Any time you try to stay - together
Whoa
Say a word out of line
And you find that the friends you had
Are gone forever
Forever...
I really haven't blogged much this summer. Things, minus complications and infections, were fairly good. E and I had been great. I mean a few nasty cancer stemmed fights here and there, but never did I really question our strength for quit some time. I guess I can't count on that lasting forever. There have been so many ups and downs these past 2 years. So many people in and out of ours, but particularly my life. They really don't lie when they say you see who you can really count out during the rough times. Sadly the only person that I have found I can truly rely on is myself, and now I am starting to question that.
I never said I was this amazingly perfect wife, mother, friend. I am far from it. I guess I was just able to put on my big girl panties and wade my family through the craziness of this cancer journey the past 2 years. But I am starting to fall apart. I fell myself losing grip on all that I love, and all that I fought hard to sustain. I find that I am becoming so sad, all the time. And I have no one to talk to. I guess a good chunk of blame needs to be put on me. I am too stubborn and bullheaded to get help, and I am a fierce momma bear when it comes to those I love. People have viewed me as crazy. Indeed a complete 302, because I would go to insane lengths to try and keep my family and my love in tact. I was insanely jealous of anyone E turned to instead of me. I think more then jealous, I was just so damn hurt. I mean shit, I am his wife, I am supposed to be his best friend, fuck I am the one taking care of him. But then he would share his fears and his hopes and dreams with others, and I was devastated. So I became nuts I guess. It didn't matter. In the end he didn't choose me. NEver had, never will. Everyone else always comes first. He never sees my pain. Even when I can no longer hide it, its like, "who the hell are you. Dont start your bullshit tears. You aren't the one that is sick."
I am getting increasingly agitated with the boy, and he doesn't deserve my frustrations to be even remotely taken out on him. And I feel E and I pulling further and further apart. I am scared he is becoming the guy he was before, the guy who hated me. I feel like life is full of secrets again. Whether it is him not wanting to hurt me or whatever, I still feel like I live under a veil of secrets. Its a horrible way to live. Maybe I am just becoming paranoid. If I were to closely examine the 5 Stages of Grief, I would say I keep hoovering over acceptance and depression.I mean I have accepted from the beginning. I mean shit I married a cop. I knew there was always a chance he would never come home. I'm not stupid. I know what cancer does, how cancer can kill, but I also believe in miracles, and love, and strength. I thought that if I did all that, and so did E, nothing could stop us, nothing could take our love away, not even cancer. YEar ago, before we got married. E used to say it was him and I against the world. I don't really think that anymore. I honestly don't think he wants me to be his side kick anymore in this crazy journey. And if he does, he sure as shit has lost all understanding of how to show it. BEcause quite frankly, saying I love you, isn't showing it. And the only time he wants or needs me around is when he is sick, or has an appointment, or needs me to be his caregiver. I can do that, thats fine. I can be his caregiver if that is my role. I would never stop taking care of him, or loving him...even if he no longer loves me.
I guess no one will really understand this. I don't really think anyone could unless they live through it. quite frankly i dont even know why I am blogging about it, to complete strangers, but it did finally help the tears come. I had been holding them back for awhile now. Because, hell, who am i to be crying right? I am not the one who is sick! I will never understand what my husband goes through. But then again, he will never understand, respect, or even care about what I go through. Because I dont matter. IT's all about the person with cancer, not the rest of the family who is falling apart. And this is Stage 4 cancer, this isn't some joke. Maybe it should be all about him. But then again, I thought tragedy and heartache like this was supposed to bring you closer to the ones you love, no further away. But I guess in some respects he is growing closer to everyone else, just not the person who will stand by his side in good times and bad.
Guess it's time to just buck up and say goodbye to hollywood, and goodbye to my baby...because I dont think he is mine anymore anyway....
