Keeping up with the Komplications

Eric started xeloda again 4 weeks ago. Last monday was the beginning of the 2nd round in this cycle. So far he seems to be doing ok with it. Today is his last day of chemp before his weeklong break. We had our 2nd appointment with the derm on monday, as his skin is still breaking down something awful. They are going to try another form of ointment which eric used awhile ago. They are also going to keep him on a constant low dose of antibiotic (doxycycline)to try to ward off infections, but we need to be leery of him getting c-diff again. His cultures have come up positive for Staph, and acinetobacter. So it is obvious the need for antibiotics is there, or he is going to end up in the hospital again. Then I get a phone call from derm on tuesday saying Eric tested positive for a different staph strain, but so far not showing as MRSA. But this staph is resistant to the doxycycline. So after a few days on that he had to stop, and use hibiclensse bath and an ointment until we meet with infectious disease in 2 weeks. Grrrrrr!!!

Dr. Locatoure, the derm, wanted to treat Eric with an additional chemo called Methotrexate solely for the purpose of trying to control the skin breakdown. Methotrexate is used for some forms of breast cancer and leukemia, but it can be used off label for chemical abortions and autoimmune disorder, like Eric's eczema. It can have adverse effects on the liver, which Eric only has 1/3 of. As a result, for right now, Oz (Dr. Kemeny), nixed it. In a way it sucks, because Methotrexate is really a great way to treat the skin breakdown but she does not want to interfere with the effectiveness of his chemo for the colon cancer mets. Its frustrating, but I am sure there is some wisdom to it.

Other than that we continue to take things one day at a time. There are bad days, and then some not so bad days. The good days are few and far between anymore. But every once in a while there are some good days thrown in there. The neuropathy is getting intense at times, as he is showing symptoms from chemos past. The worst thing is the trunk neuropathy, where several times, well honestly almost constantly, he feels like he is being stung by thousands of bees on his entire trunk region. We are hoping that as the skin recovers, this will go away as well. It is not a common side effect to any of the chemos that he is on, so they believe it is either a side effect of his his most recent surgeries (some sort of nerve damage), or the result of the trauma to his skin. We are obviously hoping this is temporary and not permanent, as it causes Eric a great deal of pain.

So far we have no other appointments until September. The first week in September Eric will have a PET scan and a CT scan. The following week he will review the results with the docs. By that point he will have had 2.5 rounds of xeloda in his system post surgery. We pray that there will be no signs of disease. Until then, as long as there are no changes, I probably won't have anything to update.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need...

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Chemo resumes today. Xeloda at a lower dosage then before to see if Eric gets toxicity again. He doesn't want to be on IV chemo, so we are hoping a lower dosage works. CEA level has increased from 9.8 a month ago to 10.2, despite the tumors in the lungs being removed. So clearly there is still cancer in his body. Pretty bummed.

We got into a fight the other day. He was yelling and screaming that he doesn't care anymore. So I gave it right back to him. I told him to give up then, stop fighting, stop letting so many people waste their time and energy supporting a person who doesn't care anymore. I got so mad and told him in frustration to stop all the treatments then, stop going to NY, stop taking up space and time someone who wants to live would be happy to get. I asked him why would he continue to have surgery after surgery and chemo and all the other nonsense if he didn't care anymore? his response-Because he felt like it. Then I called him out on it.  I told him that when you really don't care you stop saying anything at all. I forced him to hear me say that I know that he does care, and that he is scared to die. I told him anything you love is worth fighting for, and no matter how mad I made him (and boy did I make him mad), I was still going to fight for him, even if he wasn't going to fight for himself. I know he cares. But I know he is frustrated. The confirmation today of resuming chemo was just another blow. 

I'll keep pushing him. I swear to this. No matter how much he may hate me, I will push him. I WILL NOT let him give up. He has too much to fight for. He is tired and broken. But no matter what Eric, I promise,  I will try to fix you...