WTF??!!

That's basically the only words I have right now. Since the proper family members have been informed, I now felt it was ok to tell everyone else that Eric's cancer is back. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. He celebrated this milestone by getting a tattoo (if you know Eric you would understand why). He explains the symbolism of the tat as, "The worst day of my life, and the people who saved me."

Well now, a month later, and 7 months cancer free, they found tumor growth in his liver. Again I say, WTF?! This guy can't catch a break. He finally felt like his life was beginning to become normal again, and he gets rocked with this. But I am so proud of how well he is handling it, and how he continues to fight on. But I still think he and I are both warranted a little "WTF".

So the fight continues. It feels like deja vu in a way. The beginning of the school year, new school, new job, new friends in our lives. And then cancer comes and invades our world.

There are only a few requests I have right now, and they are sincere. 1.) Please continue to pray for Eric's health and strength. (And if you wouldn't mind a few extra prayers for the rest of his family that would be great too).

2.) We need our friends and family, and we need our lives to have the least amount of drama as possible. That means, I need to make amends. I am asking for forgiveness from some, and it would make Eric and mine, and our children's lives much easier if we can forgive and move on. Anger is a poison that does NOTHING to help fight.

3.) I need help. I can't do this alone again. Pride aside, I will take people up on offers to help. If your off on a Monday, and can take Eric to NY for an appointment, I need you. If you have kids that Logan could play with and wouldn't mind another kid hanging out, I need you. There are so many other things I could put, but the bottom line is that I need my family and friends to fight help Eric in his fight. Last year, mostly by choice, I did it all by myself. I nearly cracked. i wouldn't let anyone help me, it was a huge mistake. This year I will not do it. If you can help, let me know.



Eric is continuing to go to work. He even went in to teach the recruits with his fanny pack on. In that fanny pack was the chemo pumping into his port to keep him alive. Sure he felt like shit. Hell the day before he was told his cancer was back. But he went because he wanted to. Because he wants to still be Eric.

I am going to try to continue to work as much as possible. I want to save the time in case I really need it. Eric will be having upcoming surgery soon (or so it seems) to remove the tumor growth. I would need to take off for that, so any appointments, I am trying to see if people wouldn't mind taking him up to NYC. (I will provide the car/gas/tolls I just need peoples time). These appointments are Mondays. Eric says he can take himself if I can't go, but I would rather someone go with him, in case he has a negative reaction from the chemo.

Well I will summarize what's going on medically:
09/16/11- 6 months cancer free
10/4/11- 1 year anniversary of Stage IV diagnosis
10/31/11- 7 month CT Scan
11/7/11- Results of Scan
11/7/11- Hear the dreaded words, "We found cancer." CEA LEVEL: 7.1
11/7/11- Treatment begins at 6:30pm. Eric is given a different type of chemo, 5FU.


A little about 5FU: It's the oldest chemo there is for fighting colon cancer. Not that its any less effective. It runs for a period of 48 hours, hence the fanny pack. It's used to treats lots of other cancers too. It's a good drug, and has many less side effects then the drug combo Eric was on before. Eric was previously taking "the big guns". They dont want to use that combo again unless they need to. That was a 3 chemo cocktail of FUDR, oxaliplatin, and irinotican. A nasty strong combo. But the doc's feel they can give his the 5FU and shrink the tumor growth. If more tumors were to be found in different areas, then the big guns would come out.

Starting Chemo Again....
Rocking his killer fanny pack...

Numbers...

I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .

life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!

Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.


Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike



Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs


Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers


I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....


But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.

"Thank you for loving me. For being my eyes, When I couldn't see..."

For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I
Thank you for loving me

I pondered what to write in the blog today. Originally I was going to post yesterday, but the Turkey Coma I was in prevented and real thoughts from coming to my head. Plus I was trying to find a good song to leave you all with on this icky day.

Thanksgiving used to be my least favorite holiday. I hate the food, I really can't stand watching hours of football, I am usually tired from a particularly difficult school week (fellow teachers will understand), Logan is at his Dad's house (not that I care about that but I don't have my lil guy around), and somehow, someway, our family gets into stupid arguments over nothing,

But this year was different. This year I actually understood the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Ok not that I didn't understand it before, but I didn't appreciate the meaning before. I looked at Turkey Day as a great day to hang out with my family and drink with my cousins. This year I realized how grateful I am for everything that have.

