glad christmas is over

This one was a tough one. Ever since we got the scan results before Thanksgiving I tried to have holiday cheer, mainly for the sake of my son, and partially for the sake of my own sanity. Even though previous Christmases have been cancer filled, this one just got to me more.

Eric really hadn't been out of bed much in over 2 weeks. All weekends were spent in bed...evenings from late afternoon on were spent in bed. The whole holiday was spent in bed. It was so sad. And he felt so horrible and worn.

I ended up delivering the presents to his son. Eric had wanted to do it but he was too worn. I called my mother in law to wish her a Merry Christmas. It was heartbreaking. Eric didn't even have the stamina to speak with her Christmas morning. He was able to open some gifts in bed Christmas morning. I made sure I snapped a shot of it, even though he got mad. I wanted a picture. I wanted something from this holiday.

Logan and I went to church together. It was so depressing looking around and seeing all the happy and HEALTHY families around us. Ok, maybe not everyone is healthy or happy, but they were well enough to make it to Christmas Mass with smiles on their faces rather then laying in bed in pain and exhausted. After communion, the whole church began singing "Silent Night". That's when I lost it. I started weeping silently in my pew and couldn't stop. People around me were staring and probably thinking I was insane. Luckily Logan didn't seem to notice. In a church full of people singing about the birth of our Lord, I had never felt more sad and alone. I prayed to God to help me, to give me strength. I prayed for strength for Eric. I didn't pray for him to be healthy. I know God already has his plan. Good or bad, I don't know, but he has already decided.  I just prayed for the strength to understand and accept his plan. I prayed for strength for Eric to continue to fight. Whether he is fighting for his cure, or fighting to stay with us as long as possible, I want him to continue to be whole. 

He never made it to Christmas Dinner. Thanks to some generous souls at The Breathing Room Foundation, I had a nice frozen meal I got ready for him. Logan and I went to my parents first for some gift giving then Aunt and Uncle's for dinner to spend time with the Conklins. I felt guilty for leaving him, but knew I needed to keep some sense of normalcy for my 12 year old. But overall, this Christmas was just rotten.

Well here is to a better 2013. Because 2012 was rotten too, and so was 2011, and the last part of 2010. 2 years and 3 months straight is a really long time to be fighting this horrible disease without any sort of break. That's a really long time to be sick every day. Hopefully 2013 gives Eric a break, and us a chance to reboot.

PET Scan and CT Scan first week in Jan. We find out the results Jan 14th. If cancer growth is reduced or stabilized we are happy. If cancer has grown or spread, then we reach our first official chemo fail, and 5FU and Xeloda will no longer be a treatment option. Remember there are only about 4 different drug options for Metastatic Colon Cancer, so a drug fail super sucks.

Thanks for all the prayers. We really need them.

I got lazy...

Here are some back dated posts from Eric's carepage. I put them in chronological order. Then I will do an update today. I suck.

A chance to breathe...

Posted Sep 14, 2012 2:54pm

We finally got some good news this week. We got the results back from Eric's PET Scans, and they were clear, showing no disease present. This is incredible news, and I guess in some way a shock.
Eric is to continue on chemo for an indefinite amount of time. This is an offensive measure. From the beginning we were told that even when all tumors were removed, Eric would have approx 6 months of chemo to be sure they killed off all the disease.

The CEA level dropped from 10.2 to 8 in a month. We are hoping it continues to drop. The CEA marks the presence of disease. Once we start seeing numbers below 4 we know this is going well.
So I guess we begin the road to remission. Don't know if I would clinically say Eric is there yet, but it sure is a weight lifted off of his shoulders knowing that they do not see any disease.
However, since he will be continuing on chemo, he will still have the fatigue and million other side effects it causes. Fingers crossed this journey is almost over, even if just for a little while.
Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. As always, BELIEVE.

nervous as hell

Posted Nov 13, 2012 8:34pm

Tomorrow Eric goes for another round of PET and CT scans. I'm a wreck, so is he. The September ones were clear, so these results could be life changing. These results may be able to tell us whether or not Eric is finally ahead of this disease after 25.5 months of chasing it. If these scans are clear then he may be able to stop chemo. If he stops and his scans in 3 months stay clear then he begins remission.

But there is always a chance the scans wont be clear. Since he is on chemo and the last scans showed no presence of cancer, if these next ones do, then the chemo is considered a failure and we have to try something new. There are only about 5 types of chemo Eric can use successfully, we can't afford a failure, and quite frankly, he deserves a break.

