Thankful....

So far Eric has had 2 chemo treatments with minimal side effects. I have managed to play Dr. Dial pretty well and de-accessed his port successfully. He is still able to go to work most days, but E is pretty tired. CEA levels are still up and down, up this time around. However his liver functions are almost back to normal. Dec 5th we go to Sloan for treatment and meet the chief of Staff for Interventional radiology to discuss surgical options to destroy the tumor.

Today I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for family and friends, and the amazing Doctors and nurses at Sloan Kettering. I am blessed to be spending another Thanksgiving with my husband. A year ago I wasn't sure if this was going to be a reality.

Thank you all for your continued support, especially for Eric, his son Mark, and my son Logan. It means a lot.

Here's Eric and his new pal Gunney. Gunney helps calm Eric.

Once a month I get like this....

...and i hate it! I get this whole, woe is me attitude and I want to give up everything. It only lasts a few days, but I have to be so careful of the things I say. I want to say mean things. I want to say hurtful things. I want payback for all the times I was made to feel like shit. I want to participate in the "Airing of Grievances". But I can't. I have to bite my tongue and curb my feelings. I have to hide my hurt and sadness and disappointment. It's these 2 days that I think sometimes I truly realize how little I am loved and respected. How little I matter. It's just chalked up to being "crazy". Well I am told of being told I am crazy because I have feeling. I am tired of feeling like I am the one who is wrong. I know I am not. I am sorry you have no idea what love is. I am sorry you have no concept of caring for someone more then yourself. I am sorry that I am only your backup. But, no matter what...

For Pete's Sake, Take a Break from Cancer

Through an amazing organization called For Pete's Sake (FPS) our family is being given the opportunity for a respite. This grassroots local non-profit is pretty amazing. I highly suggest you visit the page to learn more. Basically this young woman Marci lost her husband to cancer when he was just 30 years old. After his death she dedicated her life to helping others going thru the same thing. It's truly inspirational. Anyway, I had called to ask a few follow up questions and ended up talking to this girl Amber. This was all before we found out Eric's cancer was back. I was so giddy and happy that Amber asked me to write about my experiences. We ended up being the feature family for the month of November. I was really touched. I started to write Amber then got sidetracked. I finally finished that letter today and wanted to share it. I am very touched by this organization, and hope that you support them in any way. They really make such a difference in the lives of others.

Amber,
When I spoken with you a few weeks ago, after chewing your ear off forever, you had asked me to write down my experiences and email them to you. I sat down to begin writing this, and then got sidetracked with the million things going on with life. But I knew I would get back to it. FPS has blessed us with the opportunity to go on a respite, and the least I could do was share my personal joy with this experience, and how touched I was by the kindness of others. I was feeling such happiness and joy as I talked to you. And I couldn't wait to share my experiences. And then my world was altered, and I was left in a state of disillusion.

On Monday November 7th we were told my husband's cancer was back. After all the surgeries, and treatment, and almost losing him to infection over the summer, he was feeling great and technically 6 months "cancer free". After telling us those horrible words, the next thing they said, was "You will still be able to go on your respite. We will schedule treatments around it." And with a few words, this respite became so much more then just a break after months and months of fighting, it became a break in his next battle we now face. And you cannot even imagine how much more this opportunity means to us then before (Not that it wasn't already AMAZING). In some ways I am still in a state of shock. I knew there was a chance this could come back, I kept watching the lab reports and the CEA levels slowly rising, but I just hoped and prayed he wouldn't have to go through this again. But here we are, ready to fight. A little battered, somewhat broken, very tired, but not yet ready to give up.

I had mentioned to you on the phone that a little while after we had started the nomination process, I actually read Marci's story. I can't really tell you why I hadn't before, but I just hadn't. I researched and read every other page of the site, but her story was the one thing I just couldn't yet read. Eventually I got a box of tissues ready, went in my classroom all alone, and read it. I am glad I was alone and had the tissues ready. I felt like I was reading my own story. I was newly married to the love of my life. I was just turning 30 years old. I was trying to move upward in my career in the field of education. I had become a cancer spouse. And Cancer has invaded and threatened all that I loved so much, and worked so hard for. My husband, my big strong 35 year old Philly cop, was fighting the toughest criminal he ever had encountered. A horrible thing that wanted to kill him, colon cancer. Colon cancer that had been traveling and growing inside his body for years, with no indication it was there. Colon cancer that was Stage 4 when they finally found it. I just recently found out that when I wasn't in the room with him a doc had told him he had about 8 months to live. Who were they to put a time stamp on life? I didn't realize my husband had an expiration date.

