When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need...

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Chemo resumes today. Xeloda at a lower dosage then before to see if Eric gets toxicity again. He doesn't want to be on IV chemo, so we are hoping a lower dosage works. CEA level has increased from 9.8 a month ago to 10.2, despite the tumors in the lungs being removed. So clearly there is still cancer in his body. Pretty bummed.

We got into a fight the other day. He was yelling and screaming that he doesn't care anymore. So I gave it right back to him. I told him to give up then, stop fighting, stop letting so many people waste their time and energy supporting a person who doesn't care anymore. I got so mad and told him in frustration to stop all the treatments then, stop going to NY, stop taking up space and time someone who wants to live would be happy to get. I asked him why would he continue to have surgery after surgery and chemo and all the other nonsense if he didn't care anymore? his response-Because he felt like it. Then I called him out on it.  I told him that when you really don't care you stop saying anything at all. I forced him to hear me say that I know that he does care, and that he is scared to die. I told him anything you love is worth fighting for, and no matter how mad I made him (and boy did I make him mad), I was still going to fight for him, even if he wasn't going to fight for himself. I know he cares. But I know he is frustrated. The confirmation today of resuming chemo was just another blow. 

I'll keep pushing him. I swear to this. No matter how much he may hate me, I will push him. I WILL NOT let him give up. He has too much to fight for. He is tired and broken. But no matter what Eric, I promise,  I will try to fix you...