So tonight I am saying my prayers and hoping the scans are good. We will not get the results until Monday, so its going to be a long 5 days and Eric is going to be a freaking basketcase. So any kind words you can send his way would be great. Help get his mind off things. And if the news isn't good in Monday, well we will fight on like we have since the beginning.

And as for me, ill keep it together and put on my brave face like I always do. Some day ill have my meltdown ...just can't have it yet ;-)

Silver Linings Playbook

Posted Dec 2, 2012 2:29pm

I feel like we are forever looking for the silver linings. Don' get me wrong, I am not complaining, but the ups and downs really start to take their toll.

As we are well immersed in our 3rd holiday season since Eric's diagnosis, all around me I can find things to be grateful for. Loving family, true friends, wonderful jobs and coworkers, and Eric being here to spend another holiday with us. We are lucky, many people don't get to live to see another Christmas, let alone 3, after a diagnosis like his. But the length of this battle is taking its toll physically, emotionally, spiritually, and any other "ly" you can think of.

I wasn't going to share this information, as I wasn't sure how much Eric wanted people to know. But we told our families, and Eric said it on facebook, so I figured I would let the other people who have supported him since day 1 know. The PET scan results we received right before Thanksgiving were not good. They weren't horrible, but they weren't good.

If you recall Eric's scans in September showed no disease, but to be offensive they kept him on chemo. It seemed that the last of the cancer that the docs had been chasing for 2 years was finally gone. Sadly, this November scan showed disease in the liver. New disease. Disease that grew while he was on chemo. Its a small amount, but it is there, and it is very disheartening. The liver had been cancer free for a year. This is a bad blow. Also CEA tumor marker went from 6.8 to 9 in a month, indicating cancer growth.

This stinks, and Eric was pretty upset (as I was), but he is taking it with stride now. They decided to keep him on the same dosage of the same chemo until the next PET scan in Jan. I think they are trying to get him through the holidays comfortably. This regimen has been , by far, the easiest for him in terms of side effects and mental toll. Kemeney already has a game plan I am sure. If there is more growth in the next scan he will prob be put back on the big guns, and life will really suck. The big stuff is terrible. It turns Eric into a real "sick person".

So this holiday season, please remember whats important. I know I am. Laugh a little more, smile a little wider, hug a little tighter, and say I love you to those who you do...you just never know what tomorrow will hold.
Peace & Love,
Jeaneane

Eric's Cancer Fight Countdown: 790 days of fighting and living since being told he was going to die.

Say goodbye to Hollywood...say goodbye my baby

Movin' on is a chance you take 
Any time you try to stay - together 
Whoa
 Say a word out of line
 And you find that the friends you had 
Are gone forever
 Forever...

I really haven't blogged much this summer. Things, minus complications and infections, were fairly good. E and I had been great. I mean a few nasty cancer stemmed fights here and there, but never did I really question our strength for quit some time. I guess I can't count on that lasting forever. There have been so many ups and downs these past 2 years. So many people in and out of ours, but particularly my life. They really don't lie when they say you see who you can really count out during the rough times. Sadly the only person that I have found I can truly rely on is myself, and now I am starting to question that.

 I never said I was this amazingly perfect wife, mother, friend. I am far from it. I guess I was just able to put on my big girl panties and wade my family through the craziness of this cancer journey the past 2 years. But I am starting to fall apart. I fell myself losing grip on all that I love, and all that I fought hard to sustain. I find that I am becoming so sad, all the time. And I have no one to talk to. I guess a good chunk of blame needs to be put on me. I am too stubborn and bullheaded to get help, and I am a fierce momma bear when it comes to those I love. People have viewed me as crazy. Indeed a complete 302, because I would go to insane lengths to try and keep my family and my love in tact. I was insanely jealous of anyone E turned to instead of me. I think more then jealous, I was just so damn hurt. I mean shit, I am his wife, I am supposed to be his best friend, fuck I am the one taking care of him. But then he would share his fears and his hopes and dreams with others, and I was devastated. So I became nuts I guess. It didn't matter. In the end he didn't choose me. NEver had, never will. Everyone else always comes first. He never sees my pain. Even when I can no longer hide it, its like, "who the hell are you. Dont start your bullshit tears. You aren't the one that is sick."


