They love to use google. They are getting smarter. I think they google me and E and found this blog. So this message is to them:
-My husband has stage 4 cancer....so whatever money you are trying collect (if i in fact even have a debt to you) I am spending it on keeping my husband alive
-my mortgage is the 2nd most imp thing besides his medical needs/bills
-I haven't lived with my parents in nearly 8 years, stop calling them because that will make me not call people back.
-Dont try to bully. No one likes a bully. I am fighting for my husbands life, so I dont mind fighting with some asshole across the country on the phone. Hanging up is pretty easy, and i have all unknown numbers go to VM, soooooo You really aren't "bothering me"
-When things get better, I will fix my situation. Until then, the only thing I care about it my family, and keeping my husband alive.
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it."-Toni Morrison
I feel like I am all alone. I know I am not. I know there must be other people out there going thru the same crap I am. But God do I feel alone, almost always.
I spent more time then needed talking to a woman at Gilda's Club yesterday afternoon then I really should have. I was looking for a support program for Logan. She was asking me about Lo and I started giving her background info. Then I started talking about myself, and how there is nothing out there, how I feel so lost and alone. She didn't really say anything on the other end, and I was grateful for that. She just let me vent. I needed that. When I got off the phone, i cried. Thank God I was alone in my empty classroom.
Things are really starting to hit me now. I am losing strength, losing momentum. The first year I ran on autopilot. I was in fight mode. There was never a dull moment. Not only was I fighting for and with E, but I was also trying to cope with him hating me.
It has taken a long time to finally admit this to anyone. I haven't really told a real person, but here I am writing it on the internet. My husband hated me. All the websites I consulted told me this was normal. That cancer patients often take it out on those they love the most. Its almost like a natural instinct to push away those that love you, so, in the patients mind, you won't be hurt if something tragic happens. I called bullshit on that often. I mean really, I have heard tragic diagnosis bringing people closer, but rarely pushing them apart. But how the hell would I really know, because I couldn't find anyone else like me out there, a 30 year old cancer spouse and caregiver.
There are lots of books and support groups, and online resources for parents of children with cancer. There are lots of things for breast cancer spouses, and people whose older parents have cancer. But nothing for people like me. Hell even E's cancer isn't common in young adults, although it is becoming increasingly so. It seems the only people close to my age are husbands whose wives are battling breast cancer. And they are lucky because they are given so many support. I am not bitter, I just wish there was something for me.
When we sit in the waiting room at the oncologists office, we look so out of place. I talk to my old lady friends who are fighting colon cancer, and their spouses. But shit its not the same. They have been blessed with the gift of time. I have been married for 40 months. E has been fighting cancer for 16 months. That's 40% of the time I have spent married. 40 effin percent!
Since I am all alone in this, I have turned to writing. Some of the stuff I wrote never made it to the blog. It was just too personal. Those months when E hated me were really really hard. I am thankful that it really was the treatment, as I had suspected, and not a true hatred for me. He finally realized just what he was doing and saying. Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. But then again I don't think any marriage is perfect. If its perfect, then in fact its fucked up. Because someone in that relationship is hiding their feelings, or they are putting on a show for everyone else. I have seen plenty of that, especially being a cop's wife. FAKE ASS FUCKED UP PEOPLE/MARRIAGES.
I am thinking about writing a memoir. More for myself then anyone else. It would be to help people who feel completely alone. It would be raw, it would be from the heart, it will show my hurt and my sorrow, and my happiness. It will show what it is really like to be a raging bitch inside, but have to play nice. It will show what it is like to fight tooth and nail for the love of your life. It will show what it is like to have your heart break into a million pieces. It will show what it is like to be all alone. It will contain foul language, and lots of ellipses...because I like them. it might even lack the proper use of capital letters because i am kind of a lazy typist. yea...this might just be a decent idea.
I spent more time then needed talking to a woman at Gilda's Club yesterday afternoon then I really should have. I was looking for a support program for Logan. She was asking me about Lo and I started giving her background info. Then I started talking about myself, and how there is nothing out there, how I feel so lost and alone. She didn't really say anything on the other end, and I was grateful for that. She just let me vent. I needed that. When I got off the phone, i cried. Thank God I was alone in my empty classroom.
Things are really starting to hit me now. I am losing strength, losing momentum. The first year I ran on autopilot. I was in fight mode. There was never a dull moment. Not only was I fighting for and with E, but I was also trying to cope with him hating me.
It has taken a long time to finally admit this to anyone. I haven't really told a real person, but here I am writing it on the internet. My husband hated me. All the websites I consulted told me this was normal. That cancer patients often take it out on those they love the most. Its almost like a natural instinct to push away those that love you, so, in the patients mind, you won't be hurt if something tragic happens. I called bullshit on that often. I mean really, I have heard tragic diagnosis bringing people closer, but rarely pushing them apart. But how the hell would I really know, because I couldn't find anyone else like me out there, a 30 year old cancer spouse and caregiver.
There are lots of books and support groups, and online resources for parents of children with cancer. There are lots of things for breast cancer spouses, and people whose older parents have cancer. But nothing for people like me. Hell even E's cancer isn't common in young adults, although it is becoming increasingly so. It seems the only people close to my age are husbands whose wives are battling breast cancer. And they are lucky because they are given so many support. I am not bitter, I just wish there was something for me.
When we sit in the waiting room at the oncologists office, we look so out of place. I talk to my old lady friends who are fighting colon cancer, and their spouses. But shit its not the same. They have been blessed with the gift of time. I have been married for 40 months. E has been fighting cancer for 16 months. That's 40% of the time I have spent married. 40 effin percent!
Since I am all alone in this, I have turned to writing. Some of the stuff I wrote never made it to the blog. It was just too personal. Those months when E hated me were really really hard. I am thankful that it really was the treatment, as I had suspected, and not a true hatred for me. He finally realized just what he was doing and saying. Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. But then again I don't think any marriage is perfect. If its perfect, then in fact its fucked up. Because someone in that relationship is hiding their feelings, or they are putting on a show for everyone else. I have seen plenty of that, especially being a cop's wife. FAKE ASS FUCKED UP PEOPLE/MARRIAGES.
I am thinking about writing a memoir. More for myself then anyone else. It would be to help people who feel completely alone. It would be raw, it would be from the heart, it will show my hurt and my sorrow, and my happiness. It will show what it is really like to be a raging bitch inside, but have to play nice. It will show what it is like to fight tooth and nail for the love of your life. It will show what it is like to have your heart break into a million pieces. It will show what it is like to be all alone. It will contain foul language, and lots of ellipses...because I like them. it might even lack the proper use of capital letters because i am kind of a lazy typist. yea...this might just be a decent idea.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Once a month I get like this....
...and i hate it! I get this whole, woe is me attitude and I want to give up everything. It only lasts a few days, but I have to be so careful of the things I say. I want to say mean things. I want to say hurtful things. I want payback for all the times I was made to feel like shit. I want to participate in the "Airing of Grievances". But I can't. I have to bite my tongue and curb my feelings. I have to hide my hurt and sadness and disappointment. It's these 2 days that I think sometimes I truly realize how little I am loved and respected. How little I matter. It's just chalked up to being "crazy". Well I am told of being told I am crazy because I have feeling. I am tired of feeling like I am the one who is wrong. I know I am not. I am sorry you have no idea what love is. I am sorry you have no concept of caring for someone more then yourself. I am sorry that I am only your backup. But, no matter what...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
You're not alone. Together we stand I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
I times I feel like I need to purge. Right now is a purge time. I guess I should explain this a little further. This has been nagging me now for quite some time...it needs to come out. This post is not really going to be about Eric, it's going to be about me. Many of you might find my musings today to be selfish, but it is hard to be the one who sits in the shadows and bites tongues. I will now longer do it. I turn 30 in less then 2 months....time to purge.
When this nightmare first hit us, the reaction from friends and family was mixed. Family, for the most part, rallied around us and supported the decisions we made. Some friends really went out of their way to help comfort and support us. Hell even people who were mere acquaintances rallied around us and showed support. And there were...The Others.
The Others are the people who I thought were friends. The Others are the ones who claimed they, "Didn't know what to say" or "Didn't know how to react". The Others are the ones who abandoned us. Eric didn't feel it as much as I did, but there were certain individuals who I no longer have respect for, who couldn't even take the time to shoot him a text or call on the phone. However, The Others were mainly my friends, and a few mutual friends we had together. People who I now realize, probably were never our true friends at all. Why do I say this you may ask? Because I do not think true friends would completely abandon you without ANY explanation.
Ok, ok, I realize that my husband and I aren't the only people in the world, and that EVERYONE has their own problems, but the reason why The Others really stand out, is because of what people, who I may not have even known this time last year, have done to support us. Support doesn't mean they have neglected their families or dropped everything for us. Support is a simple "hi" via text or FB, or a phone call if they have the time. Support is the person who understands that we can't always drop everything for a beer or answer the phone or a text, but offer anyway just in case we might be able to , and accept without question, when we cannot.
The Others has disappointed to an extent that I cannot even describe. Sure every person/family has problems. We can all die at any moment, but living with death and uncertainty looming over your head really fucking sucks. And that is MY life right now. This is what MY husband, and MY kids are reminded of every day until Eric is cancer free. I have come to the conclusion that The Others, are fucking selfish individuals who can't look past their own life and see how their "friends" are doing. I guess because I was always the person who checked in and asked how people were doing, I assumed people would do it for me. Guess I was wrong. Even I, who am up to my eyes in the bullshit of life, still manage to check in with people I thought were my friends when I can, even if its just a simple "like" on facebook. At least they know I am thinking about them, and maybe it will not make them feel as horribly lonely as I do right now.
Yea that's right, I finally admit it I feel horrible, defeated, betrayed, disappointed, tired, and LONELY. I also feel a whole bunch of emotions only cancer warriors and their families may understand, as well as anyone who has fought death themselves, or in their families. I am disgusted with people I had considered friends. And if you are shocked when you are reading this, you shouldn't be. When was the last time you texted/called/messaged even sent me a freaking chain email?? I'm going to guess not anytime recently. And some of you were individuals I would have done anything for. Ones I shared laughter and tears with, ones I confided in and trusted. The sad part was, if something was wrong with you I STILL would try to check in and make sure your ok.
So now that explains the purging. I going to spend this next month and a half dedicated to my family, and for those who actually give a shit about me. And I am going to celebrate turning 30 with people who matter. Because I want someone like Avril to be by my side...
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
I times I feel like I need to purge. Right now is a purge time. I guess I should explain this a little further. This has been nagging me now for quite some time...it needs to come out. This post is not really going to be about Eric, it's going to be about me. Many of you might find my musings today to be selfish, but it is hard to be the one who sits in the shadows and bites tongues. I will now longer do it. I turn 30 in less then 2 months....time to purge.
When this nightmare first hit us, the reaction from friends and family was mixed. Family, for the most part, rallied around us and supported the decisions we made. Some friends really went out of their way to help comfort and support us. Hell even people who were mere acquaintances rallied around us and showed support. And there were...The Others.
The Others are the people who I thought were friends. The Others are the ones who claimed they, "Didn't know what to say" or "Didn't know how to react". The Others are the ones who abandoned us. Eric didn't feel it as much as I did, but there were certain individuals who I no longer have respect for, who couldn't even take the time to shoot him a text or call on the phone. However, The Others were mainly my friends, and a few mutual friends we had together. People who I now realize, probably were never our true friends at all. Why do I say this you may ask? Because I do not think true friends would completely abandon you without ANY explanation.
Ok, ok, I realize that my husband and I aren't the only people in the world, and that EVERYONE has their own problems, but the reason why The Others really stand out, is because of what people, who I may not have even known this time last year, have done to support us. Support doesn't mean they have neglected their families or dropped everything for us. Support is a simple "hi" via text or FB, or a phone call if they have the time. Support is the person who understands that we can't always drop everything for a beer or answer the phone or a text, but offer anyway just in case we might be able to , and accept without question, when we cannot.
The Others has disappointed to an extent that I cannot even describe. Sure every person/family has problems. We can all die at any moment, but living with death and uncertainty looming over your head really fucking sucks. And that is MY life right now. This is what MY husband, and MY kids are reminded of every day until Eric is cancer free. I have come to the conclusion that The Others, are fucking selfish individuals who can't look past their own life and see how their "friends" are doing. I guess because I was always the person who checked in and asked how people were doing, I assumed people would do it for me. Guess I was wrong. Even I, who am up to my eyes in the bullshit of life, still manage to check in with people I thought were my friends when I can, even if its just a simple "like" on facebook. At least they know I am thinking about them, and maybe it will not make them feel as horribly lonely as I do right now.
Yea that's right, I finally admit it I feel horrible, defeated, betrayed, disappointed, tired, and LONELY. I also feel a whole bunch of emotions only cancer warriors and their families may understand, as well as anyone who has fought death themselves, or in their families. I am disgusted with people I had considered friends. And if you are shocked when you are reading this, you shouldn't be. When was the last time you texted/called/messaged even sent me a freaking chain email?? I'm going to guess not anytime recently. And some of you were individuals I would have done anything for. Ones I shared laughter and tears with, ones I confided in and trusted. The sad part was, if something was wrong with you I STILL would try to check in and make sure your ok.
So now that explains the purging. I going to spend this next month and a half dedicated to my family, and for those who actually give a shit about me. And I am going to celebrate turning 30 with people who matter. Because I want someone like Avril to be by my side... Monday, November 22, 2010
I just wanna scream and lose control, Throw my hands up and let it go...
Forget about everything and runaway, yeah
Oh Avril...God I feel your song today.
I had no desire to post negative things on this blog. I am determined to rid my life of negativity, but I just want to scream! I can't keep it in anymore.
Family. They can be awesome or they can suck. I have seen such kindness and generosity from members of our family. Loved ones doing everything they can to help and support us. People knowing boundaries, and knowing when to just wait along the sidelines and be there when we need them...