The day was a great day for Eric as well. A day of laughter, love, and memories...with a heavy emphasis on the laughter. We started off at my Mom and Dad's house. My brother Sean had been out playing football with his friends and walked in covered in mud. My Mom started freaking out because he was so dirty, and she and my Dad told Sean not to get the shower dirty with all the mud. We could not stop laughing....How was he supposed to get clean, hose off outside?? lol Eric was laughing so much it literally hurt. While Sean was warming up by the fire my Mom started to clean his legs with Windex...I felt like I was an extra on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Angela you would appreciate it. Eric posted the pic on facebook and wrote this underneath "Love going to the in laws. Nothing like seeing ur mother in law use glass cleaner to clean mud off my brother in law after he just came in from playing football. Love the holidays."

Then we moved from window cleaning to fighting over the TV. Andrew, the youngest, was screaming at my Dad and Mom, because instead of watching football, they were watching HGTV. It was hysterical. Eric was hurting so bad from trying to stifle his laughter. My mom was yelling at me for laughing, so he didn't want to get caught. It got worse when my Dad realized "Miracle of 34th Street" was on (click Here for more about Dad's love of the movie). Andrew stole the remote and kept putting the game on during the commercials, but he did it in such a way that like every 15 seconds he kept changing, it was driving my dad nuts and he started yelling at him, "If I miss one second of "Miracle"..." OMG we couldn't stop laughing!

Eventually we ended up at my aunt Eileen's, and ate a fabulous dinner. During dinner we played a nice round of "Olney Trivia" (you have to be there to understand) led by my uncle Joey. And once again, Eric could not stop laughing. That say laughter is the best medicine, and if that is true, Eric got some great treatment last night. I predict 12% of his cancer masses were destroyed yesterday.

Now on to the list of things I am thankful for:
*Another holiday season to spend with those I love
*A real live superhero as a spouse
*A super awesome Son who gives me reasons to smile every day
*A great Stepson and his super supportive Mom who have been so fantastic throughout all of this
*Supportive parents, who have done so much for Eric and I
*My incredible family (The Kozlowski's, Conklin's, and extended Conway Families) who have prayed and supported us in some many ways since Eric was first diagnosed Thank you for making him a part of our family. "I am so happy to know what it feels like to be part of such a great family" -Eric (November 14, 2010)
*True Friends both old AND new. Those of you who have been there for us these past 2 months without fail. Both near and far offering your prayers, love, and support
*Strength we draw from other "Cancer Warriors" and their families. People like Angela K, Donna B., Patty B., Danielle K., Meaghan E., The Spirit Jumpers Family, and the strangers who shared their stories with me the week Eric was at MSKCC.
*God granting me another day to appreciate his beauty and graces
*My new found sense of faith. I have always believed in God, Jesus, and works of faith...but now it is something more, something hard to explain, but something beautiful
*The laughter of children. No one can feel bad after hearing a child life
*Co-workers of both Eric and I, who have gone beyond the call of duty. In particular: Theresa E., Capt McCarrick, Lt. McCartney, Sgt. McLain, Sgt. Barclay, and the Officers of the 2nd District. You guys have been beyond amazing
*The strength to purge my life of negative things and negative people. Very hard to do, but very necessary.
*and Finally, the strength and perseverance to fight for the man I love....no matter what obstacles we encounter.

And I leave you with a little Bon Jovi....Happy Black Friday!

I just wanna scream and lose control, Throw my hands up and let it go...

Forget about everything and runaway, yeah

Oh Avril...God I feel your song today.

I had no desire to post negative things on this blog. I am determined to rid my life of negativity, but I just want to scream! I can't keep it in anymore.

Family. They can be awesome or they can suck. I have seen such kindness and generosity from members of our family. Loved ones doing everything they can to help and support us. People knowing boundaries, and knowing when to just wait along the sidelines and be there when we need them...

And then there is the opposite....family who doesn't leave well enough alone. They just don't get the hint. They are mean and hurtful and selfish. And they do not respect Eric's wishes...not my wishes, ERIC'S!!!!

Then it ends up getting dirty. If you are reading this and thinking, "Is this me?" then yea it is you. I can no longer continue to entertain insanity. I am not selfish, I am not keeping people away from Eric, I am carrying out his requests. He doesn't want negativity or drama in his life right now. He needs positive thinking and attitudes, not fighting, drama, and negativity.