 I am getting increasingly agitated with the boy, and he doesn't deserve my frustrations to be even remotely taken out on him. And I feel E and I pulling further and further apart. I am scared he is becoming the guy he was before, the guy who hated me. I feel like life is full of secrets again. Whether it is him not wanting to hurt me or whatever, I still feel like I live under a veil of secrets. Its a horrible way to live. Maybe I am just becoming paranoid. If I were to closely examine the 5 Stages of Grief, I would say I keep hoovering over acceptance and depression.I mean I have accepted from the beginning. I mean shit I married a cop. I knew there was always a chance he would never come home. I'm not stupid. I know what cancer does, how cancer can kill, but I also believe in miracles, and love, and strength. I thought that if I did all that, and so did E, nothing could stop us, nothing could take our love away, not even cancer. YEar ago, before we got married. E used to say it was him and I against the world. I don't really think that anymore. I honestly don't think he wants me to be his side kick anymore in this crazy journey. And if he does, he sure as shit has lost all understanding of how to show it. BEcause quite frankly, saying I love you, isn't showing it. And the only time he wants or needs me around is when he is sick, or has an appointment, or needs me to be his caregiver. I can do that, thats fine. I can be his caregiver if that is my role. I would never stop taking care of him, or loving him...even if he no longer loves me.

I guess no one will really understand this. I don't really think anyone could unless they live through it. quite frankly i dont even know why I am blogging about it, to complete strangers, but it did finally help the tears come. I had been holding them back for awhile now. Because, hell, who am i to be crying right? I am not the one who is sick! I will never understand what my husband goes through. But then again, he will never understand, respect, or even care about what I go through. Because I dont matter. IT's all about the person with cancer, not the rest of the family who is falling apart. And this is Stage 4 cancer, this isn't some joke. Maybe it should be all about him. But then again, I thought tragedy and heartache like this was supposed to bring you closer to the ones you love, no further away. But I guess in some respects he is growing closer to everyone else, just not the person who will stand by his side in good times and bad.

Guess it's time to just buck up and say goodbye to hollywood, and goodbye to my baby...because I dont think he is mine anymore anyway.... 

Keeping up with the Komplications

Eric started xeloda again 4 weeks ago. Last monday was the beginning of the 2nd round in this cycle. So far he seems to be doing ok with it. Today is his last day of chemp before his weeklong break. We had our 2nd appointment with the derm on monday, as his skin is still breaking down something awful. They are going to try another form of ointment which eric used awhile ago. They are also going to keep him on a constant low dose of antibiotic (doxycycline)to try to ward off infections, but we need to be leery of him getting c-diff again. His cultures have come up positive for Staph, and acinetobacter. So it is obvious the need for antibiotics is there, or he is going to end up in the hospital again. Then I get a phone call from derm on tuesday saying Eric tested positive for a different staph strain, but so far not showing as MRSA. But this staph is resistant to the doxycycline. So after a few days on that he had to stop, and use hibiclensse bath and an ointment until we meet with infectious disease in 2 weeks. Grrrrrr!!!

Dr. Locatoure, the derm, wanted to treat Eric with an additional chemo called Methotrexate solely for the purpose of trying to control the skin breakdown. Methotrexate is used for some forms of breast cancer and leukemia, but it can be used off label for chemical abortions and autoimmune disorder, like Eric's eczema. It can have adverse effects on the liver, which Eric only has 1/3 of. As a result, for right now, Oz (Dr. Kemeny), nixed it. In a way it sucks, because Methotrexate is really a great way to treat the skin breakdown but she does not want to interfere with the effectiveness of his chemo for the colon cancer mets. Its frustrating, but I am sure there is some wisdom to it.

Other than that we continue to take things one day at a time. There are bad days, and then some not so bad days. The good days are few and far between anymore. But every once in a while there are some good days thrown in there. The neuropathy is getting intense at times, as he is showing symptoms from chemos past. The worst thing is the trunk neuropathy, where several times, well honestly almost constantly, he feels like he is being stung by thousands of bees on his entire trunk region. We are hoping that as the skin recovers, this will go away as well. It is not a common side effect to any of the chemos that he is on, so they believe it is either a side effect of his his most recent surgeries (some sort of nerve damage), or the result of the trauma to his skin. We are obviously hoping this is temporary and not permanent, as it causes Eric a great deal of pain.

