Tuesday, December 13, 2011

short but sweet

All visible tumors now gone. Doesn't guarantee cancer is gone, but nothing can be seen by the naked eye. Tumor growth burned, as was cells surrounding tumor growth area in liver. Continue receiving 5FU chemotherapy. Meet with oncologist next Monday to discuss if any changes will be made to treatment. Will also review the results of PET scan that was performed.

E did well with the procedure and was able to go home that night.

texting away after waking up.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Just as an FYI- I am not really using facebook much anymore. At least not for posting updates. I limited what people can see as well. So I will continue to use this, as well as the blog for updates. I also went to on a deleting frenzy. Please do not take it personally if you were deleted. Because of some privacy concerns I basically limited my account to close friends and family. Sorry if I offended anyone, although I am sure facebook doesn't really bother many of you.

Friday, November 25, 2011

I Never Wanna Die

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a liar
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I'll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever


Foo Fighter's "Walk" came on the radio when Eric and I were driving back from my grandmother's birthday party a week ago. He had never heard it. I had heard for the first time right about the time he had had his last surgery in April of 2011. Then I heard it over and over when he was hospitalized. It sort of became my private tribute to him, and my personal fight song. Anyway, that night was the first time he had ever heard it.

The irony does not allude me that, although this song has been out for months, he hears it for the first time about a week after being told his cancer is back. I think it was fitting though. Especially the part where Dave Grohl screams I never want to die over and over again. That's Eric. He has told me this time around he is not sad or bitter or questioning why, he has accepted and is ready to fight. But I watched his eyes as he listened to this song. It touched him. He never wants to die, who would? And I know he won't give up, no matter how hard it gets.

What i feel is he anger and passion of the song. I will do everything in my power to keep Eric happy, healthy, and ALIVE. I want to grow old with him. Sure I am pissed right now. Parts of me are angry because I don't understand why he has to fight so damn hard. But that fight and that anger is what keeps him alive. I realize that now.

I have decided to start updating this more. It let's me vent and keeps me sane. It also helps keep people up to date I presume. I don't know how many people even check this. I still keep the carepage (click HERE if you want to sign up, you get email updates when something new is posted) for more medical updates. This blog I am going to use for more of the raw emotional part I assume. I have no idea who checks and reads it so it makes it easier I guess. I don't have to worry about my mom yelling at me for posting info and complaining, or falling apart, or just being 30.

I just want to be happy. That's all, happy. I am so tired...And I miss the man I married...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful....

So far Eric has had 2 chemo treatments with minimal side effects. I have managed to play Dr. Dial pretty well and de-accessed his port successfully. He is still able to go to work most days, but E is pretty tired. CEA levels are still up and down, up this time around. However his liver functions are almost back to normal. Dec 5th we go to Sloan for treatment and meet the chief of Staff for Interventional radiology to discuss surgical options to destroy the tumor.

Today I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for family and friends, and the amazing Doctors and nurses at Sloan Kettering. I am blessed to be spending another Thanksgiving with my husband. A year ago I wasn't sure if this was going to be a reality.

Thank you all for your continued support, especially for Eric, his son Mark, and my son Logan. It means a lot.

Here's Eric and his new pal Gunney. Gunney helps calm Eric.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Once a month I get like this....



...and i hate it! I get this whole, woe is me attitude and I want to give up everything. It only lasts a few days, but I have to be so careful of the things I say. I want to say mean things. I want to say hurtful things. I want payback for all the times I was made to feel like shit. I want to participate in the "Airing of Grievances". But I can't. I have to bite my tongue and curb my feelings. I have to hide my hurt and sadness and disappointment. It's these 2 days that I think sometimes I truly realize how little I am loved and respected. How little I matter. It's just chalked up to being "crazy". Well I am told of being told I am crazy because I have feeling. I am tired of feeling like I am the one who is wrong. I know I am not. I am sorry you have no idea what love is. I am sorry you have no concept of caring for someone more then yourself. I am sorry that I am only your backup. But, no matter what...

Thursday, November 17, 2011

For Pete's Sake, Take a Break from Cancer

Through an amazing organization called For Pete's Sake (FPS) our family is being given the opportunity for a respite. This grassroots local non-profit is pretty amazing. I highly suggest you visit the page to learn more. Basically this young woman Marci lost her husband to cancer when he was just 30 years old. After his death she dedicated her life to helping others going thru the same thing. It's truly inspirational. Anyway, I had called to ask a few follow up questions and ended up talking to this girl Amber. This was all before we found out Eric's cancer was back. I was so giddy and happy that Amber asked me to write about my experiences. We ended up being the feature family for the month of November. I was really touched. I started to write Amber then got sidetracked. I finally finished that letter today and wanted to share it. I am very touched by this organization, and hope that you support them in any way. They really make such a difference in the lives of others.


Amber,
When I spoken with you a few weeks ago, after chewing your ear off forever, you had asked me to write down my experiences and email them to you. I sat down to begin writing this, and then got sidetracked with the million things going on with life. But I knew I would get back to it. FPS has blessed us with the opportunity to go on a respite, and the least I could do was share my personal joy with this experience, and how touched I was by the kindness of others. I was feeling such happiness and joy as I talked to you. And I couldn't wait to share my experiences. And then my world was altered, and I was left in a state of disillusion.

On Monday November 7th we were told my husband's cancer was back. After all the surgeries, and treatment, and almost losing him to infection over the summer, he was feeling great and technically 6 months "cancer free". After telling us those horrible words, the next thing they said, was "You will still be able to go on your respite. We will schedule treatments around it." And with a few words, this respite became so much more then just a break after months and months of fighting, it became a break in his next battle we now face. And you cannot even imagine how much more this opportunity means to us then before (Not that it wasn't already AMAZING). In some ways I am still in a state of shock. I knew there was a chance this could come back, I kept watching the lab reports and the CEA levels slowly rising, but I just hoped and prayed he wouldn't have to go through this again. But here we are, ready to fight. A little battered, somewhat broken, very tired, but not yet ready to give up.

I had mentioned to you on the phone that a little while after we had started the nomination process, I actually read Marci's story. I can't really tell you why I hadn't before, but I just hadn't. I researched and read every other page of the site, but her story was the one thing I just couldn't yet read. Eventually I got a box of tissues ready, went in my classroom all alone, and read it. I am glad I was alone and had the tissues ready. I felt like I was reading my own story. I was newly married to the love of my life. I was just turning 30 years old. I was trying to move upward in my career in the field of education. I had become a cancer spouse. And Cancer has invaded and threatened all that I loved so much, and worked so hard for. My husband, my big strong 35 year old Philly cop, was fighting the toughest criminal he ever had encountered. A horrible thing that wanted to kill him, colon cancer. Colon cancer that had been traveling and growing inside his body for years, with no indication it was there. Colon cancer that was Stage 4 when they finally found it. I just recently found out that when I wasn't in the room with him a doc had told him he had about 8 months to live. Who were they to put a time stamp on life? I didn't realize my husband had an expiration date.

But he fought so hard. From Oct 2010, they day of diagnosis to this next round in the ring. But all the time, Eric has just wanted to be "normal" he is sick of being the guy with cancer. He is tired of us being the cancer family. We just want to finally have happy memories. And that is what you are giving us the chance to make. you are enabling us to take a break from cancer, and be a family. Your enabling us to have an opportunity for our sons to have memories that don't involve hospital rooms and oxygen, and sickness that chemo causes. you are helping us to live.

Thank you so much for all that you do. Thank you for making this hell just a little bit easier. Thank you for helping me, feel like a mother and wife, and not a caregiver. And thank you to Marci, for taking the worst experience of her life, and turning it into such a beautiful thing for others. Through her strength and dedication, Pete lives on.


Sincerely yours,

Jeaneane

Friday, November 11, 2011

WTF??!!

That's basically the only words I have right now. Since the proper family members have been informed, I now felt it was ok to tell everyone else that Eric's cancer is back. Last month was the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. He celebrated this milestone by getting a tattoo (if you know Eric you would understand why). He explains the symbolism of the tat as, "The worst day of my life, and the people who saved me."

Well now, a month later, and 7 months cancer free, they found tumor growth in his liver. Again I say, WTF?! This guy can't catch a break. He finally felt like his life was beginning to become normal again, and he gets rocked with this. But I am so proud of how well he is handling it, and how he continues to fight on. But I still think he and I are both warranted a little "WTF".

So the fight continues. It feels like deja vu in a way. The beginning of the school year, new school, new job, new friends in our lives. And then cancer comes and invades our world.

There are only a few requests I have right now, and they are sincere. 1.) Please continue to pray for Eric's health and strength. (And if you wouldn't mind a few extra prayers for the rest of his family that would be great too).

2.) We need our friends and family, and we need our lives to have the least amount of drama as possible. That means, I need to make amends. I am asking for forgiveness from some, and it would make Eric and mine, and our children's lives much easier if we can forgive and move on. Anger is a poison that does NOTHING to help fight.

3.) I need help. I can't do this alone again. Pride aside, I will take people up on offers to help. If your off on a Monday, and can take Eric to NY for an appointment, I need you. If you have kids that Logan could play with and wouldn't mind another kid hanging out, I need you. There are so many other things I could put, but the bottom line is that I need my family and friends to fight help Eric in his fight. Last year, mostly by choice, I did it all by myself. I nearly cracked. i wouldn't let anyone help me, it was a huge mistake. This year I will not do it. If you can help, let me know.



Eric is continuing to go to work. He even went in to teach the recruits with his fanny pack on. In that fanny pack was the chemo pumping into his port to keep him alive. Sure he felt like shit. Hell the day before he was told his cancer was back. But he went because he wanted to. Because he wants to still be Eric.

I am going to try to continue to work as much as possible. I want to save the time in case I really need it. Eric will be having upcoming surgery soon (or so it seems) to remove the tumor growth. I would need to take off for that, so any appointments, I am trying to see if people wouldn't mind taking him up to NYC. (I will provide the car/gas/tolls I just need peoples time). These appointments are Mondays. Eric says he can take himself if I can't go, but I would rather someone go with him, in case he has a negative reaction from the chemo.

Well I will summarize what's going on medically:
09/16/11- 6 months cancer free
10/4/11- 1 year anniversary of Stage IV diagnosis
10/31/11- 7 month CT Scan
11/7/11- Results of Scan
11/7/11- Hear the dreaded words, "We found cancer." CEA LEVEL: 7.1
11/7/11- Treatment begins at 6:30pm. Eric is given a different type of chemo, 5FU.


A little about 5FU: It's the oldest chemo there is for fighting colon cancer. Not that its any less effective. It runs for a period of 48 hours, hence the fanny pack. It's used to treats lots of other cancers too. It's a good drug, and has many less side effects then the drug combo Eric was on before. Eric was previously taking "the big guns". They dont want to use that combo again unless they need to. That was a 3 chemo cocktail of FUDR, oxaliplatin, and irinotican. A nasty strong combo. But the doc's feel they can give his the 5FU and shrink the tumor growth. If more tumors were to be found in different areas, then the big guns would come out.

Starting Chemo Again....
Rocking his killer fanny pack...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Thank you...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I guess it comes with the territory sometimes. I wrote this email to a mentor I had when I was a teenager. This man singlehandedly made me fall in love with music. While I could sing before, he turned me into a vocalist. I have so many amazing memories of this man, Mr. Tim Harrell.

Today I decided to write him an email. We haven't truly spoken, or had a close friendship in nearly 10 years. I think I briefly saw him about 7 years ago, right before I met Eric when I tried to attend services again at Trinity Solebury. I just couldn't make it work, the church was too far away. When I sang with Tim I felt so amazing...I like to remember those times.

Anyway, just like my letter to Tim, I want to reach out to so many of the people that have influenced my life these last...hmmm...30 years. In one way or another, you have all touched my heart and made me a better person.

THANK YOU!

Below I will share some parts of the email I sent to Tim and his response...It's nothing grand, but his response back really touched me.


Hello Tim:
Well some downtime in work, and a little soul searching led me to the Trinity page, and of course, you. I hope this email finds you in good health and spirits. I often see on ******** ******** facebook page tidbits about the goings on at Trinity. I imagine you are incredibly busy this lenten season.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well thinking, reminiscing, fondly remembering the blissful times when life was easy, and all it look was a beautiful Anthem to put a smile on my face.

As I am sure you have heard from ******, as she asked me if it was ok, life has thrown me yet another curveball. Sadly this experience really had me questioning my faith and understanding of God's graces. While I was able to quickly realize that it is God's will, it has still left me broken. I find myself once again a sheep lost from its flock. I am so disgusted (at times), yet know that it is my strong belief in our Lord that is helping me to get through this most difficult time.

I guess I am rambling on about nothing really. I haven't talked to you in ages, and for that I am sad. Basically I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for playing such an important role for 6 years of my life. I think of you often, especially now that I no longer sing. Please know that you made such an incredible impact in my life. During my darkest hours I now think of the happiest times in my life. Many of those memories have you playing a big part.

Fondly,
Jeaneane


Hi Jeaneane,

What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Isn't is ironic that you and
Jenn have connected through facebook. Yes, she shared with me what is
going on in your life and I'm so sad to hear how things are going.

Yes, things are busy during the Lenten season as you well know. Your
words are so kind about me and they brought tears as well. Yes, we all
look for those blissful times and as we look back on our lives we
realize how many things were easier in the past but don't forget that
when we were living those times, it didn't seem easy. I do think the
older we get the more challenges we meet.

We all struggle at times with our faith but I
want to challenge you or at least disagree with one thing you've said
and I hope you will take it with the love that it is given. I don't
believe it is God's will for people to suffer. If I believed otherwise,
I couldn't do any of this. I truly believe God suffers right along with
us during the down times just as God rejoices with us during the good
times. That expression "that it is God's will" brings back all those
loooooonnnnnngggggg (long) prayers at AJIC
rehearsals. (Now that should bring a laugh or at least a chuckle)

I wish you were closer not only to be singing here again but I think you
would find the adult study we've been doing since the fall a real eye
opener and a source of some comfort and understanding about God and our
faith. It has been amazing to watch the DVD and then hear the
reflections by parishioners who come from different backgrounds in their
faith journey. It isn't pious but quite progressive in it's content.