And then there is the opposite....family who doesn't leave well enough alone. They just don't get the hint. They are mean and hurtful and selfish. And they do not respect Eric's wishes...not my wishes, ERIC'S!!!!
Then it ends up getting dirty. If you are reading this and thinking, "Is this me?" then yea it is you. I can no longer continue to entertain insanity. I am not selfish, I am not keeping people away from Eric, I am carrying out his requests. He doesn't want negativity or drama in his life right now. He needs positive thinking and attitudes, not fighting, drama, and negativity.
Oh Avril...God I feel your song today.
I had no desire to post negative things on this blog. I am determined to rid my life of negativity, but I just want to scream! I can't keep it in anymore.
Family. They can be awesome or they can suck. I have seen such kindness and generosity from members of our family. Loved ones doing everything they can to help and support us. People knowing boundaries, and knowing when to just wait along the sidelines and be there when we need them...
And then there is the opposite....family who doesn't leave well enough alone. They just don't get the hint. They are mean and hurtful and selfish. And they do not respect Eric's wishes...not my wishes, ERIC'S!!!!
Then it ends up getting dirty. If you are reading this and thinking, "Is this me?" then yea it is you. I can no longer continue to entertain insanity. I am not selfish, I am not keeping people away from Eric, I am carrying out his requests. He doesn't want negativity or drama in his life right now. He needs positive thinking and attitudes, not fighting, drama, and negativity.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"In good times, and bad times, I'll be on your side forever more...That's what friends are for..."
Dionne Warwick is an effing liar.
Ok well maybe I shouldn't take my anger out on Dionne. And maybe I shouldn't generalize, because I do have some pretty amazing friends, both old and new, who have really been there for me. HOWEVER, I have also experienced this bullshit of people who you thought were your closest friends completely desert you. It is horrible. It is probably one of the most heartbreaking experiences to ever go through in life. I never thought that people I considered close friends, just a short time ago, would leave me hanging when I need them most.
Ok maybe I am being selfish. I mean the world does not revolve around me and my problems, but you would think I would at least get a phone call or text. And the crazy part is, its not just one person, its basically everyone I've considered a "close" friend over the last few years. I keep being told, "well they are young, and probably scared, and don't know what to say..." And you don't thin kI am freaking scared?? I am 29 years old. I have been married for 2 years, I AM NOT supposed to be helping my 34 year old husband fight cancer. We are supposed to be buying shit e don't need and accumulating debt, drinking at bars with "friends", going down the shore, riding on the motorcycle, and planning a family. We aren't supposed to be reviewing DNR forms and assigning medical proxies. And you are telling me a "friend" has the right to be "too scared" to reach out?? This feels even worse then when Kelly broke up with Zac to date Jeff the college guy.
But luckily, through the grace of God, I have be fortunate enough to meet new friends, and friend's and co-workers of Eric's who have been an amazing support through this nightmare. I thank God every day that I have met such wonderful people. At least I have some people I can count on, along with the people who have stood by my side before and after the Big C diagnosis. And if your reading this someday, thank you. Thank you for being their and supporting me, my husband, and our children. There is a special place in heaven for all of you.
Ok well maybe I shouldn't take my anger out on Dionne. And maybe I shouldn't generalize, because I do have some pretty amazing friends, both old and new, who have really been there for me. HOWEVER, I have also experienced this bullshit of people who you thought were your closest friends completely desert you. It is horrible. It is probably one of the most heartbreaking experiences to ever go through in life. I never thought that people I considered close friends, just a short time ago, would leave me hanging when I need them most.
Ok maybe I am being selfish. I mean the world does not revolve around me and my problems, but you would think I would at least get a phone call or text. And the crazy part is, its not just one person, its basically everyone I've considered a "close" friend over the last few years. I keep being told, "well they are young, and probably scared, and don't know what to say..." And you don't thin kI am freaking scared?? I am 29 years old. I have been married for 2 years, I AM NOT supposed to be helping my 34 year old husband fight cancer. We are supposed to be buying shit e don't need and accumulating debt, drinking at bars with "friends", going down the shore, riding on the motorcycle, and planning a family. We aren't supposed to be reviewing DNR forms and assigning medical proxies. And you are telling me a "friend" has the right to be "too scared" to reach out?? This feels even worse then when Kelly broke up with Zac to date Jeff the college guy.
But luckily, through the grace of God, I have be fortunate enough to meet new friends, and friend's and co-workers of Eric's who have been an amazing support through this nightmare. I thank God every day that I have met such wonderful people. At least I have some people I can count on, along with the people who have stood by my side before and after the Big C diagnosis. And if your reading this someday, thank you. Thank you for being their and supporting me, my husband, and our children. There is a special place in heaven for all of you.
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