A personal glimpse into the life of a cancer patient.

Ok so may it is not quite a glimpse, but today I feel the closest I probably ever will to feeling 1/3 of what Eric feels like on a daily basis. I have been stricken with the dreaded stomach virus that is making its rounds with all my friends and family. Logan had it for a day, only puked 4 times and felt better by 4pm the same day. Just to be on the safe side I had quarantined him at my parents house so Eric wouldn't get sick. That was a few weeks ago. But alas, it seems that I finally got hit with this monster. I looked like this poor little girl all day today. Not nearly as cute, and basically laying on the bathroom room floor. I feel even worse now, but moved to the couch and just run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. This sucks. And I only see it getting worse as the day progresses.

Now I know how Eric feels. He probably feels even worse then this. For almost 2 weeks he feels like shit. Feels nausea and stomach pains that leave him miserable and so worn out. When asked how his day is, he usually responds "tastes like shit". Now I know what that means.

Previously, the best way I could have described the chemo effects is a long lasting hangover. You know the ones were all you want to do is stick your finger down your throat to make it go away?? Yea those kind. But now after less then 24 hours of being tormented with the stomach bug, I can empathize at a totally new level. Now I understand why he doesn't want to go out and just wants to go to sleep. I feel it too right now, and I knew mine will pass in a few days, where Eric has until June to fell like shit, with every treatment feeling worse.

Needless to say I am staying away from Eric. I am staying away from everyone. If what my friends have told me is true, this horrible thing lasts several days to clear from your system. UGH!!!!!! I CANT BE SICK!! I need to take care of my family. GRRRRRR!!!!

Eric's mother Kathy, and her friends and family, are holding a benefit this weekend for Eric. The Beef & Beer for Officer Eric Dial~Our Cancer Warrior is being held this Saturday at Turner's in Roxborough from 7-11. There will be excellent food, baskets, and dancing with music being provided by PJ the DJ. It is really kind of them to do this for Eric. A lot of hard work was put into the event, and we thank everyone who attends.

Eric will be heading up to NY this weekend to prepare for Monday's Portal Vein Embolization. To prepare for this he has gone into an isolation. No going out, no crowds, pretty much staying in the house. It's a tough thing to do when you are used to being active, but the doctor ordered it. According to the oncologist, "If you want to continue to be my patient, then you will follow my rules." I guess it hasn't been so hard this week because he is so sick from chemo, but now, as he prepares for this major procedure Monday, and his upcoming liver resection, he needs to follow her rules.

Monday's procedure is an interesting one. The are basically going to shutdown the right side of the liver by cutting blood flow in the artery. If you guys remember from previous posts, the right side of his liver still has all the tumors. With the first part of his liver resection in November, Dr. D'Angelica was able to remove all the cancer from the left side. Anyway, when the cut off blood flow this will cause the right side to start to shrink, essentially "killing off" some of the tumors in the process. While this is happening, the left side of the liver will be forced to regenerate (grow back) at a faster rate. This will give Eric the largest liver section possible when liver resection surgery occurs. Hopefully the resection will be in 6-8 weeks, maybe around Easter time. When we met with Dr. Lee on Monday for chemo he was ecstatic over the latest CT results. He has been so supportive of us, and carries out Dr. Kemeny's medical plan perfectly. It's also nice because we get a little more one on one attention from Dr. Lee because he has the time Dr. Kemeny does not have.

So all in all, we are still fighting the good fight. We keep our faith and sense of humor. Eric keeps pushing the bar because he knows he will beat this. Only a few more months and all of this will just be another obstacle that we overcame. Here's to laughter, love, faith, and courage!

A young Cancer WArrior...

Received an email from my Great Aunt Bernadine about a distant cousin who is battling Cancer. He is only 5. Please keep him in your prayers. His name is Brendan, and I think he is a superhero.


You can read his story here: Brendan Fick's Page

How do you Spell relief: S-H-R-I-N-K-A-G-E!

Well we received some fabulous news on Monday at Sloan, Eric's chemo treatments are working!!! The smaller tumors seem to have all but disappeared, and the larger ones have shrunk to almost 1/2 of the original size. Praise be to God!

Dr. Kemeny was very pleased with these results, and decided to consult with Dr. D'Angelica the liver surgeon. As of Monday he wanted Eric to continue with treatments, but Eric received a call Thursday that D'Angelica wants to start testing and prepping him for the next surgery. This is HUGE!!!!

We met with Dr. Karen Brown to discuss the next procedure Eric will receive to prep for part 2 of his liver resection. In the next few weeks Eric will be getting a Portal Vein Embolization. Basically the will be cutting off blood flow to the entire right lobe of the liver. This is where the remaining tumors are located. This will force the left healthy lobe, to regenerate at a faster rate to prepare for surgery. After this is done, we could be looking at liver resection in about 6-8 weeks....around Easter. God truly is blessing us with this news.