I got your email just moments after you wrote and dialed the number at
the end of it but they weren't able to locate you and were going to page
you. I told them it wasn't that important and I would try another time.
I just didn't want to put it off.

I will share this with Emory and we will both put you in our prayers.
Come see us sometime. You are ALWAYS WELCOME here.

Love,
Tim



Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Numbers...

I know I haven't updated in a while, there is just so much to write about, I need some tie to really think it out. But until then I would like to leave you with a post I put on Eric's facebook on March 16th, 4 days before Eric participated in his First 5k sponsored by Colon Cancer Coalition .

life can sometimes be about numbers. 5 months ago you were diagnosed with cancer and had part of your colon removed. the stage was 4. 4 months ago today you had the first round of your tumors removed from your liver. in 4 days you will run your first 5k. 5 weeks after that the rest of your cancerous tumors will be removed from your liver. you are beating the shit our of cancer, and I am so proud of you! I love you!


Eric Finished the 5k...he might not have come first, but he didn't come last, and he finished.He continues to beat the odds, those numbers in life.


Eric Finishing up the race with his friend Mike



Eric Anxiously awaiting the start of the 5k....notice Colon Cancer Warriors and Survivors wore special colored race bibs


Our Team: Dial's Dooker Troopers


I thought of a new song today. Eric had chemo yesterday and feels like complete shit. And a lot of our friends who are battling cancer has felt pretty shitty too lately. These lyrics came to mind....


But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there


Don't worry....things will get better, and thre is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Some good and some meh

Good: 21st will be eric's last chemo for 7 weeks. Kemeny wants to stop 3 weeks before surgery, and he won't have chemo for 4 weeks after.

Good: she also said he won't have much chemo after surgery. It would just be a precaution. Maybe 2 rounds in may-june.

Good: she was smiling and happy with how well Eric is doing. If you know Kemmeny, you know this is a big deal.


Meh: eric's bloodwork wasn't ideal today, so he isn't getting chemo. He has to get bloodwork done next monday in Philly to make sure he's good for the 21st. She's not too concerned because she thinks bloodlevels are whacked beccause of PVE last monday.

MEh: the 21st in now going to be a NY day, and its during PSSA's. That is going to go over real well at worlk. About as well as a fart in church.

Meh: I have never seen Eric so tired before in my life. It really sucks.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Now I'm feeling so Fly, Like a G6

Woohoo! Spoke with Dr. D'Angelica's staff yesterday. Liver resection rescheduled for April 19th!

Chemo to continue and Eric is working hard to prepare for surgery.

He is also preparing for the "Get Your Rear in Gear" Colon Cancer 5k on March 21st.

Eric was featured on the Gear your Rear in Gear website....you can see his story here

If you would like to help Eric and our Team you can do so 2 different ways, you can either sign up to run with our team, Dial's Dooker Troopers, or donate to our fundraising goal of $1000. We are not even halfway there!

You can donate on the Team Dial Fundraiser PAge. Every little bit helps...from $5 to $500. Please help us reach our goal! Thank you those who have already donated!

You can also participate in our team. You can do so by registering with active.com and signing up for the event. The direct link is here . Make sure you sign up as "Team Member" and look for "Dial's Dooker Troopers" as the team.


Thanks again for everyones support!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Doctor's Wife

There is an awesome series in the New York Times following the journey of Dr. Bach, a physician at Memorial, whose wife was diagnosed with cancer. I found the blog from a post made on the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Facebook Page.

Much like myself, Dr Bach is blogging about his journey. His series, The Doctor's Wife is very real. In the first 2 submissions I have found myself nodding, tearing up, laughing (the form comment) and just FEELING everything Dr. Bach is going through.

Ok so I am not a Doctor, so maybe I do not know the clinical end, but I am a highly educated young woman who is so deeply in love with her husband that she will do anything to keep in him alive. I have taken on the role of caretaker, and have completely educated myself with regards to colon cancer, especially with regards to Eric's current diagnosis.

I highly suggest everyone take the time to read this frank account of Dr. Bach's journey.


If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour, if we could find a way
To get inside each other's mind
If you could see you through my eyes
Instead your own ego I believe you'd be
I believe you'd be surprised to see
That you've been blind

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes




Monday, February 28, 2011

Can I offer you some liver?

Arrived at Memorial at 11:45am.

Eric finally went into procedure a little over an hour ago. They said the procedure would be approx 2 hours.
Thank you for all your continued pryers and support.

Also, a special thank you to all who came to the Beef & Beer this past Saturday that was organized by Eric Mother Kathy DIal, and her friends and Family. We are very sorry we could not make it because of the testing up here in NY. We are very grateful for all the hard work that went into throwing this event, and for all those who support Eric. May God bless you in more ways then you would ever need.

I will update everyone after he gets out.

~Jeaneane

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A personal glimpse into the life of a cancer patient.

Ok so may it is not quite a glimpse, but today I feel the closest I probably ever will to feeling 1/3 of what Eric feels like on a daily basis. I have been stricken with the dreaded stomach virus that is making its rounds with all my friends and family. Logan had it for a day, only puked 4 times and felt better by 4pm the same day. Just to be on the safe side I had quarantined him at my parents house so Eric wouldn't get sick. That was a few weeks ago. But alas, it seems that I finally got hit with this monster. I looked like this poor little girl all day today. Not nearly as cute, and basically laying on the bathroom room floor. I feel even worse now, but moved to the couch and just run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. This sucks. And I only see it getting worse as the day progresses.

Now I know how Eric feels. He probably feels even worse then this. For almost 2 weeks he feels like shit. Feels nausea and stomach pains that leave him miserable and so worn out. When asked how his day is, he usually responds "tastes like shit". Now I know what that means.

Previously, the best way I could have described the chemo effects is a long lasting hangover. You know the ones were all you want to do is stick your finger down your throat to make it go away?? Yea those kind. But now after less then 24 hours of being tormented with the stomach bug, I can empathize at a totally new level. Now I understand why he doesn't want to go out and just wants to go to sleep. I feel it too right now, and I knew mine will pass in a few days, where Eric has until June to fell like shit, with every treatment feeling worse.

Needless to say I am staying away from Eric. I am staying away from everyone. If what my friends have told me is true, this horrible thing lasts several days to clear from your system. UGH!!!!!! I CANT BE SICK!! I need to take care of my family. GRRRRRR!!!!

Eric's mother Kathy, and her friends and family, are holding a benefit this weekend for Eric. The Beef & Beer for Officer Eric Dial~Our Cancer Warrior is being held this Saturday at Turner's in Roxborough from 7-11. There will be excellent food, baskets, and dancing with music being provided by PJ the DJ. It is really kind of them to do this for Eric. A lot of hard work was put into the event, and we thank everyone who attends.

Eric will be heading up to NY this weekend to prepare for Monday's Portal Vein Embolization. To prepare for this he has gone into an isolation. No going out, no crowds, pretty much staying in the house. It's a tough thing to do when you are used to being active, but the doctor ordered it. According to the oncologist, "If you want to continue to be my patient, then you will follow my rules." I guess it hasn't been so hard this week because he is so sick from chemo, but now, as he prepares for this major procedure Monday, and his upcoming liver resection, he needs to follow her rules.

Monday's procedure is an interesting one. The are basically going to shutdown the right side of the liver by cutting blood flow in the artery. If you guys remember from previous posts, the right side of his liver still has all the tumors. With the first part of his liver resection in November, Dr. D'Angelica was able to remove all the cancer from the left side. Anyway, when the cut off blood flow this will cause the right side to start to shrink, essentially "killing off" some of the tumors in the process. While this is happening, the left side of the liver will be forced to regenerate (grow back) at a faster rate. This will give Eric the largest liver section possible when liver resection surgery occurs. Hopefully the resection will be in 6-8 weeks, maybe around Easter time. When we met with Dr. Lee on Monday for chemo he was ecstatic over the latest CT results. He has been so supportive of us, and carries out Dr. Kemeny's medical plan perfectly. It's also nice because we get a little more one on one attention from Dr. Lee because he has the time Dr. Kemeny does not have.

So all in all, we are still fighting the good fight. We keep our faith and sense of humor. Eric keeps pushing the bar because he knows he will beat this. Only a few more months and all of this will just be another obstacle that we overcame. Here's to laughter, love, faith, and courage!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A young Cancer WArrior...

Received an email from my Great Aunt Bernadine about a distant cousin who is battling Cancer. He is only 5. Please keep him in your prayers. His name is Brendan, and I think he is a superhero.


You can read his story here: Brendan Fick's Page

Saturday, February 12, 2011

How do you Spell relief: S-H-R-I-N-K-A-G-E!

Well we received some fabulous news on Monday at Sloan, Eric's chemo treatments are working!!! The smaller tumors seem to have all but disappeared, and the larger ones have shrunk to almost 1/2 of the original size. Praise be to God!

Dr. Kemeny was very pleased with these results, and decided to consult with Dr. D'Angelica the liver surgeon. As of Monday he wanted Eric to continue with treatments, but Eric received a call Thursday that D'Angelica wants to start testing and prepping him for the next surgery. This is HUGE!!!!

We met with Dr. Karen Brown to discuss the next procedure Eric will receive to prep for part 2 of his liver resection. In the next few weeks Eric will be getting a Portal Vein Embolization. Basically the will be cutting off blood flow to the entire right lobe of the liver. This is where the remaining tumors are located. This will force the left healthy lobe, to regenerate at a faster rate to prepare for surgery. After this is done, we could be looking at liver resection in about 6-8 weeks....around Easter. God truly is blessing us with this news.

Eric is tolerating treatments well, but with every new treatment his symptoms get worse. His minor setback 2 weeks ago, has resulted in Eric having to have limited contact with people. He has to be super vigilant, as his immune system is SHOT! Especially if he might be having surgery in the near future.

Keep those prayers coming! Thank you all so very much!
~J


Saturday, February 5, 2011

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down


An old high school friend sent me a message. I had been seeing some of her statuses on facebook and it seemed she had been pretty down lately and had a lot of bullshit thrown her way. I was really surprised when she sent me a message. It had a lot of weight to it, and between the lines I could almost feel the pain she must be going through.
No matter the cause of someones pain or frustration or hurt, bottom line is that it still sucks. If you are hurting you are hurting, and the density of what is causing that hurt really doesn't matter. I hope she is not mad, but I decided to post her message and my response. I am editing it a bit, both for her privacy, and reasons she will understand, but the message is still the same.

What I want everyone to get out of this is that hurting blows! And hopefully people will realize that plenty of people are in pain, its yet another reason to be nice to people, and smile. Because sometimes that smile can really make someone's day.


^^That's me in High School. Senior Portrait....seems like a million years ago! ^^
Figured I would put a high school pic up since Shirley Temple is a high school friend.

The message from Shirley Temple
So i didnt want to post this on your wall in case you didnt want to do it or if it was too personal but I would love to hear about how you are able to not focus on the bad or the people who for whatever reason or another are not the people you thought they were and how you are able to not dwell on it.

You wouldnt be human if it didnt get to you once in a blue moon but it sounds like you do such an amazing job not only not letting those people get to you but how you also protect eric from it and your kids.

I know you have always been a spritual person...does your faith play a role? For some reason lately I have been thinking about god and faith and feeling almost jealous of people who have a strong faith.

Ok now I am just rambling and I really dont mean to unload on you...

ok now I sorta forget the reason for this message...lol


TTYL


My response:
Wow hun. I am guessing from this message you are really going through a rough patch!

This experience has been a crazy one. It has taught me how to love more, not take stuff for granted, fight harder (if you can imagine that lol), and realize what truly matters.

I wish I could say I do not dwell on things, but I do. A lot of times it eats me up inside. Especially when it comes to people who are hurting us.

Bottom line is that I was abandoned by my friends, and some people trying to ruin us. Individuals are crazy upset, convinced I am an evil bitch, and are already picking out Eric's grave. Throughout this I have encountered some of the most negative people I know, who are loving (how fucked up does that sound?) the attention.

To protect them I take the brunt of everything. I keep the horrible things from Eric and the kids and I sacrifice my own wellbeing to do so. Sadly there are many nights I stiffle my crying in a hot shower, or bawl my eyes out in my car when no one is around. But I keep telling myself that I must be the one to handle it, because everyone else is too vulnerable.

It is really really hard. And one of the worst parts is the complete devastation that occurs when you realize people who you cared about are not who you thought they were. It is absolutely horrible. Maybe some of the worst pain and loneliness I have ever felt. But I try not to show it. I try to stay strong for Eric and the kids.

My way of venting is via my blog. Sometimes I rant and ramble and it makes no sense, but other times I am able to put into words just how I feel. It is soothing. I am not really that strong, I just am so in love and scared to death of losing my husband. I will fight with all that I have not to. I have always been a good fighter. And I have realized that the best in my comes out when things are at their worst and people need me.

Faith is helping me through this as well. Putting my faith in something higher and realizing that there is a purpose for all this. Whether it be to humble us, or make our faith stronger, it is there. I keep telling myself a few simple things:
1.) Whether I am able to have 2 years or 60 years married to my soulmate, I am grateful for it. No one will ever fill my heart or make me whole like he does
2.) Maybe I needed to grow up. Maybe this was God's way of saying I had steered off my path a little and I needed to be grounded
3.) If anything,Eric's cancer has made us aware that his son needs to be tested and monitored. Eric's cancer probably started when he was about 25. Mark is 15. He had his first colonoscopy. He will be spared and not have to go through this.

I guess I am rambling on a little too. I hope I answered your questions, but I fear I may have confused you more. By the way, never think that your problems aren't bad, or any less stressful then people dealing with "serious" issues. If a problem affects your life and makes you sad, then it is just as bad as anything I, or people like me, are dealing with. It doesn't matter the cause, if you are hurting you are hurting.

i leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”- Eleanor Roosevelt



For those out there struggling, this is for you.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

"We're half way there... Livin' on a prayer"

Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer


Last week we hit a small bump in the road.We had asked for prayers to get us through it, and your prayers worked. Thank you so much! Still not 100%, so if you could keep those prayers coming that would be fantastic.

We could definitely feel the power of healing come from your prayers. Eric is recovering, and anxiously awaiting his CT scan next monday. The scan will determine how well he is responding to chemo, and if the tumors are shrinking. If the tumors are shrinking, then surgical consult will probably be made. They can then begin to plan his 2nd liver surgery.

We were excited to learn about something called "partial remission". It is when the tumors have shrunk 1/2 in size, and the docs can sometimes deem a cancer patient in "partial remission". Wouldn't that be a nice thing to hear next week?

Keep those prayers coming if you are the praying kind, and thank you to those whom prayer is new to. We appreciate you taking the time to pray for Eric's full recovery..

We are praying to Catherine McAuley for intersession in Eric's recovery. Catherine is the Foundress of The Sisters of Mercy, who is up for Canonization (and an Irish Lass) . We are praying to her in hopes that Eric's full recovery and cure from Cancer can be the miracle that will raise Catherine to Sainthood.

We ask that you say this prayer for Eric with us:
O beloved Catherine, through the power of my most compassionate Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I humbly beseech you to look with love and pity on Eric who is ill at this time. Stir up in me the same passion that impelled you to respond to the needs of your time. Bless me with the sure knowledge of your presence and with a complete trust in your providence. Use once again your spirit of compassion and your ardent desire to alleviate suffering and to restore her/him to full health if it is God's holy will. I ask this in the Name of Jesus who lives and reigns with the Father in unity of the Holy Spirit. Amen


Thank you all! I leave you with the song that played when Eric and I were announced ad Mr. & Mrs. at our wedding reception, at the time it had a much different meaning then it does today, but it still has a special place in our hearts! Also I request a special prayer for another one of Philly's finest, who just found out they have cancer at the age of 34. Prayer to you and your family JG, just like Eric you WILL beat this!
~Jeaneane

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

You're not alone. Together we stand I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through


I times I feel like I need to purge. Right now is a purge time. I guess I should explain this a little further. This has been nagging me now for quite some time...it needs to come out. This post is not really going to be about Eric, it's going to be about me. Many of you might find my musings today to be selfish, but it is hard to be the one who sits in the shadows and bites tongues. I will now longer do it. I turn 30 in less then 2 months....time to purge.

When this nightmare first hit us, the reaction from friends and family was mixed. Family, for the most part, rallied around us and supported the decisions we made. Some friends really went out of their way to help comfort and support us. Hell even people who were mere acquaintances rallied around us and showed support. And there were...The Others.

The Others are the people who I thought were friends. The Others are the ones who claimed they, "Didn't know what to say" or "Didn't know how to react". The Others are the ones who abandoned us. Eric didn't feel it as much as I did, but there were certain individuals who I no longer have respect for, who couldn't even take the time to shoot him a text or call on the phone. However, The Others were mainly my friends, and a few mutual friends we had together. People who I now realize, probably were never our true friends at all. Why do I say this you may ask? Because I do not think true friends would completely abandon you without ANY explanation.

Ok, ok, I realize that my husband and I aren't the only people in the world, and that EVERYONE has their own problems, but the reason why The Others really stand out, is because of what people, who I may not have even known this time last year, have done to support us. Support doesn't mean they have neglected their families or dropped everything for us. Support is a simple "hi" via text or FB, or a phone call if they have the time. Support is the person who understands that we can't always drop everything for a beer or answer the phone or a text, but offer anyway just in case we might be able to , and accept without question, when we cannot.

The Others has disappointed to an extent that I cannot even describe. Sure every person/family has problems. We can all die at any moment, but living with death and uncertainty looming over your head really fucking sucks. And that is MY life right now. This is what MY husband, and MY kids are reminded of every day until Eric is cancer free. I have come to the conclusion that The Others, are fucking selfish individuals who can't look past their own life and see how their "friends" are doing. I guess because I was always the person who checked in and asked how people were doing, I assumed people would do it for me. Guess I was wrong. Even I, who am up to my eyes in the bullshit of life, still manage to check in with people I thought were my friends when I can, even if its just a simple "like" on facebook. At least they know I am thinking about them, and maybe it will not make them feel as horribly lonely as I do right now.

Yea that's right, I finally admit it I feel horrible, defeated, betrayed, disappointed, tired, and LONELY. I also feel a whole bunch of emotions only cancer warriors and their families may understand, as well as anyone who has fought death themselves, or in their families. I am disgusted with people I had considered friends. And if you are shocked when you are reading this, you shouldn't be. When was the last time you texted/called/messaged even sent me a freaking chain email?? I'm going to guess not anytime recently. And some of you were individuals I would have done anything for. Ones I shared laughter and tears with, ones I confided in and trusted. The sad part was, if something was wrong with you I STILL would try to check in and make sure your ok.

So now that explains the purging. I going to spend this next month and a half dedicated to my family, and for those who actually give a shit about me. And I am going to celebrate turning 30 with people who matter. Because I want someone like Avril to be by my side...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

About living and dying...

When you or your family is engulfed in cancer it feels like a lonely uphill climb. The dictionary defines engulf the following way:
engulf, ingulf [ɪnˈgʌlf]
vb (tr)
1. to immerse, plunge, bury, or swallow up
2. (often passive) to overwhelm


Boy does it feel like that sometimes. Cancer doesn't just attack your body, it can attack your whole being. While the body part is obvious, the mental part is not quite as apparent. This applies to both the individual with cancer, as well as the caretaker and family. Someone can look great and seem like they are altogether, but inside they are just a mess. While I am not the person fighting a deadly disease raging inside of my body, I am also fighting to beat this by providing physical, emotional, and spiritual support. I am the one who takes over on those not so great days, and I am happy to do it. No thanks needed, I take those marriage vows to heart. Furthermore, when you love someone, you will do anything to help them.

One of the many things cancer does is really make you look deeply at life and death. You learn to truly not sweat the small stuff, live for the moment, love with all that you have, accept the help and support of others, just how important faith is, how to be humble, how to be grateful, how to enjoy even the smallest things, how to fight for what you love, and who truly cares about you. With regard to death you realize how precious, unfair, short, long, fulfilling, disappointing, and wonderful life can be. You also accept the fact the we are all immortal, and at some point we will all die. You learn not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you will be called home.

Over the holidays people in my life were touched by death. Neither was fair. Both individuals taken by horrible disease, although different in origin. One I had the pleasure of personally knowing, the other I never met, but am honored to call his sister a friend. She has touched my life, and wouldn't be the person she is today without some of the impact and wisdom he let her with.

A few days after Christmas I had the pleasure of attending a memorial service for a manly to truly touched the lives of others. Karl was the father of 2 great children, a high school classmate of mine, and one of my brother's best friends. Oh and Karl was my favorite travel agent. He booked Eric's first trip to Disney World, and was so excited to do so. Karl was as much of a nut about Disney as I am. There is no other place in the world that he would rather talk about. Just the mention of Disney would put smile on his face. When Eric was first diagnosed with cancer, he thought of Karl, and how hard he was fighting to survive. Karl had been diagnosed less then a year ago with bile duct cancer that had eventually spread. Even while fighting the hell out of cancer and going through treatments, Karl continued to train for triathlons. My brother and his friends trained for the Philadelphia Marathon and ran in honor of Karl, who fancied himself, "The World's Fastest Human".

I am sure many would wonder why I said pleasure in the same sentence as memorial service. But it truly was. Karl, wanting to help others even after death, donated his body to science. As a result there was no body to cry over or bury. His family will not get his cremated remains for another 2 years, after medical students use his body to train. Because of Karl's wishes, and because the family is just so damn cool, the held an informal memorial service to remember him. I was so touched by the stories of so many people that were touched by Karl in some way. From his job as a travel agent, his triathlon training, his Rotarian duties, growing up with him, and for just crossing paths. The man made such an impact on so many people. The stories were both funny and lighthearted and well as touching and inspiring. Maybe Karl wasn't the world's fastest human, but he definitely was a freaking awesome man. Every time I pass The Seven Seas Lagoon, I will smile, because I know Karl is there enjoying the sunshine and the smiles and laughter of those go to Disney.

This holiday I also helped my friend deal with the tragic and unexpected loss of her brother. His untimely death leaves a lot of questions unanswered and broken hearts. He battled he disease that sadly overcame him. Unfortunately, there was no more fight left in him. I never knew her brother, but in this last week I feel as though and got to know him, I just wish I had known him life as well. But my role is to support my friend and her family in any way I can. To be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She has done so much for us, it is the least I can do. I feel her pain because she is suffering. Just mere weeks ago she was helping me fight for Eric, never knowing she would face death in her life.

Albert Einstein once said, "Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life." And each of these men have left behind children that will conquer the world. While it doesn't make it any better right now, know that you will leave a mark in peoples lives just like your fathers' did.

I met with my friend tonight who lost her brother. A few laughs, and few beers, but more then anything just being friends. When I left her a song came on the radio. A song that really put into words what my mind was thinking or life and death. Life really not about the destination, it's about the journey along the way. Life is not always easy, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We can't let obstacles keep us from living our lives, no matter how tragic they are, and how much they just plain suck. You gotta just keep pushing along...

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on


I never thought Miley Cyrus would inspire me, but here she is...