glad christmas is over

This one was a tough one. Ever since we got the scan results before Thanksgiving I tried to have holiday cheer, mainly for the sake of my son, and partially for the sake of my own sanity. Even though previous Christmases have been cancer filled, this one just got to me more.

Eric really hadn't been out of bed much in over 2 weeks. All weekends were spent in bed...evenings from late afternoon on were spent in bed. The whole holiday was spent in bed. It was so sad. And he felt so horrible and worn.

I ended up delivering the presents to his son. Eric had wanted to do it but he was too worn. I called my mother in law to wish her a Merry Christmas. It was heartbreaking. Eric didn't even have the stamina to speak with her Christmas morning. He was able to open some gifts in bed Christmas morning. I made sure I snapped a shot of it, even though he got mad. I wanted a picture. I wanted something from this holiday.

Logan and I went to church together. It was so depressing looking around and seeing all the happy and HEALTHY families around us. Ok, maybe not everyone is healthy or happy, but they were well enough to make it to Christmas Mass with smiles on their faces rather then laying in bed in pain and exhausted. After communion, the whole church began singing "Silent Night". That's when I lost it. I started weeping silently in my pew and couldn't stop. People around me were staring and probably thinking I was insane. Luckily Logan didn't seem to notice. In a church full of people singing about the birth of our Lord, I had never felt more sad and alone. I prayed to God to help me, to give me strength. I prayed for strength for Eric. I didn't pray for him to be healthy. I know God already has his plan. Good or bad, I don't know, but he has already decided.  I just prayed for the strength to understand and accept his plan. I prayed for strength for Eric to continue to fight. Whether he is fighting for his cure, or fighting to stay with us as long as possible, I want him to continue to be whole. 

He never made it to Christmas Dinner. Thanks to some generous souls at The Breathing Room Foundation, I had a nice frozen meal I got ready for him. Logan and I went to my parents first for some gift giving then Aunt and Uncle's for dinner to spend time with the Conklins. I felt guilty for leaving him, but knew I needed to keep some sense of normalcy for my 12 year old. But overall, this Christmas was just rotten.

Well here is to a better 2013. Because 2012 was rotten too, and so was 2011, and the last part of 2010. 2 years and 3 months straight is a really long time to be fighting this horrible disease without any sort of break. That's a really long time to be sick every day. Hopefully 2013 gives Eric a break, and us a chance to reboot.

PET Scan and CT Scan first week in Jan. We find out the results Jan 14th. If cancer growth is reduced or stabilized we are happy. If cancer has grown or spread, then we reach our first official chemo fail, and 5FU and Xeloda will no longer be a treatment option. Remember there are only about 4 different drug options for Metastatic Colon Cancer, so a drug fail super sucks.

Thanks for all the prayers. We really need them.

Iron Chef: Jose Garces (said in over exaggerated Japanese Accent)

Yea there is the birthday boy. He sure as hell doesn't look like he has cancer. Damn you wouldn't even know that earlier that morning he was sick as a dog from chemo. But he picked himself up and got all sexified for our romantic birthday dinner for 2 at Amada.

If you know Eric at all, you would know he LOVES Iron Chef. So I thought it would be a great idea to go to Jose Garces' place. We loved it, and as a bonus it was restaurant week. We had a great time. He even said next year we should go out with a few couples/friends. I loved hearing that....next year. Damn that man is so positive despite everything.

On another great note I got to tell him today that his CEA level went down from 6.0 to 5.3. Basically the cancer cells are dying....the treatment is working. Woohoo!

Thanks for the continued prayers...keep 'em coming. I would also like to send a special prayer request for another Cancer Warrior, Linda T. Linda just found out her breast cancer is back after 8 mo of remission. It is in her liver, nodes, and bone. She has 3 kids, and her hubby is a Philly cop. She needs those prayers too. Damn I hate this disease.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Dr. Suess....he was the man. too bad cancer snatched him too, although he did live you the impressive age of 87. He brought joy to so many. He made a difference in the world.

Yesterday was Eric's 36th birthday. Just another day he said. He has never been a big birthday person. It was I who made the big deal about birthdays. Last year he spent his birthday at Princeton University Hospital. He went to the ER and was admitted on his birthday. His gift for his 35, 5 fun filled days in a private hospital room. It was kinda cool, the room had 2 couches and a coffee table in it. Too bad it was a quasi blizzard and I couldn't entertain. But I did get him a birthday cake from nutritional services, Even a candle, but I couldn't light it.

This year for his 36th birthday, Eric spent it sick in bed from chemo. Infusion started on Wednesday and runs until this afternoon. I will de-access him when I get home. We didn't do anything special. I got him fried chicken because the grease helps the nausea, and i laid in bed with him scratching his head and trying to sooth his broken out skin (this chemo makes his skin burn...he looks like he had acid poured on him).