Eric is tolerating treatments well, but with every new treatment his symptoms get worse. His minor setback 2 weeks ago, has resulted in Eric having to have limited contact with people. He has to be super vigilant, as his immune system is SHOT! Especially if he might be having surgery in the near future.

Keep those prayers coming! Thank you all so very much!
~J

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

An old high school friend sent me a message. I had been seeing some of her statuses on facebook and it seemed she had been pretty down lately and had a lot of bullshit thrown her way. I was really surprised when she sent me a message. It had a lot of weight to it, and between the lines I could almost feel the pain she must be going through.
No matter the cause of someones pain or frustration or hurt, bottom line is that it still sucks. If you are hurting you are hurting, and the density of what is causing that hurt really doesn't matter. I hope she is not mad, but I decided to post her message and my response. I am editing it a bit, both for her privacy, and reasons she will understand, but the message is still the same.

What I want everyone to get out of this is that hurting blows! And hopefully people will realize that plenty of people are in pain, its yet another reason to be nice to people, and smile. Because sometimes that smile can really make someone's day.


^^That's me in High School. Senior Portrait....seems like a million years ago! ^^
Figured I would put a high school pic up since Shirley Temple is a high school friend.

The message from Shirley Temple

So i didnt want to post this on your wall in case you didnt want to do it or if it was too personal but I would love to hear about how you are able to not focus on the bad or the people who for whatever reason or another are not the people you thought they were and how you are able to not dwell on it.

You wouldnt be human if it didnt get to you once in a blue moon but it sounds like you do such an amazing job not only not letting those people get to you but how you also protect eric from it and your kids.

I know you have always been a spritual person...does your faith play a role? For some reason lately I have been thinking about god and faith and feeling almost jealous of people who have a strong faith.

Ok now I am just rambling and I really dont mean to unload on you...

ok now I sorta forget the reason for this message...lol


TTYL

My response:

Wow hun. I am guessing from this message you are really going through a rough patch!

This experience has been a crazy one. It has taught me how to love more, not take stuff for granted, fight harder (if you can imagine that lol), and realize what truly matters.

I wish I could say I do not dwell on things, but I do. A lot of times it eats me up inside. Especially when it comes to people who are hurting us.

Bottom line is that I was abandoned by my friends, and some people trying to ruin us. Individuals are crazy upset, convinced I am an evil bitch, and are already picking out Eric's grave. Throughout this I have encountered some of the most negative people I know, who are loving (how fucked up does that sound?) the attention.

To protect them I take the brunt of everything. I keep the horrible things from Eric and the kids and I sacrifice my own wellbeing to do so. Sadly there are many nights I stiffle my crying in a hot shower, or bawl my eyes out in my car when no one is around. But I keep telling myself that I must be the one to handle it, because everyone else is too vulnerable.

It is really really hard. And one of the worst parts is the complete devastation that occurs when you realize people who you cared about are not who you thought they were. It is absolutely horrible. Maybe some of the worst pain and loneliness I have ever felt. But I try not to show it. I try to stay strong for Eric and the kids.

My way of venting is via my blog. Sometimes I rant and ramble and it makes no sense, but other times I am able to put into words just how I feel. It is soothing. I am not really that strong, I just am so in love and scared to death of losing my husband. I will fight with all that I have not to. I have always been a good fighter. And I have realized that the best in my comes out when things are at their worst and people need me.

Faith is helping me through this as well. Putting my faith in something higher and realizing that there is a purpose for all this. Whether it be to humble us, or make our faith stronger, it is there. I keep telling myself a few simple things:
1.) Whether I am able to have 2 years or 60 years married to my soulmate, I am grateful for it. No one will ever fill my heart or make me whole like he does
2.) Maybe I needed to grow up. Maybe this was God's way of saying I had steered off my path a little and I needed to be grounded
3.) If anything,Eric's cancer has made us aware that his son needs to be tested and monitored. Eric's cancer probably started when he was about 25. Mark is 15. He had his first colonoscopy. He will be spared and not have to go through this.

I guess I am rambling on a little too. I hope I answered your questions, but I fear I may have confused you more. By the way, never think that your problems aren't bad, or any less stressful then people dealing with "serious" issues. If a problem affects your life and makes you sad, then it is just as bad as anything I, or people like me, are dealing with. It doesn't matter the cause, if you are hurting you are hurting.

i leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

For those out there struggling, this is for you.

"We're half way there... Livin' on a prayer"

Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer


Last week we hit a small bump in the road.We had asked for prayers to get us through it, and your prayers worked. Thank you so much! Still not 100%, so if you could keep those prayers coming that would be fantastic.

We could definitely feel the power of healing come from your prayers. Eric is recovering, and anxiously awaiting his CT scan next monday. The scan will determine how well he is responding to chemo, and if the tumors are shrinking. If the tumors are shrinking, then surgical consult will probably be made. They can then begin to plan his 2nd liver surgery.

We were excited to learn about something called "partial remission". It is when the tumors have shrunk 1/2 in size, and the docs can sometimes deem a cancer patient in "partial remission". Wouldn't that be a nice thing to hear next week?

Keep those prayers coming if you are the praying kind, and thank you to those whom prayer is new to. We appreciate you taking the time to pray for Eric's full recovery..

We are praying to Catherine McAuley for intersession in Eric's recovery. Catherine is the Foundress of The Sisters of Mercy, who is up for Canonization (and an Irish Lass) . We are praying to her in hopes that Eric's full recovery and cure from Cancer can be the miracle that will raise Catherine to Sainthood.

We ask that you say this prayer for Eric with us:

O beloved Catherine, through the power of my most compassionate Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I humbly beseech you to look with love and pity on Eric who is ill at this time. Stir up in me the same passion that impelled you to respond to the needs of your time. Bless me with the sure knowledge of your presence and with a complete trust in your providence. Use once again your spirit of compassion and your ardent desire to alleviate suffering and to restore her/him to full health if it is God's holy will. I ask this in the Name of Jesus who lives and reigns with the Father in unity of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Thank you all! I leave you with the song that played when Eric and I were announced ad Mr. & Mrs. at our wedding reception, at the time it had a much different meaning then it does today, but it still has a special place in our hearts! Also I request a special prayer for another one of Philly's finest, who just found out they have cancer at the age of 34. Prayer to you and your family JG, just like Eric you WILL beat this!
~Jeaneane

You're not alone. Together we stand I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

I times I feel like I need to purge. Right now is a purge time. I guess I should explain this a little further. This has been nagging me now for quite some time...it needs to come out. This post is not really going to be about Eric, it's going to be about me. Many of you might find my musings today to be selfish, but it is hard to be the one who sits in the shadows and bites tongues. I will now longer do it. I turn 30 in less then 2 months....time to purge.

When this nightmare first hit us, the reaction from friends and family was mixed. Family, for the most part, rallied around us and supported the decisions we made. Some friends really went out of their way to help comfort and support us. Hell even people who were mere acquaintances rallied around us and showed support. And there were...The Others.

The Others are the people who I thought were friends. The Others are the ones who claimed they, "Didn't know what to say" or "Didn't know how to react". The Others are the ones who abandoned us. Eric didn't feel it as much as I did, but there were certain individuals who I no longer have respect for, who couldn't even take the time to shoot him a text or call on the phone. However, The Others were mainly my friends, and a few mutual friends we had together. People who I now realize, probably were never our true friends at all. Why do I say this you may ask? Because I do not think true friends would completely abandon you without ANY explanation.

Ok, ok, I realize that my husband and I aren't the only people in the world, and that EVERYONE has their own problems, but the reason why The Others really stand out, is because of what people, who I may not have even known this time last year, have done to support us. Support doesn't mean they have neglected their families or dropped everything for us. Support is a simple "hi" via text or FB, or a phone call if they have the time. Support is the person who understands that we can't always drop everything for a beer or answer the phone or a text, but offer anyway just in case we might be able to , and accept without question, when we cannot.

The Others has disappointed to an extent that I cannot even describe. Sure every person/family has problems. We can all die at any moment, but living with death and uncertainty looming over your head really fucking sucks. And that is MY life right now. This is what MY husband, and MY kids are reminded of every day until Eric is cancer free. I have come to the conclusion that The Others, are fucking selfish individuals who can't look past their own life and see how their "friends" are doing. I guess because I was always the person who checked in and asked how people were doing, I assumed people would do it for me. Guess I was wrong. Even I, who am up to my eyes in the bullshit of life, still manage to check in with people I thought were my friends when I can, even if its just a simple "like" on facebook. At least they know I am thinking about them, and maybe it will not make them feel as horribly lonely as I do right now.

Yea that's right, I finally admit it I feel horrible, defeated, betrayed, disappointed, tired, and LONELY. I also feel a whole bunch of emotions only cancer warriors and their families may understand, as well as anyone who has fought death themselves, or in their families. I am disgusted with people I had considered friends. And if you are shocked when you are reading this, you shouldn't be. When was the last time you texted/called/messaged even sent me a freaking chain email?? I'm going to guess not anytime recently. And some of you were individuals I would have done anything for. Ones I shared laughter and tears with, ones I confided in and trusted. The sad part was, if something was wrong with you I STILL would try to check in and make sure your ok.

So now that explains the purging. I going to spend this next month and a half dedicated to my family, and for those who actually give a shit about me. And I am going to celebrate turning 30 with people who matter. Because I want someone like Avril to be by my side...

About living and dying...

When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:

engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf]
vb (tr)
1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up
2. (often passive) to overwhelm

Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.

One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.

Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.

A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".

I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.

This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.

Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.

I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...