So far we have no other appointments until September. The first week in September Eric will have a PET scan and a CT scan. The following week he will review the results with the docs. By that point he will have had 2.5 rounds of xeloda in his system post surgery. We pray that there will be no signs of disease. Until then, as long as there are no changes, I probably won't have anything to update.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need...

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Chemo resumes today. Xeloda at a lower dosage then before to see if Eric gets toxicity again. He doesn't want to be on IV chemo, so we are hoping a lower dosage works. CEA level has increased from 9.8 a month ago to 10.2, despite the tumors in the lungs being removed. So clearly there is still cancer in his body. Pretty bummed.

We got into a fight the other day. He was yelling and screaming that he doesn't care anymore. So I gave it right back to him. I told him to give up then, stop fighting, stop letting so many people waste their time and energy supporting a person who doesn't care anymore. I got so mad and told him in frustration to stop all the treatments then, stop going to NY, stop taking up space and time someone who wants to live would be happy to get. I asked him why would he continue to have surgery after surgery and chemo and all the other nonsense if he didn't care anymore? his response-Because he felt like it. Then I called him out on it.  I told him that when you really don't care you stop saying anything at all. I forced him to hear me say that I know that he does care, and that he is scared to die. I told him anything you love is worth fighting for, and no matter how mad I made him (and boy did I make him mad), I was still going to fight for him, even if he wasn't going to fight for himself. I know he cares. But I know he is frustrated. The confirmation today of resuming chemo was just another blow. 

I'll keep pushing him. I swear to this. No matter how much he may hate me, I will push him. I WILL NOT let him give up. He has too much to fight for. He is tired and broken. But no matter what Eric, I promise,  I will try to fix you...

Yes, I understand that every life must end...As we sit alone, I know someday we must go...

SPOILER ALERT:  Eric's Post-Surgical Report, a Thank you, and a Sad Farewell.

Yesterdays surgery went beautifully. Surgery last a little over 1.5 hours. Dr. Solomon was able to ablate all visible disease in the left lung. There was one point where they were concerned his lung was collapsing, but more time, oxygen, and meds ensured this did not happen. But more then that, I think at that near that exact moment, an Angel was watching over him, you will read about that below.... Eric had to have 3 post surgical xrays and stay in the PACU until 4pm. Surgery started at 8am. It was a long day but he did awesome. his body responded so well to the surgery that Solomon ok'd him to have the second surgery on the right lung in a mere 3 days. The right lung is a little more concerning, as he has had fluid in that lung very recently.

So back we go again to NYC for an appointment Monday and surgery on Tuesday. I think to save some time and stress, we are just going to send Monday night in the city.

                               Eric Right before being wheeled back to surgery...
          I told him the hair net reminded me of the opening of Laverne & Shirley



Also, I would like to say thank you to those who attended the last min benefit at Maggies on Thursday. Eric had a fantastic time, and was really surprised and happy to see so many friends there to support him. It was just what he needed to gear up for surgery the next day. I want to share with you a message he put about the night on his Facebook page. Please ignore the spelling errors and grammatical errors, Eric wrote this last night when he couldn't go to sleep.

Eric F Dial
8 hours ago via mobile

Ugh can't sleep again. But anyway had giving me good time to think. About how to put into words about lastnight at maggies. Sorry for the late responds. The last 24hrs have been very crazy. For those of u that know me I'm not big on speeches and I'm a shy guy. But here goes. I would like to thank Maggies john Nagele and I'm not sure of the others that put lastnight benefit thing together. I greatly appreciate it. But you didn't have to do that for me, I'm sure there is more deserving people people out there more then me. I can't out into.words how i feel. With the love and support everything has giving me and my family. Its was a great surprise coming and seeing all.the support of good friends and people i didn't even know. It was really heart warming. Especially since i had no clue what was happening. And glad i was able to.attend. but anyway don't want to bore anyone with along message. Just wanted to.say THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart. Love u all. And may god bless each and every one of u like he has blessed me. ♥ ...u know what this cancer is the best thing that could if happen to me in a sick way. It was a reality check to me. To not take things fir granted. And appreciate the things in life u have. And it actually made me a,better person then i was. I take every day in stride one day at a time and live life to the complete fullest. And i think the world be a,better place if everyone did the same.