So this birthday wasn't a fancy one. We didn't have a big party or go out. Heck I even forgot to give him his card. But this year was a testament to his survival. He made it to another birthday, with hopefully many more to come. Birthdays really aren't a big deal. At least not until you aren't sure just how many of them you will have left. Then, they take on a whole new meaning. They become milestones...and another mile marker in ones journey. Eric has been alive 36 years. I have been blessed to have shared 7 of those years with him.

So i guess I am the one who received the gift when you really think about it. I am the lucky one.

So take a deep breath, pick yourself up, start all over again

Now nothing's impossible, I've found for when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.
Don't lose your confidence if you slip, be grateful for a pleasant trip,
And pick yourself up, dust off, start over again.
Work like a soul inspired until the battle of the day is won.
You may be sick and tired, but you be a man, my son.
Will you remember the famous men who have to fall to rise again,
So take a deep breath, pick yourself up, start all over again...

Ahhh, Old Blue Eyes....if only life were that simple. But there is some wisdom to that. And that is exactly what we are trying to do.

A day after we came back from out amazing respite thanks to FPS, Eric had to go to Sloan for a CT Scan, and to meet with his oncologist followed by treatment. It was a long day to say the least, and he was stuck up there himself.

Sadly eric was told by Dr. Kemeny that they found more tumors on the liver. I guess this was to be expected, considering the PET Scan glowed when he had his tumor removal surgery a few weeks back, but it is still tough to hear nonetheless. I was hoping that the rounds of chemo since the surgery would have made them nonexistent, but those suckers are fighting the chemo and not backing down. Luckily, Eric handled it ok, and even posted on facebook a status about how it looks like this beast (cancer) wants to go a few more rounds with him, but he's ready to keep fighting it. He said he won't give up. Its a beautiful thing to see despite getting pretty shitty news. I am so proud of him.

On the plus side his CEA level FINALLY went down to 6 after holding steady at 7.9 for over a month. In the words of Madea...


So we keep fighting on. Taking every day as a gift from God, being thankful for all that we do have, and continue to be blessed by crossing paths with special people during this journey. I have said this before, and I truly mean it, if it had not been for this experience, I don't think we would have learned what love means. Love isn't just a word or a feeling, it's an action too. And we have been shown love in so many places we may never have seen it. I have also learned a lot about life. Wisdom and beautiful secrets usually only those with many more years then I get to share. As much as cancer sucks, and boy does it suck, we are lucky. Without cancer, we would have never been so truly blessed and touched in so many ways. Much love and happiness to all who read this....(if anyone even does).

For Pete's Sake, We took a break from Cancer...

As many of you may already know, our family was blessed to be the recipients of a respite vacation to Florida, thanks to the For Pete's Sake Cancer Respite Foundation. For a few days we got to be a regular family. This quickly became a vacation that will always be closest to my heart. Word's cannot even describe what FPS has done to raise our family up. We are so lucky, and hope to pay it forward by participating in the For Pete's Sake, Walk fun walk at Citizen's Bank Park in April.Click here to directly join or donate to our team, "Phightin' for Officer Dial.

Eric and the boys were shocked the day we left for our respite to open the front door to several area news outlets, a limo, Marci the founder of FPS, and several of his fellows Officers in the Philadelphia Police Department there to send us off. One of the longer pieces was done by CBS Philadelphia...click for the report. Logan was a hoot when they interviewed him, I think I looked like a dork.

One of the things they ask you to do as part of the respite is to write an entry in the journal at the FPS home in Davenport, FL (yea they bought it for cancer patients and their families...soooo cool). The first day we arrived I read through the journal and read the other entries from Sailors and there families. It was really touching. FPS have touched the lives of so many people. FPS paid for our flight, lodged us in the organizations home (a beautiful 3 bedroom with a heated pool right outside Disney) tickets to Disney/Universal/Sea World, a rental car, and a stipend for food and other expenses. WOW. Anyone who can donate to this group, we would be so thankful. They are good people. I blogged about FPS before here. Please take a moment to read that post, as it will explain FPS even more.

I'm still trying to figure out how to share with you the magic of this experience. I think the best way is to share with you what I wrote in the journal at the home, and to share with you a picture I took right before we watched the sunset into the Gulf of Mexico....

Happy New Year! May this year bring us all good health, amazing memories, and much LOVE. Thanks to FPS, our memories have already become beyond amazing. Since Eric's diagnosis in Oct of 2010 (Stage IV Colon mets to liver), our entire family transformed from "normal dysfunctional" (lol) to "battle mode". The Dial's declared WAR ON CANCER!

Every step of this process was an easy one. Peg and Mariann went out of their way to make this the most amazing respite possible. And Marci even showed up at our house the day we left with a limo and 3 news stations! Imagine my husbands surprise when he opened the door to see over 20 of his fellow Philly Police Officers, along with Marci and the limo driver (as well as the cameras all around). Our boys were in just as much shock as well! Until we boarded the plane, the youngest had no idea where we were headed.

15 months afo my husband was told he had 8 months to live. Yet this week he laughed and smiled as if those words had never been said to him. He was once again the man I fell in love with. Even though he felt sick in the beginning of our trip, he pushed on, determined to enjoy every minute of his break from cancer.

One of the magical parts of this trip was watching Eric reconnect with his 16 year old son. This was something they truly needed. Cancer had really reeked some havoc on relationships. Now I have captured special moments, and they will have memories stored up that will help them get through the tough times ahead. See in November, after 6 months of being in remission after his liver resection, and sending 21 days in the ICU from post surgical infection , Eric was told his cancer was back. Tumors were found in the remaining "healthy" part of his liver. That sad news made this trip mean that much more.

Tomorrow we leave and go back to reality; the kids go to school, I go back to my job as a teacher, and Eric back to being a Philly police officer. And the day after that we go back to cancer, and another CT scan at Sloan-Kettering in NYC. But for 1 glorious trip, cancer did not define us, we DEFIED it!

Much Love,
Eric, Jeaneane, Mark & Logan

I Never Wanna Die

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a liar
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I'll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever

Foo Fighter's "Walk" came on the radio when Eric and I were driving back from my grandmother's birthday party a week ago. He had never heard it. I had heard for the first time right about the time he had had his last surgery in April of 2011. Then I heard it over and over when he was hospitalized. It sort of became my private tribute to him, and my personal fight song. Anyway, that night was the first time he had ever heard it.

The irony does not allude me that, although this song has been out for months, he hears it for the first time about a week after being told his cancer is back. I think it was fitting though. Especially the part where Dave Grohl screams I never want to die over and over again. That's Eric. He has told me this time around he is not sad or bitter or questioning why, he has accepted and is ready to fight. But I watched his eyes as he listened to this song. It touched him. He never wants to die, who would? And I know he won't give up, no matter how hard it gets.

What i feel is he anger and passion of the song. I will do everything in my power to keep Eric happy, healthy, and ALIVE. I want to grow old with him. Sure I am pissed right now. Parts of me are angry because I don't understand why he has to fight so damn hard. But that fight and that anger is what keeps him alive. I realize that now.

I have decided to start updating this more. It let's me vent and keeps me sane. It also helps keep people up to date I presume. I don't know how many people even check this. I still keep the carepage (click HERE if you want to sign up, you get email updates when something new is posted) for more medical updates. This blog I am going to use for more of the raw emotional part I assume. I have no idea who checks and reads it so it makes it easier I guess. I don't have to worry about my mom yelling at me for posting info and complaining, or falling apart, or just being 30.

I just want to be happy. That's all, happy. I am so tired...And I miss the man I married...

Thankful....

So far Eric has had 2 chemo treatments with minimal side effects. I have managed to play Dr. Dial pretty well and de-accessed his port successfully. He is still able to go to work most days, but E is pretty tired. CEA levels are still up and down, up this time around. However his liver functions are almost back to normal. Dec 5th we go to Sloan for treatment and meet the chief of Staff for Interventional radiology to discuss surgical options to destroy the tumor.

Today I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for family and friends, and the amazing Doctors and nurses at Sloan Kettering. I am blessed to be spending another Thanksgiving with my husband. A year ago I wasn't sure if this was going to be a reality.

Thank you all for your continued support, especially for Eric, his son Mark, and my son Logan. It means a lot.

Here's Eric and his new pal Gunney. Gunney helps calm Eric.

Once a month I get like this....

...and i hate it! I get this whole, woe is me attitude and I want to give up everything. It only lasts a few days, but I have to be so careful of the things I say. I want to say mean things. I want to say hurtful things. I want payback for all the times I was made to feel like shit. I want to participate in the "Airing of Grievances". But I can't. I have to bite my tongue and curb my feelings. I have to hide my hurt and sadness and disappointment. It's these 2 days that I think sometimes I truly realize how little I am loved and respected. How little I matter. It's just chalked up to being "crazy". Well I am told of being told I am crazy because I have feeling. I am tired of feeling like I am the one who is wrong. I know I am not. I am sorry you have no idea what love is. I am sorry you have no concept of caring for someone more then yourself. I am sorry that I am only your backup. But, no matter what...