throughout this I have encountered some of the most negative people I know, who are loving (how fucked up does that sound?) the attention.

To protect them I take the brunt of everything. I keep the horrible things from Eric and the kids and I sacrifice my own wellbeing to do so. Sadly there are many nights I stiffle my crying in a hot shower, or bawl my eyes out in my car when no one is around. But I keep telling myself that I must be the one to handle it, because everyone else is too vulnerable.

It is really really hard. And one of the worst parts is the complete devastation that occurs when you realize people who you cared about are not who you thought they were. It is absolutely horrible. Maybe some of the worst pain and loneliness I have ever felt. But I try not to show it. I try to stay strong for Eric and the kids.

My way of venting is via my blog. Sometimes I rant and ramble and it makes no sense, but other times I am able to put into words just how I feel. It is soothing. I am not really that strong, I just am so in love and scared to death of losing my husband. I will fight with all that I have not to. I have always been a good fighter. And I have realized that the best in my comes out when things are at their worst and people need me.

Faith is helping me through this as well. Putting my faith in something higher and realizing that there is a purpose for all this. Whether it be to humble us, or make our faith stronger, it is there. I keep telling myself a few simple things:
1.) Whether I am able to have 2 years or 60 years married to my soulmate, I am grateful for it. No one will ever fill my heart or make me whole like he does
2.) Maybe I needed to grow up. Maybe this was God's way of saying I had steered off my path a little and I needed to be grounded
3.) If anything,Eric's cancer has made us aware that his son needs to be tested and monitored. Eric's cancer probably started when he was about 25. Mark is 15. He had his first colonoscopy. He will be spared and not have to go through this.

I guess I am rambling on a little too. I hope I answered your questions, but I fear I may have confused you more. By the way, never think that your problems aren't bad, or any less stressful then people dealing with "serious" issues. If a problem affects your life and makes you sad, then it is just as bad as anything I, or people like me, are dealing with. It doesn't matter the cause, if you are hurting you are hurting.

i leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

For those out there struggling, this is for you.

About living and dying...

When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:

engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf]
vb (tr)
1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up
2. (often passive) to overwhelm

Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.

One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.

Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.

A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".

I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.

This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.

Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.

I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...

"Thank you for loving me. For being my eyes, When I couldn't see..."

For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I
Thank you for loving me

I pondered what to write in the blog today. Originally I was going to post yesterday, but the Turkey Coma I was in prevented and real thoughts from coming to my head. Plus I was trying to find a good song to leave you all with on this icky day.

Thanksgiving used to be my least favorite holiday. I hate the food, I really can't stand watching hours of football, I am usually tired from a particularly difficult school week (fellow teachers will understand), Logan is at his Dad's house (not that I care about that but I don't have my lil guy around), and somehow, someway, our family gets into stupid arguments over nothing,

But this year was different. This year I actually understood the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Ok not that I didn't understand it before, but I didn't appreciate the meaning before. I looked at Turkey Day as a great day to hang out with my family and drink with my cousins. This year I realized how grateful I am for everything that have.

The day was a great day for Eric as well. A day of laughter, love, and memories...with a heavy emphasis on the laughter. We started off at my Mom and Dad's house. My brother Sean had been out playing football with his friends and walked in covered in mud. My Mom started freaking out because he was so dirty, and she and my Dad told Sean not to get the shower dirty with all the mud. We could not stop laughing....How was he supposed to get clean, hose off outside?? lol Eric was laughing so much it literally hurt. While Sean was warming up by the fire my Mom started to clean his legs with Windex...I felt like I was an extra on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Angela you would appreciate it. Eric posted the pic on facebook and wrote this underneath "Love going to the in laws. Nothing like seeing ur mother in law use glass cleaner to clean mud off my brother in law after he just came in from playing football. Love the holidays."

Then we moved from window cleaning to fighting over the TV. Andrew, the youngest, was screaming at my Dad and Mom, because instead of watching football, they were watching HGTV. It was hysterical. Eric was hurting so bad from trying to stifle his laughter. My mom was yelling at me for laughing, so he didn't want to get caught. It got worse when my Dad realized "Miracle of 34th Street" was on (click Here for more about Dad's love of the movie). Andrew stole the remote and kept putting the game on during the commercials, but he did it in such a way that like every 15 seconds he kept changing, it was driving my dad nuts and he started yelling at him, "If I miss one second of "Miracle"..." OMG we couldn't stop laughing!

Eventually we ended up at my aunt Eileen's, and ate a fabulous dinner. During dinner we played a nice round of "Olney Trivia" (you have to be there to understand) led by my uncle Joey. And once again, Eric could not stop laughing. That say laughter is the best medicine, and if that is true, Eric got some great treatment last night. I predict 12% of his cancer masses were destroyed yesterday.

Now on to the list of things I am thankful for:
*Another holiday season to spend with those I love
*A real live superhero as a spouse
*A super awesome Son who gives me reasons to smile every day
*A great Stepson and his super supportive Mom who have been so fantastic throughout all of this
*Supportive parents, who have done so much for Eric and I
*My incredible family (The Kozlowski's, Conklin's, and extended Conway Families) who have prayed and supported us in some many ways since Eric was first diagnosed Thank you for making him a part of our family. "I am so happy to know what it feels like to be part of such a great family" -Eric (November 14, 2010)
*True Friends both old AND new. Those of you who have been there for us these past 2 months without fail. Both near and far offering your prayers, love, and support
*Strength we draw from other "Cancer Warriors" and their families. People like Angela K, Donna B., Patty B., Danielle K., Meaghan E., The Spirit Jumpers Family, and the strangers who shared their stories with me the week Eric was at MSKCC.
*God granting me another day to appreciate his beauty and graces
*My new found sense of faith. I have always believed in God, Jesus, and works of faith...but now it is something more, something hard to explain, but something beautiful
*The laughter of children. No one can feel bad after hearing a child life
*Co-workers of both Eric and I, who have gone beyond the call of duty. In particular: Theresa E., Capt McCarrick, Lt. McCartney, Sgt. McLain, Sgt. Barclay, and the Officers of the 2nd District. You guys have been beyond amazing
*The strength to purge my life of negative things and negative people. Very hard to do, but very necessary.
*and Finally, the strength and perseverance to fight for the man I love....no matter what obstacles we encounter.

And I leave you with a little Bon Jovi....Happy Black Friday!

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." — Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

In October of 2007 I happened to be watching Oprah, something I never do. But for some reason I turned it on and saw one of the most beautiful talks I had ever seen. Professor Randy Pausch was reprising his "Last Lecture" for millions. It was a condensed version of the 76 minute lecture he had given the month before at Carnegie Mellon University. I have provided a link to this clip, and I urge you to watch it before you move on, it will help you better understand where I am going with this.



Hope you had your Kleenex ready. But I guess I should have warned you about that. Now in 2007 cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. I had just gotten engaged that August, and was eagerly planning my wedding to the man of my dreams the following October. But Randy's lecture touched me in ways I couldn't imagine. It renewed my dedication to teaching, as I had sadly reached a bit of a rut that year. I had decided that "Never Giving Up On Your Childhood Dreams" was something my 7th and 8th grade special education students really needed to hear. I waited until the end of the year, after state testing, but I showed them that video clip. And we discussed how, as poor inner-city youth, they too could fulfill their dreams. Especially poignant, was the talk about people riding you that care, and about brick walls being there for a reason. You see, in urban education, often times 8th grade is the last year to try and "save" the kids that are teetering on the edge. And with that week long life lesson I know I at least made 1 student choose the right path. The following year the book came out, and I actually had my 8th graders read the book as well as watch the lecture in full, again I know that Randy helped me change the lives of some of those students.

Fast-forward to November 23, 2010. While tidying up some stuff in my room I found the copy of "The Last Lecture" that I gave to Eric for our first wedding Anniversary last year. You see 2008, before we got married, was a very difficult year for reasons that are too long and complicated to get into. But we faced devastation all around, that continued in that first year of marriage. It was hard to stay happy when things sort of sucked. And Eric took some things and the loss of personal relationships with those he considered friends very hard. When the book first came out, Eric, a non-reader, was engrossed in it and finished it in a few hours. So I figured for that first anniversary, and to tip my hat at the tradition of giving paper, I would give him his own copy.