But he fought so hard. From Oct 2010, they day of diagnosis to this next round in the ring. But all the time, Eric has just wanted to be "normal" he is sick of being the guy with cancer. He is tired of us being the cancer family. We just want to finally have happy memories. And that is what you are giving us the chance to make. you are enabling us to take a break from cancer, and be a family. Your enabling us to have an opportunity for our sons to have memories that don't involve hospital rooms and oxygen, and sickness that chemo causes. you are helping us to live.

Thank you so much for all that you do. Thank you for making this hell just a little bit easier. Thank you for helping me, feel like a mother and wife, and not a caregiver. And thank you to Marci, for taking the worst experience of her life, and turning it into such a beautiful thing for others. Through her strength and dedication, Pete lives on.


Sincerely yours,

Jeaneane

WTF??!!

That's basically the only words I have right now. Since the proper family members have been informed, I now felt it was ok to tell everyone else that Eric's cancer is back. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. He celebrated this milestone by getting a tattoo (if you know Eric you would understand why). He explains the symbolism of the tat as, "The worst day of my life, and the people who saved me."

Well now, a month later, and 7 months cancer free, they found tumor growth in his liver. Again I say, WTF?! This guy can't catch a break. He finally felt like his life was beginning to become normal again, and he gets rocked with this. But I am so proud of how well he is handling it, and how he continues to fight on. But I still think he and I are both warranted a little "WTF".

So the fight continues. It feels like deja vu in a way. The beginning of the school year, new school, new job, new friends in our lives. And then cancer comes and invades our world.

There are only a few requests I have right now, and they are sincere. 1.) Please continue to pray for Eric's health and strength. (And if you wouldn't mind a few extra prayers for the rest of his family that would be great too).

2.) We need our friends and family, and we need our lives to have the least amount of drama as possible. That means, I need to make amends. I am asking for forgiveness from some, and it would make Eric and mine, and our children's lives much easier if we can forgive and move on. Anger is a poison that does NOTHING to help fight.

3.) I need help. I can't do this alone again. Pride aside, I will take people up on offers to help. If your off on a Monday, and can take Eric to NY for an appointment, I need you. If you have kids that Logan could play with and wouldn't mind another kid hanging out, I need you. There are so many other things I could put, but the bottom line is that I need my family and friends to fight help Eric in his fight. Last year, mostly by choice, I did it all by myself. I nearly cracked. i wouldn't let anyone help me, it was a huge mistake. This year I will not do it. If you can help, let me know.



Eric is continuing to go to work. He even went in to teach the recruits with his fanny pack on. In that fanny pack was the chemo pumping into his port to keep him alive. Sure he felt like shit. Hell the day before he was told his cancer was back. But he went because he wanted to. Because he wants to still be Eric.

I am going to try to continue to work as much as possible. I want to save the time in case I really need it. Eric will be having upcoming surgery soon (or so it seems) to remove the tumor growth. I would need to take off for that, so any appointments, I am trying to see if people wouldn't mind taking him up to NYC. (I will provide the car/gas/tolls I just need peoples time). These appointments are Mondays. Eric says he can take himself if I can't go, but I would rather someone go with him, in case he has a negative reaction from the chemo.

Well I will summarize what's going on medically:
09/16/11- 6 months cancer free
10/4/11- 1 year anniversary of Stage IV diagnosis
10/31/11- 7 month CT Scan
11/7/11- Results of Scan
11/7/11- Hear the dreaded words, "We found cancer." CEA LEVEL: 7.1
11/7/11- Treatment begins at 6:30pm. Eric is given a different type of chemo, 5FU.


A little about 5FU: It's the oldest chemo there is for fighting colon cancer. Not that its any less effective. It runs for a period of 48 hours, hence the fanny pack. It's used to treats lots of other cancers too. It's a good drug, and has many less side effects then the drug combo Eric was on before. Eric was previously taking "the big guns". They dont want to use that combo again unless they need to. That was a 3 chemo cocktail of FUDR, oxaliplatin, and irinotican. A nasty strong combo. But the doc's feel they can give his the 5FU and shrink the tumor growth. If more tumors were to be found in different areas, then the big guns would come out.

Starting Chemo Again....
Rocking his killer fanny pack...

Thank you...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I guess it comes with the territory sometimes. I wrote this email to a mentor I had when I was a teenager. This man singlehandedly made me fall in love with music. While I could sing before, he turned me into a vocalist. I have so many amazing memories of this man, Mr. Tim Harrell.

Today I decided to write him an email. We haven't truly spoken, or had a close friendship in nearly 10 years. I think I briefly saw him about 7 years ago, right before I met Eric when I tried to attend services again at Trinity Solebury. I just couldn't make it work, the church was too far away. When I sang with Tim I felt so amazing...I like to remember those times.

Anyway, just like my letter to Tim, I want to reach out to so many of the people that have influenced my life these last...hmmm...30 years. In one way or another, you have all touched my heart and made me a better person.

THANK YOU!

Below I will share some parts of the email I sent to Tim and his response...It's nothing grand, but his response back really touched me.

Hello Tim:
Well some downtime in work, and a little soul searching led me to the Trinity page, and of course, you. I hope this email finds you in good health and spirits. I often see on ******** ******** facebook page tidbits about the goings on at Trinity. I imagine you are incredibly busy this lenten season.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well thinking, reminiscing, fondly remembering the blissful times when life was easy, and all it look was a beautiful Anthem to put a smile on my face.

As I am sure you have heard from ******, as she asked me if it was ok, life has thrown me yet another curveball. Sadly this experience really had me questioning my faith and understanding of God's graces. While I was able to quickly realize that it is God's will, it has still left me broken. I find myself once again a sheep lost from its flock. I am so disgusted (at times), yet know that it is my strong belief in our Lord that is helping me to get through this most difficult time.

I guess I am rambling on about nothing really. I haven't talked to you in ages, and for that I am sad. Basically I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for playing such an important role for 6 years of my life. I think of you often, especially now that I no longer sing. Please know that you made such an incredible impact in my life. During my darkest hours I now think of the happiest times in my life. Many of those memories have you playing a big part.

Fondly,
Jeaneane


Hi Jeaneane,

What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Isn't is ironic that you and
Jenn have connected through facebook. Yes, she shared with me what is
going on in your life and I'm so sad to hear how things are going.

Yes, things are busy during the Lenten season as you well know. Your
words are so kind about me and they brought tears as well. Yes, we all
look for those blissful times and as we look back on our lives we
realize how many things were easier in the past but don't forget that
when we were living those times, it didn't seem easy. I do think the
older we get the more challenges we meet.

We all struggle at times with our faith but I
want to challenge you or at least disagree with one thing you've said
and I hope you will take it with the love that it is given. I don't
believe it is God's will for people to suffer. If I believed otherwise,
I couldn't do any of this. I truly believe God suffers right along with
us during the down times just as God rejoices with us during the good
times. That expression "that it is God's will" brings back all those
loooooonnnnnngggggg (long) prayers at AJIC
rehearsals. (Now that should bring a laugh or at least a chuckle)

I wish you were closer not only to be singing here again but I think you
would find the adult study we've been doing since the fall a real eye
opener and a source of some comfort and understanding about God and our
faith. It has been amazing to watch the DVD and then hear the
reflections by parishioners who come from different backgrounds in their
faith journey. It isn't pious but quite progressive in it's content.

I got your email just moments after you wrote and dialed the number at
the end of it but they weren't able to locate you and were going to page
you. I told them it wasn't that important and I would try another time.
I just didn't want to put it off.

I will share this with Emory and we will both put you in our prayers.
Come see us sometime. You are ALWAYS WELCOME here.

Love,
Tim

Numbers...

I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .

life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!

Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.


Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike



Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs


Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers


I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....


But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Some good and some meh

Good: 21st will be eric's last chemo for 7 weeks. Kemeny wants to stop 3 weeks before surgery, and he won't have chemo for 4 weeks after.

Good: she also said he won't have much chemo after surgery. It would just be a precaution. Maybe 2 rounds in may-june.

Good: she was smiling and happy with how well Eric is doing. If you know Kemmeny, you know this is a big deal.


Meh: eric's bloodwork wasn't ideal today, so he isn't getting chemo. He has to get bloodwork done next monday in Philly to make sure he's good for the 21st. She's not too concerned because she thinks bloodlevels are whacked beccause of PVE last monday.

MEh: the 21st in now going to be a NY day, and its during PSSA's. That is going to go over real well at worlk. About as well as a fart in church.

Meh: I have never seen Eric so tired before in my life. It really sucks.