Thursday, December 27, 2012

glad christmas is over

This one was a tough one. Ever since we got the scan results before Thanksgiving I tried to have holiday cheer, mainly for the sake of my son, and partially for the sake of my own sanity. Even though previous Christmases have been cancer filled, this one just got to me more.

Eric really hadn't been out of bed much in over 2 weeks. All weekends were spent in bed...evenings from late afternoon on were spent in bed. The whole holiday was spent in bed. It was so sad. And he felt so horrible and worn.

I ended up delivering the presents to his son. Eric had wanted to do it but he was too worn. I called my mother in law to wish her a Merry Christmas. It was heartbreaking. Eric didn't even have the stamina to speak with her Christmas morning. He was able to open some gifts in bed Christmas morning. I made sure I snapped a shot of it, even though he got mad. I wanted a picture. I wanted something from this holiday.

Logan and I went to church together. It was so depressing looking around and seeing all the happy and HEALTHY families around us. Ok, maybe not everyone is healthy or happy, but they were well enough to make it to Christmas Mass with smiles on their faces rather then laying in bed in pain and exhausted. After communion, the whole church began singing "Silent Night". That's when I lost it. I started weeping silently in my pew and couldn't stop. People around me were staring and probably thinking I was insane. Luckily Logan didn't seem to notice. In a church full of people singing about the birth of our Lord, I had never felt more sad and alone. I prayed to God to help me, to give me strength. I prayed for strength for Eric. I didn't pray for him to be healthy. I know God already has his plan. Good or bad, I don't know, but he has already decided.  I just prayed for the strength to understand and accept his plan. I prayed for strength for Eric to continue to fight. Whether he is fighting for his cure, or fighting to stay with us as long as possible, I want him to continue to be whole. 

He never made it to Christmas Dinner. Thanks to some generous souls at The Breathing Room Foundation, I had a nice frozen meal I got ready for him. Logan and I went to my parents first for some gift giving then Aunt and Uncle's for dinner to spend time with the Conklins. I felt guilty for leaving him, but knew I needed to keep some sense of normalcy for my 12 year old. But overall, this Christmas was just rotten.

Well here is to a better 2013. Because 2012 was rotten too, and so was 2011, and the last part of 2010. 2 years and 3 months straight is a really long time to be fighting this horrible disease without any sort of break. That's a really long time to be sick every day. Hopefully 2013 gives Eric a break, and us a chance to reboot.

PET Scan and CT Scan first week in Jan. We find out the results Jan 14th. If cancer growth is reduced or stabilized we are happy. If cancer has grown or spread, then we reach our first official chemo fail, and 5FU and Xeloda will no longer be a treatment option. Remember there are only about 4 different drug options for Metastatic Colon Cancer, so a drug fail super sucks.

Thanks for all the prayers. We really need them.

I got lazy...

Here are some back dated posts from Eric's carepage. I put them in chronological order. Then I will do an update today. I suck.

A chance to breathe...

Posted Sep 14, 2012 2:54pm
We finally got some good news this week. We got the results back from Eric's PET Scans, and they were clear, showing no disease present. This is incredible news, and I guess in some way a shock.
Eric is to continue on chemo for an indefinite amount of time. This is an offensive measure. From the beginning we were told that even when all tumors were removed, Eric would have approx 6 months of chemo to be sure they killed off all the disease.

The CEA level dropped from 10.2 to 8 in a month. We are hoping it continues to drop. The CEA marks the presence of disease. Once we start seeing numbers below 4 we know this is going well.
So I guess we begin the road to remission. Don't know if I would clinically say Eric is there yet, but it sure is a weight lifted off of his shoulders knowing that they do not see any disease.
However, since he will be continuing on chemo, he will still have the fatigue and million other side effects it causes. Fingers crossed this journey is almost over, even if just for a little while.
Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. As always, BELIEVE.


nervous as hell

Posted Nov 13, 2012 8:34pm
Tomorrow Eric goes for another round of PET and CT scans. I'm a wreck, so is he. The September ones were clear, so these results could be life changing. These results may be able to tell us whether or not Eric is finally ahead of this disease after 25.5 months of chasing it. If these scans are clear then he may be able to stop chemo. If he stops and his scans in 3 months stay clear then he begins remission.

But there is always a chance the scans wont be clear. Since he is on chemo and the last scans showed no presence of cancer, if these next ones do, then the chemo is considered a failure and we have to try something new. There are only about 5 types of chemo Eric can use successfully, we can't afford a failure, and quite frankly, he deserves a break.

So tonight I am saying my prayers and hoping the scans are good. We will not get the results until Monday, so its going to be a long 5 days and Eric is going to be a freaking basketcase. So any kind words you can send his way would be great. Help get his mind off things. And if the news isn't good in Monday, well we will fight on like we have since the beginning.

And as for me, ill keep it together and put on my brave face like I always do. Some day ill have my meltdown ...just can't have it yet ;-)

Silver Linings Playbook


Posted Dec 2, 2012 2:29pm
I feel like we are forever looking for the silver linings. Don' get me wrong, I am not complaining, but the ups and downs really start to take their toll.

As we are well immersed in our 3rd holiday season since Eric's diagnosis, all around me I can find things to be grateful for. Loving family, true friends, wonderful jobs and coworkers, and Eric being here to spend another holiday with us. We are lucky, many people don't get to live to see another Christmas, let alone 3, after a diagnosis like his. But the length of this battle is taking its toll physically, emotionally, spiritually, and any other "ly" you can think of.

I wasn't going to share this information, as I wasn't sure how much Eric wanted people to know. But we told our families, and Eric said it on facebook, so I figured I would let the other people who have supported him since day 1 know. The PET scan results we received right before Thanksgiving were not good. They weren't horrible, but they weren't good.

If you recall Eric's scans in September showed no disease, but to be offensive they kept him on chemo. It seemed that the last of the cancer that the docs had been chasing for 2 years was finally gone. Sadly, this November scan showed disease in the liver. New disease. Disease that grew while he was on chemo. Its a small amount, but it is there, and it is very disheartening. The liver had been cancer free for a year. This is a bad blow. Also CEA tumor marker went from 6.8 to 9 in a month, indicating cancer growth.

This stinks, and Eric was pretty upset (as I was), but he is taking it with stride now. They decided to keep him on the same dosage of the same chemo until the next PET scan in Jan. I think they are trying to get him through the holidays comfortably. This regimen has been , by far, the easiest for him in terms of side effects and mental toll. Kemeney already has a game plan I am sure. If there is more growth in the next scan he will prob be put back on the big guns, and life will really suck. The big stuff is terrible. It turns Eric into a real "sick person".

So this holiday season, please remember whats important. I know I am. Laugh a little more, smile a little wider, hug a little tighter, and say I love you to those who you do...you just never know what tomorrow will hold.
Peace & Love,
Jeaneane

Eric's Cancer Fight Countdown: 790 days of fighting and living since being told he was going to die.