Yesterday I opened up that copy of the book, and read the little note I wrote on the cover only a year ago:

Dearest Eric,
I got you your own copy! If anything, this book demonstrates that
one can never give up. There will always be obstacles in life,
but any obstacle can be overcome. In the midst of every dark
shadow is even the smallest ray of light.
Do your best to find that ray...
Happy Anniversary!

All My Love,
Your Wife

These words could not be truer only a year later. There is a reason I found this book. I needed to remember the wise words of Randy Pausch. I needed to be reminded that, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." I needed to remember how much every little memory in life should be cherished. I also needed to remember the strength that I know I posses, even when I don't think I do.

So Eric here we are with a big shadow enveloping us....or so it seems. But somewhere, somewhere in all this darkness, is our ray of light. Our love will help that ray to shine even brighter...so keep fighting baby and I'll keep loving with all that I am.

"I saw the Sign and it opened up my Eyes, I saw the Sign..."

Those of you that really know me know that music has always played a big role in my life. This fight is no exception. Plus it helps explain the reason why you will see a lot of lyrics on my pages. Music tells the story of our lives...and this is just another chapter.

But yesterday I did see a sign. I actually saw a lot of signs. But they all filled my with joy and helped me to realize things are going to be ok. We are faced with some temporary pain and sadness so that we may have a lifetime of love and laughter.

Yesterday was a great day for both Eric and myself. On Wednesday night our friends Dianne and Kelly came up with Dianne's son Jack. Jack leaves Eric the cutest messages, and I knew seeing the lil guy would really lift his spirits. So Wednesday night I left the hospital around 8 and met the crew at the hotel. The adults had several libations (which I paid for the next day...) and stayed up laughing. I needed a laugh, it had been a really tough week.

My mom decided on Wednesday night that she was going to venture up to NY with Logan so he could see Eric and I. It was perfect! This way I knew we could see Eric and then take the boys (and girls) on the town. So my Mom drove to Hamilton station in NJ, took a train and 2 buses with Logan to see us! If any of you now my Mom that is huge! She met, Dianne, Kelly, and I at the hospital. Eric got to see Logan and laugh at Jack, as well as spend some time with Dianne (another Officer in the 2nd) and Kelly.

But it keeps getting better! Around 1pm who shows up but Eric's Sergeant Jay, Lieutenant Tom, and "handler" Stan! Eric's Supervisors in the 2nd Dist are true class! How nice of them to take a day to come visit him so far away. As soon as he saw them his face lit up. And them coming gave me the opportunity to spend the day with Logan. The guys stayed until about 4, and Eric was so happy to see them! Thank you so much guys!

So off we went, My mom, Logan, Kelly, Dianne, Jack and I venturing through NYC. We walked from E67th and York to W34th and 7th...almost 3 miles. But we took in the sights of 5th Ave and and the Xmas Decorations, Rockefeller Square Times Square, Toy r Us (where Dianne was awesome and bought Logan a birthday present because he could not make up his mind between 2 items), and finally ended up at a Miracle on 34th Street...Macy's.


Anyone who knows my Father knows that Miracle of 34th Street is his favorite movie of all time. We watch it every Christmas for as long as I can remember. My dad loves Christmas, you can see the Twinkle in his eyes the closer it gets. And to him Miracle on 34th Street IS Christmas.He was the one who actually told me that's where Macy's was located. For those not familiar here is a trailer:

Miracle is so many things, but above all its about the power of the human spirit, and ones ability to Believe, despite all obstacles.

I had seen on the news that Macy's had revealed there Christmas Windows. I wasn't sure what it was but I really wanted to see them. When I turned the corner at Herald's Square, much to my delight I saw that Miracle on 34th Street was this years theme! The window glare made it hard to take pictures, but it was amazing...



We continued along 34th Street looking at the windows when I looked up to see the Christmas Lights. My eyes filled with tears and a smile slowly came across my face...it was a sign. On the 34th St side of Macy's, in huge writing, was the word "Believe". And it was at that point that I truly realized that things are going to be ok. It's not going to be easy, and there are going to be many obstacle along the way, and of course there are going to be those low moments when we are going to want to give up...That's life. And to think that those things won't happen, or that there will be days of self-pity and depression is insane. But when I looked up at that stately building on Herald Square and saw those beautiful words, I knew that eventually every thing will be ok. Like little Susan, even when I have warranted doubts, I just has to let go...and Believe...