Tuesday, January 18, 2011

You're not alone. Together we stand I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through


I times I feel like I need to purge. Right now is a purge time. I guess I should explain this a little further. This has been nagging me now for quite some time...it needs to come out. This post is not really going to be about Eric, it's going to be about me. Many of you might find my musings today to be selfish, but it is hard to be the one who sits in the shadows and bites tongues. I will now longer do it. I turn 30 in less then 2 months....time to purge.

When this nightmare first hit us, the reaction from friends and family was mixed. Family, for the most part, rallied around us and supported the decisions we made. Some friends really went out of their way to help comfort and support us. Hell even people who were mere acquaintances rallied around us and showed support. And there were...The Others.

The Others are the people who I thought were friends. The Others are the ones who claimed they, "Didn't know what to say" or "Didn't know how to react". The Others are the ones who abandoned us. Eric didn't feel it as much as I did, but there were certain individuals who I no longer have respect for, who couldn't even take the time to shoot him a text or call on the phone. However, The Others were mainly my friends, and a few mutual friends we had together. People who I now realize, probably were never our true friends at all. Why do I say this you may ask? Because I do not think true friends would completely abandon you without ANY explanation.

Ok, ok, I realize that my husband and I aren't the only people in the world, and that EVERYONE has their own problems, but the reason why The Others really stand out, is because of what people, who I may not have even known this time last year, have done to support us. Support doesn't mean they have neglected their families or dropped everything for us. Support is a simple "hi" via text or FB, or a phone call if they have the time. Support is the person who understands that we can't always drop everything for a beer or answer the phone or a text, but offer anyway just in case we might be able to , and accept without question, when we cannot.

The Others has disappointed to an extent that I cannot even describe. Sure every person/family has problems. We can all die at any moment, but living with death and uncertainty looming over your head really fucking sucks. And that is MY life right now. This is what MY husband, and MY kids are reminded of every day until Eric is cancer free. I have come to the conclusion that The Others, are fucking selfish individuals who can't look past their own life and see how their "friends" are doing. I guess because I was always the person who checked in and asked how people were doing, I assumed people would do it for me. Guess I was wrong. Even I, who am up to my eyes in the bullshit of life, still manage to check in with people I thought were my friends when I can, even if its just a simple "like" on facebook. At least they know I am thinking about them, and maybe it will not make them feel as horribly lonely as I do right now.

Yea that's right, I finally admit it I feel horrible, defeated, betrayed, disappointed, tired, and LONELY. I also feel a whole bunch of emotions only cancer warriors and their families may understand, as well as anyone who has fought death themselves, or in their families. I am disgusted with people I had considered friends. And if you are shocked when you are reading this, you shouldn't be. When was the last time you texted/called/messaged even sent me a freaking chain email?? I'm going to guess not anytime recently. And some of you were individuals I would have done anything for. Ones I shared laughter and tears with, ones I confided in and trusted. The sad part was, if something was wrong with you I STILL would try to check in and make sure your ok.

So now that explains the purging. I going to spend this next month and a half dedicated to my family, and for those who actually give a shit about me. And I am going to celebrate turning 30 with people who matter. Because I want someone like Avril to be by my side...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

About living and dying...

When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:
engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf]
vb (tr)
1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up
2. (often passive) to overwhelm


Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.

One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.

Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.

A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".

I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.

This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.

Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.

I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...