Finally, I would like to take a moment to pay my respects to another Cancer Warrior who lost her battle with Breast Cancer yesterday. I never had the opportunity to meet Linda Furlong Hill personally. She was a coworker/friend of my friend Jenn. Her husband is a Philly police officer too, so Jenn thought we would have a pretty good connection. Linda was a nurse at Arias Torresdale who found out she had breast cancer while pregnant with her now 2 year old son. Jenn suggested I "friend" Linda, and I am so very glad I did. She became a DAILY inspiration to me. Her spirit and determination to live left me in awe. After her diagnosis 2 years ago, surgery and treatment, she enjoyed several months of remission before cancer reared its ugly head and spread to every part of his body. Even when it hit her brain she STILL WOULD NOT GIVE UP!!! Linda didn't lay in bed and feel sorry for herself, she pushed herself to make the most of what time she might have left.

She wrote the following on her Facebook about me section, and I think it pretty much gives you an idea of what an amazing person Linda was:

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I am a wife and mother of 3 beautiful children. I lost my Dad to colon cancer in 2004..I myself was diagnosed with Stage III Triple Negative Breast Cancer this year. It was found during my pregnancy in my left breast. I also had a benign mass in my right breast...that also had a 25% chance of turning into cancer so on top of having a radical mastectomy with 7/14 nodes positive removed I also opted to have myright breast removed as well...to be proactive in my treatment. Plus my breasts were so large I would have been very lopsided. My double mastectomy was exactly one week and a day after having my son, due to the aggressive form it was. And I was allowed 4 weeks to heal prior to starting my chemo. 8 rounds...4 with Adriamycin and Cytoxan...and the next 4 with Taxol. So far 5 rounds complete and 3 to go.I also tested + for the BRAC 1 gene..so the removal of my ovaries are also in my future due to the high risk of Ovarian Cancer. And my fear is that my children now have a 50% chance of having the mutated gene. But the GREAT Part is...is that they are now 10 STEPS ahead of cancer and now they can prevent it. Due to the POWER of Knowledge!!! I no longer look at Cancer as something all bad...cause as I see it...it may have attacked me...but it will NEVER take my children or their children...ALL because the POWER of knowledge. My Breast Cancer has SAVED my legacy!! I had my head shaved by my hubby after the 2nd round. Had fun wig shopping....but for the most part I rock my bald head at home and pretty nice hats out in public....and the wig sometimes. It has been a whirlwind of emotions in the short time since I was diagnosed on June 17 2010. The Life Events I have experienced in this short time...I know most people don't in a Lifetime. But I know that is what makes me a strong person and soon to be a survivor. I know the war will never be over but I expect to win the battle over and over again. I try not to think of the "what if's" anymore because I have no control over them....but I do try to just live my life and do me. I have alot to LIVE for...and I refuse to let cancer take that from me. Afterall I am one Tough Bitch....

Linda T. Furlong Hill

3/12/77- 7/20/12

"Fuck Cancer"

Linda, you fought long and hard, and now you are free. Cancer can no longer hurt you...

The 10 o'clock News.

CEA levels went down from 13 to 9. Clearly the infections raised the levels significantly from the 6 it was the week before. But 9 is still high indicating an increase in the disease. Dr Kemeny has decided to wait until after the lung tumor removal surgery to resume chemo. Clearly chemo must be resumed to keep disease at bay.

We are here.in NYC to see the pulmonary specialist. Eric was conditionally cleared for surgery next week as long as the wheezing in his lungs had subsided. We are here today to get a complete clearance. Mondays pulmonary function tests revealed that.Eric's lung functions have decreased 35% since last year. Not a good thing, and clearly demonstrating how the metastasis of the disease to the lungs has effected him.

The first of 2 lung tumor removal surgeries is scheduled for July 20th. They will remove disease from the left lung. Approximately 2 weeks later (date to be determined) he will have surgery on the right lung. Both surgeries at this point in time have been denied coverage. We have decided to go forth with the surgeries regardless and appeal the coverage denial. We risk paying out of pock for these surgeries (tens of thousands of dollars) but I don't want to gamble with Eric's.life and face the possibility of the disease continuing to spread while we wait for it to be covered. His CEA level continues to steadily increase clearly indicating that the disease is spreading. I want every tumor visible to the eye to be removed and chemo to resume ASAP so that we can finally get ahead of it.

As always thanks.for the.love and.prayers

And for a little laugh, here is E's facebook status after today's clearance: