She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
An old high school friend sent me a message. I had been seeing some of her statuses on facebook and it seemed she had been pretty down lately and had a lot of bullshit thrown her way. I was really surprised when she sent me a message. It had a lot of weight to it, and between the lines I could almost feel the pain she must be going through.
No matter the cause of someones pain or frustration or hurt, bottom line is that it still sucks. If you are hurting you are hurting, and the density of what is causing that hurt really doesn't matter. I hope she is not mad, but I decided to post her message and my response. I am editing it a bit, both for her privacy, and reasons she will understand, but the message is still the same.
What I want everyone to get out of this is that hurting blows! And hopefully people will realize that plenty of people are in pain, its yet another reason to be nice to people, and smile. Because sometimes that smile can really make someone's day.
^^That's me in High School. Senior Portrait....seems like a million years ago! ^^
Figured I would put a high school pic up since Shirley Temple is a high school friend.
The message from Shirley Temple
So i didnt want to post this on your wall in case you didnt want to do it or if it was too personal but I would love to hear about how you are able to not focus on the bad or the people who for whatever reason or another are not the people you thought they were and how you are able to not dwell on it.
You wouldnt be human if it didnt get to you once in a blue moon but it sounds like you do such an amazing job not only not letting those people get to you but how you also protect eric from it and your kids.
I know you have always been a spritual person...does your faith play a role? For some reason lately I have been thinking about god and faith and feeling almost jealous of people who have a strong faith.
Ok now I am just rambling and I really dont mean to unload on you...
ok now I sorta forget the reason for this message...lol
TTYL
My response:
Wow hun. I am guessing from this message you are really going through a rough patch!
This experience has been a crazy one. It has taught me how to love more, not take stuff for granted, fight harder (if you can imagine that lol), and realize what truly matters.
I wish I could say I do not dwell on things, but I do. A lot of times it eats me up inside. Especially when it comes to people who are hurting us.
Bottom line is that I was abandoned by my friends, and some people trying to ruin us. Individuals are crazy upset, convinced I am an evil bitch, and are already picking out Eric's grave. Throughout this I have encountered some of the most negative people I know, who are loving (how fucked up does that sound?) the attention.
To protect them I take the brunt of everything. I keep the horrible things from Eric and the kids and I sacrifice my own wellbeing to do so. Sadly there are many nights I stiffle my crying in a hot shower, or bawl my eyes out in my car when no one is around. But I keep telling myself that I must be the one to handle it, because everyone else is too vulnerable.
It is really really hard. And one of the worst parts is the complete devastation that occurs when you realize people who you cared about are not who you thought they were. It is absolutely horrible. Maybe some of the worst pain and loneliness I have ever felt. But I try not to show it. I try to stay strong for Eric and the kids.
My way of venting is via my blog. Sometimes I rant and ramble and it makes no sense, but other times I am able to put into words just how I feel. It is soothing. I am not really that strong, I just am so in love and scared to death of losing my husband. I will fight with all that I have not to. I have always been a good fighter. And I have realized that the best in my comes out when things are at their worst and people need me.
Faith is helping me through this as well. Putting my faith in something higher and realizing that there is a purpose for all this. Whether it be to humble us, or make our faith stronger, it is there. I keep telling myself a few simple things:
1.) Whether I am able to have 2 years or 60 years married to my soulmate, I am grateful for it. No one will ever fill my heart or make me whole like he does
2.) Maybe I needed to grow up. Maybe this was God's way of saying I had steered off my path a little and I needed to be grounded
3.) If anything,Eric's cancer has made us aware that his son needs to be tested and monitored. Eric's cancer probably started when he was about 25. Mark is 15. He had his first colonoscopy. He will be spared and not have to go through this.
I guess I am rambling on a little too. I hope I answered your questions, but I fear I may have confused you more. By the way, never think that your problems aren't bad, or any less stressful then people dealing with "serious" issues. If a problem affects your life and makes you sad, then it is just as bad as anything I, or people like me, are dealing with. It doesn't matter the cause, if you are hurting you are hurting.
i leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”- Eleanor Roosevelt
For those out there struggling, this is for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment